In tears: Whole life decision i need HELP making - pls?

[ARoomSomewhere]

Nearly 2 yrs ago i moved area with my two kids. (H stayed family hse)

We had been referred to SS re our request for have Ds assessed for ASD. Local health refused to even assess, we saw an NHS Consultant privately in London who confirmed, but local health wouldn't accept and passed us over to SS for 'refusing to accept their original opinion'. I was scared, the kids were unhappy, we decided to try new area.
New area School ref Ds for NHS assess. We just got the ASD DX!!!
(2nd child also referred now)

So, in theory now have the option to go back home.
The kids current school is closing so a change is necess. anyway.

Whilst away, even though it was absolutely a joint decision, H's behaviour towards me (bad for a very long time) and commitment to the kids (poor) has deteriorated further, Its made me realise how awful it was living with such an angry bully for so long. I dont like him and i dont trust him (he hit me recently). I need a Separation Agreement.

I have some health issues which mean im on highlevel DLA / not working/ no money but he has been unwell too so poss unable to pay mortgage / maintenance in long term anyway?
I'd hoped for Security / Stability for kids in family home once we had the DX but i dont know if thats just a mirage?
Kids want to stay in our ratty rental, They are ASD and HATE change. But local next School is in special measures (and public bus ride away) I know I need to be the adult here (they are 14 and 11) but i can see school refusals / difficulties anyway (the Psychologist said High School will be 'a bumpy ride'). If i go 'home' they can walk (might still refuse tho and if LA still 'difficult' i still end up with no support/probs?)

would you go back to area where we were treated v badly (it honestly was a bit of a witchhunt) and try to stay in house until youngest is 18?

Or would you (try to) sell up and start from scratch with nowt aged 50?
In rental with local poor School? I want to get back out to work even if p/t. LIve somewhere less remote. But give them security and a half decent school. I dont know what to prioritise when they NEED all of it??

hope this makes sense, sorry its so long.

anyone out there that can help me think straight i'd be very grateful

Why is the special measures school in special measures? If it’s pastoral support/ sen provision I’d definitely move, though not necessarily back to the first area. Is there another option? Somewhere with easy access to potential work, a nearby school that can meet needs and affordable housing? Either way your dc have to change schools, and school refusal may be an issue wherever you are

H's behaviour towards me (bad for a very long time) and commitment to the kids (poor) has deteriorated further, Its made me realise how awful it was living with such an angry bully for so long. I dont like him and i dont trust him (he hit me recently). I need a Separation Agreement

^^ This. THIS is what you need to focus on. His behaviour will affect your DC's quite negatively. If I were facing this choice, I would not go back to him.

Grab your future by the shirt collar and go forward. It's hard, I do know this, I've been there. But nothing, absolutely nothing can beat peace of mind, and the space in which to decide your own future.

If the school is in special measures, then there will be a lot of focusing going on at the childrens education - I've seen a lot of schools turned around from this and perform fantastically. Maybe dive in there and see how it goes. You could always change things later - even though you say your kids hate change, You are the adult. You make the decisions.

Good luck

Don’t go back to what you KNOW is shit.

Re the school, it will only be as good as its SENCO, and orated reports can largely be ignored.

Diagnosis isn’t a silver bullet. Go and meet the senco and explain everything to them and see where you get to.

You can do this. Don’t go back.

I'm inclined to tell you not to move back to where you essentially escaped from. That moment of realising you don't trust him, don't like him and don't want him near you is something you should remember when you start to second-guess yourself. Yes things are shit but they'd be shitter with him in the picture.

Wrt the school - if it's in special measures then I'd be inclined to think it might not adequately support your children. How remote are you and is this the only school in the vicinity? Is moving an option? Something somewhere has to give.

Where do you see your future? Not just short term for dc. Special measures schools attract extra resources and may be a better fit for children with additional needs than more academically focussed ones. Are you able to force the property sale and move into a better rental? Is divorce now possible? Am
I correct in thinking you have moved over the border so systems differ?

staying in this rental longer than a year is a bad idea.
Its v rural so no work / dependent on expensive car etc.

I like the idea of a 'staged' change for dc and I.

Everything at once feels overwhelming.

I could send them to a huge academic school here (1800 kids, bad rep for bullying and very 'full of itself' but lots of opportunities)
Or the SM one (500 kids, poor area, less opportunities, bad rep for everything but seems more transparent with parents)

I could go back to speak to old area Ed Dept and show them the dx and 'get a feeling' but of course they could be pc and totally unhelpful when i'm back. I dont want an argument with them. I want a fresh start. But they might not see it that way?

Is there anywhere else you could move to? Somewhere near by but with better schools with better SEN support but not a million miles from where you are now. I realise that will be tough on your DC but like you said you need to be the adult and make the best choice for them.

How far away are you from the old area? Is a commute out of the window or is it a case of an extra bus every morning?

It would also be wise to look into moving if you are so remote so that you and your children can forge community links and find activities especially so as your children are nearing the age in which they'll want more independence which won't involve you having to pick them up/drop them off as you're so remote.

Bobbiepin not really. I know that sounds a bit hopeless but ive carefully researched the areas i could afford to live in / looked at LA/HA options (and whether I'd qualify) and its 'fairly remote' as a realistic option both sides of border it seems.

Most affordable is back where we came from. Followed by SM school town, Least is academic school town.

Not commutable (bad roads, 50m, petrol £££) sadly.

sorry to sound so negative. appreciate input.

should also have added sorry:
H has agreed to move out if i go back to marital home. We;d have a formal Separation Agreement (legally binding in Scotland) and he could visit kids at weekends.
but i wont qualify for housing benefit there so would need to fund the mortgage. My benefits would allow that atm (its interest only so not huge) but benefits are a shaky way to live and it will take a year or so to move into enough p/t work suitable for my health issues i think. But that is what i aim for.

I think im going to go back and speak to 'old area' and see what response is. (from them and my gut feeling).

if its not good i think i will aim for the cheaper area / sm school?

I just had a discussion with him and he still seems to think he has a right to come and go / keep stuff at mine etc.

I said that my being civil around kids / including in things was not a 'given' if he behaved badly to me (married or not!) and he just doesnt get it?

He has written a Separation Agreement (legally binding in Scotland) saying that he is happy for me to move back to marital house and he will pay maintenance or contribute to mortgage (to be fair he cant afford both and maintenance would be enough).

Yet he is resentful about not 'having his own room' there? (4 beds, we'd had sep rooms for years). I dont understand this ?

Hmm. Ive checked the commute. Its 33m ...