End of my marriage?

[qgirl]

My back story - I'll try to be brief.
Been married for 8 years. One child (7) together. MIL moved in with us permanently end of last year. Not happy with this as marriage not particularly strong. I told my husband this several times during her house sale process.
MIL does everything for her son. His washing and ironing and even puts his pants and socks away in his drawer for him.
She helps with childcare (collects from school several times a week) and cooking, husband does little for our child. We both work full time, I do everything for our child evenings and weekends. He does some bits and pieces around the house.
Months ago MIL gave our child her old phone but didn't delete any messages. I have never felt the need to snoop until now. A few weeks ago, MIL sent me a message in error which was meant for her daughter my SIL. On the face of it he message was innocuous but in it she told SIL what time i got in (late night out - very rare for me) and that she had made out she was asleep. For some reason the message made me think she was talking behind my back, especially as I would never have disturbed her.
Face to face, she tells me I am a good DIL and that she loves me.
So I decided to look at the messages she hadn't deleted from her old phone. There was a message between her and my SIL when I had to work late; questioning whether in fact I had gone shopping (i hate shopping) and response from SIL, 'what time is that child going to get their dinner?' I WAS working and this message upset me because my husband is free to come and go as he pleases and it assumes I am the only parent capable of feeding our child.
Several messages between her and her son discussed me and my moods (I can be moody but I feel I have little support from my husband).
I have just got back from a trip abroad with my child (husband didn't want to come, he goes away next week with his mother and sister and the children), I bothered to bring husband and MIL gifts.
MIL and husband are always together in the garden. Every time I look out the window, they are sitting together, sorting out the garden together, she is by his side constantly. It bothered me so I did an awful thing and snooped in her phone while she was outside. I know I shouldn't have but there were messages between her and SIL where they talked about MIL enjoying last taste of freedom and happiness before I came back, with a crying face emoji. She said ,'the eagle has landed' and her daughter said oh No and wished her luck.
I am so upset. I have opened up my house to this woman and I feel totally disrespected. Yesterday she asked me why I was hiding away and I said about respecting me and my house but of course didn't mention any of the snooping. I told her I guessed she talked to her daughter about me and she swore on her life she didn't! She said she felt awkward around me and that she should find somewhere to stay. I said her son would never let her leave and that I would move out before she did.
Now my husband isn't talking to me because I upset his mother.
I think this is the end of the line. I have felt very lonely in this marriage, more so since she moved in.
I don't know what I should do about letting them know I know about their talking about me behind my back.
I know I shouldn't have snooped but I honestly didn't know my MIL felt like this about me.
WWYD?
Sorry this is so long - thanks if you've managed to get this far.

Gosh that is very long - sorry!

I’m sorry for you. That’s really really shitty and two faced and I would not be putting up with it at all. I think you know your husband is going to take his mother’s side no matter what you say. Personally I wouldn’t make any bones about it, I would say “I’ve seen the messages” because ok snooping is wrong but if it weren’t for the previous messages and the atmosphere they’re making you wouldn’t have looked.

Yes and she will take his side.
My family all live abroad and the loneliness I feel is awful.
If I tell them I have seen the messages, it really would be the end.

How horrid for you, I’m sorry they sound like really nasty people.
Sorry to say but I’d take my child and be gone, is it an option to move back to your family?

You poor thing, what a horrible position to be in. I think you need to say the truth, that she accidentally sent you the first text and it upset you and got you wondering if there were similar on other phone. If they start talking about privacy or snooping, be a broken record. The first message gave you cause for concern and you needed to know where you stood.
Do you really think your OH will just take Mil side and would really blame you if she moved out? If so, sounds like relationship counselling would be useful... I hope you have friends for support. You haven’t done anything wrong. You and your child deserve a happier home. They need to step up and mil probably should leave.

That’s not on! I would bring up the messages and confront both husband and MIL together with the messages and see what they say. I couldn’t live in a home where I didn’t feel respected and if you are sure that your husband would take your MILs side even after seeing the messages - that would be the end atleast from my POV.

Moving abroad to my family isn't really an option. My son is settled here and crazily I wouldn't want to take him from his father.
I do want to confront them but I don't whether the sun of snooping overrides the sin of being disrespectful to me. Also MIL is elderly (although not completely infirm) and I don't want to be the cause of any emotional upset.
He almost definitely would take her side and would never ask her to leave. His father died a few years ago and he feels he needs to look after her. She has nowhere to go and sold her house and passed on the inheritance to my husband and SIL. When I suggested she should buy a flat on our village, he said she would be lonely!
My SIL doesn't have room for her.

Seriously? You are contemplating ending your marriage because you saw some messages that upset you?

I really think you are being over sensitive about these messages, of course they must of been horrible to read but unfortunately that's what you get for snooping. I would do my best to forget what you read, it wasn't even that bad. You are clearly a good mother and you should not allow a silly comment to make you think people are questioning that. Focus instead on the fact that your MIL said that she loves you and work on that relationship, I think she sounds ok.

You clearly have issues with your husband but you need to get to the core of the problem and not shift the blame on to your MIL

OP in that case I think you need to find a way to live together -
Setting your issues with your DH aside
For a moment - could you ah e a heart to heart with your MIL and lay cards on the table so to speak ?

Re. Your issues with DH I think you need to deal with them separately though it may seem difficult. You need a strong relationship with him and once you have what a issues with MIL will seem less annoying. What’s your immigration status here?

*Raindropsonmynose
My son and i are both British - and I have dual nationality in the country where my family live.
I don't think I can have a heart to heart with my MIL. I don't think she would admit anything was wrong. And if I confronted her with the evidence, i imagine she would be upset I invaded her privacy.

I came back from holiday thinking yes I would try to make it work between my husband and I. But it seems such a struggle when his family are so involved.
We have had relationship counselling but my husband refused to accept that he was in the wrong, even when the counsellor suggested that we both had a part to play in the state of our marriage.

@qgirl hugs - what a horrid situation to be in. My only advise would be to have a good think about what would really make you happy ? Not rhe easy or less difficult
Path but which decision would make you happy? If you could rewrite your story today, who would figure in it and then go with that. We only live one life that we recall anyway as my grandma used to
Say.

@Raindropsonmynose
Thank you. I like the idea of rewriting the story to see who would figure in my life.
Thank you to all who have responded.

To the poster who said the messages aren't that bad, I think if I showed them to my husband, he would agree with you. To me it is like inviting a friend of a friend for a slap up meal, which is then criticised and slagged off behind your back.

I don't think I mind MIL not thinking I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. What I do mind is that in her words and actions towards me previously, she lead me to think I was. And for this reason alone, I feel hugely disrespected.

My husband and I are now not talking. He is not talking to me because I have upset and disrespected his mother. I am not talking to him because he has not prioritised or even considered my feelings because I am unable to show him messages which would show that I am not wrong. I know this is childish and non-acceptable behaviour from grown-ups.

I live next door to my mother in law, and she would never, never, never interfere in our marriage or do what your MIL has done. My DH and his family are incredibly close, but this would just never happen. Obviously you have a DH problem, and MIL is one part of this problem, but really DH is the problem.

If you confronted her about the messages, I'm not sure that it would really help anything. When my DH's ex wife gave her daughter her old phone, I ended up having access to everything. Every email, text etc, sent throughout the divorce. She is a technological muppet. After some humming and haing I deleted everything and removed her account from the phone. I haven't (as yet) regretted doing it. Unfortunately you cannot unsee what you have seen.

I cannot see how you can improve the situation though. So maybe you are right and its time to start thinking of a different life, without your H and his family in your part of DD's life.

Do you realistically think that you can leave with DD? Or do you think that DH and MIL would want to be the main "parents"?

When I studied at university I had this school friend who lived with her dad and four brothers in a big house. The mum had moved out and lived in a flat very nearby. Very unconventional. The house was in a state, of course, which is why she had given up. There are unconventional ways of solving this, you just have to figure out what they might be. About the "not talking", you might benefit from finding out more about "nonviolent communication", cnvc.org, it's a technique one might use.

It sounds like you are making your situation impossible. You need to have a long hard look inside yourself. Reading this it seems you dont want to continue to be married. It sounds like an awful toxic situation and not one I'd be willing to raise my child in.

The snooping is not a sin. You got wind that nasty things were being said before you snooped and gave been vindicated. Get screen shots. If you cant bide your time and snoop again. Maybe she will learn her lesson after this warning. If not then you will have proof.

Regardless if you cant trust your dh to support you then you are storing up trouble. In your situation id prefer to take my child and leave. It sounds as if your dh doesn't do any parenting and your MIL is raising your ds. If you divorce it might be best for your ds to share 50-50 childcare with your dh and let your mil continue to raise him partly.

My husband is incapable of being the main parent for my child. Even with his mother's help. And I would resist my child living with them massively.

There is a house to rent nearby - 6 month let only. I think at least exploring this as an option is a step forward. I feel like I need to do something to help myself. And many of you are right - this seems so toxic, so wrong. Yet on the face of it, it doesn't seem too bad but I am now starting to doubt myself.

My child is very happy-go-lucky and is I believe, unaffected by the situation at home. But for how long?

Thank you to all for your advice.

Oh OP, I’m not sure I have anything to add but I wanted to say I feel for you and can really relate. We have a shared photo stream thing where we post photos of the kids for my parents, DH’s and my siblings and MIL without inflicting them on the wider world. A few weeks ago I posted a load of photos of a trip to the beach (the photo stream has also evolved into a kind of cloud backup of photos). MIL was clearly chatting to a few people on WhatsApp at the same time and messaged DH and I “the odd photo of the kids paddling is fine but God knows why she thinks we need to see selfies of her and the kids, photos of topless pensioners [my dad, playing with his grandchildren, from the back] or photos of what they had for lunch”. Cue long long silence (over a week) of her not messaging or talking to me at all, although she’s still talking to DH. I feel both a bit devastated (I genuinely love her and call her my ‘bonus mum’ and thought we had a great relationship) and am trying to have a proportionate response to something that feels so juvenile to be upset about but I’m finding it really hard to get past. I’m lucky in as much that DH’s initial reaction was fury and he was all for ringing up his mum and telling her off but I talked him out of it because she’s currently ill, very stressed and one of those people where if someone confronts her the world ends and drama ensues. But I feel weirdly out of sorts about it, really uncomfortable that she’s happily slagging me off to either DH’s brother or SIL and just a bit let down. I know it’s silly but I don’t know I’ll ever look at her in the same way or have the free and easy going relationship we’ve always had, even though rationally I know she’s allowed to have a vent on a bad day and it’s just bad luck she did it in the wrong window.

I’m sorry, this might have turned into a lengthy derail but this I related so much to your OP I wanted to say I relate to your feelings. I can understand you being upset, especially living in the same house with your MIL? So often these ‘small’ incidents end up being symptoms of bigger things. I hope you unravel your feelings and figure out what to do next that’s right for you.

@Churrolicious i think the difference between your situation (upsetting as it is) and the OPs is 1 that dh didn't support her and 2 thst the MIL is living in her home plus 3 its her parenting thats being questioned.

I think family do sometimes slag each other off. A sustained level of bitching indicates general dislike that is difficult to live in the same house with.

OP best have a childcare strategy worked out when you leave. Your dh has his (MIL) and they might think they can get your ds to live with them as you work. Dont let you be punished and MIL be rewarded with what she wants you gone.