Is it ok for parents to financially support one (lazy) adult child and not the other (hard working one?)

[oxymomon]

My parents in law have 2 adult children: my husband and his brother.

They paid for both their sons to go to Uni and both now have masters degrees.

I did not have the privilege of a masters degree. I worked hard and made many sacrifices and supported myself during Uni by waitressing ... and after 15 years of working since getting my degree, I am doing well for myself. I am on a good salary and my husband reaps the rewards as I pay for our holidays, etc. Nevertheless, we have a hefty mortgage with monthly repayments amounting to €2,500 per month before any other expenses. I live in fear of losing my job and house. I work crazy hours and suffer from stress from trying to keep it all afloat ... it is now affecting my health.

I am 37 and am about to start IVF. I haven't told my in-laws, because I don't want the added pressure ... but they constantly drop hints for when am I having a baby.

My husband has a job ... not a great job, but also not a terrible job. A fine job I guess.

My brother-in-law is 34 and lives at home. He has not held down a steady job for years, despite all the education. He doesn't even try. Occasionally he does odd jobs for pocket money. He also claims the dole.

He gets hand outs all the time: he can drive his mum's car whenever he wants - she pays for petrol and insurance. If he's going out, his Mum will slip him €50. He goes on 3 or 4 holidays a year (way more than us) - it is unclear where the money for these holidays comes from ... but I can take an educated guess. He has no food or living expenses at all - his parents cover all that. His parents even paid for a ring for him to propose to his girlfriend last year and the wedding is in Italy next month.

It is unclear who is paying for the wedding, but he is now talking about buying a house in Lucan. All signs point to his parents are giving him a hefty deposit.

All the while, my husband has been given no financial support from his parents since Uni.

Their parents are sending the message that working is a mugs game. They are enabling my brother in law not to work and penalizing my husband for working.

My opinion is their job is done. They should be able to enjoy their retirement and their money. Nonetheless, I think it's unfair for them to pay a hefty house deposit for one son and not help the other with his huge mortgage.

Do you think it's fair to support one adult child financially and not the other?

Do you think it's fair that his parents are lying to my husband about how much they give his brother?

Where's he going to live with his new wife?

Does she have a job?

Either way YANBU to be annoyed. We have the same thing with SIL who is 48 and has never moved out of her parent's house. She works 2 days a week and pays no bills.

When she was 45 she decided she wanted a child and so used a donor.

MIL now babysits for her whilst she works.

They constantly justify her lifestyle to us "Well X had a hard time when she was a teenager" etc.

It pisses me off because SIL is also rude and unfriendly to me.

I do think the best line to take is to accept the situation and not get affected or compare.

It wont do you any good.

It may be unfair, however I don't think that things will change. Try to look at the positives, you have a job, you will hopefully have a child soon, you have a supportive husband.

It's really unfair, but there's not a great deal you can do. My cousin and her husband are in a similar situation, but they have to send money every month to help support his parents and 35 year old brother who has never worked or left home. She is thinking about having children and his parents are furious because they realise this means the monthly contribution will be reduced, yet they won't ask the younger son to get a job. I can't get my head round it at all.