MIL let children hang out with a banned relative

[SteamFromMyEars]

I've NC for this and trying not to rage and write a rant.

When my DH was 5 he was bullied and threatened by his adult uncle in law who would say nasty things when they were alone or out of earshot. He would also slag off my Dh father and generally was vile.

To be clear he didn't ever physically harm my DH but threatened to.

My DH then had to move in with him with my MIL and FIL for three months when he was six and it was hell for him.

DH moved away as a teen and whenever back on the rare occasion he would see uncle in law at a family gathering, the uncle would kiss his arse about how my now grown up successful DH was a credit to the family. Blatantly obvious he was afraid my DH would remember / tell.

My Mil rarely sees that sister but about 18 months ago told me she took my DD round to their house to play with their grand daughter and how the girls had gone off upstairs. I said instantly that she was never to let my D.C. out of her sight with that man around and that I didn't want them socialising with him and he's nothing to us.

I asked if DH had told her what had occurred all those years ago and she said yes as an adult he had told her. She looked sheepish. I said I didn't understand why she even gave him the time of day and he was evil and a psychopath to threaten a little boy. I said just because he's old now, he's still the same man that would wait for his chance like a predator. She agreed not to allow him to be around the D.C. .

She's got the dc at the moment and messaged to say the DC had a good day, they'd met up with her sister, evil uncle and the grand daughter and the uncle had taken the two girls out on a boat!!!!!!!!

I am raging!!!!! I'm waiting for her to arrive with D.C. now but messaged saying that DH HATES THAT MAN, and how he is evil and to never do that again.

She sent back some vague nonsense saying it would be an unlikely situation to happen again but also they popped round to their house last night!

DH and I have established that she has definitely forgotten the conversation we had 18 months ago. But how do I make it stick in her brain?

I understand she wants to hang out with her sister and they have the grand kids together but if he's there, she can't ever ever take them

Your DH confronts the asshole in front of his mother.

She didn't forget. She just wanted to do something and did it anyway. I wouldn't let my kids be alone with her in future, to be honest.

If you MIL ‘forgets’ to safeguard your children I wouldn’t let her near.

Seems to me like your DH needs to make it clear to his mother that there is to be no further contact between your DC and this uncle, or she ceases having unsupervised contact with your DC. She may not agree with your wishes, but she needs to adhere to them.

You'll just have to threaten her with not having your DC if she can't be trusted.

I don’t think I’d let her have your DD alone together; if she’s forgotten the conversation then she obviously doesn’t think what the uncle did was that bad so isn’t safeguarding your DD or she does remember and has ignored it.

It doesn't matter much if she forgot, or she remembered but didn't care. The result is the same- she can't be trusted with your children when you aren't there.

Previous posters are right - you have to be blunt:

“MIL - you know we don’t want our dd seeing Uncle Satan, and exactly why. If we cannot trust you to ensure she doesn’t see him you will not be able to have her unsupervised. You choose.”

That's would be the last time she her ever had our children unsupervised.
She has went behind your back twice after you had a conversation about keeping the children away from him.

1. The boat trip.
2. The late night visit.

She cares more for her own wants, than the safety of her dgc.

Thank you. I really appreciate you backing up what I thought.

She sent the children back with her husband instead. I was looking forward to both me and Dh Talking to her face to face. I've explained to FIL our stance and he agrees.

We've told him to tell her to take a break and children won't need to visit for rest of holidays. Then when I see her I can spell it out. She would die if she couldn't see the D.C. so this unexpected summer holiday cut off will give her some thinking time

I’d also be worried about how she allowed your DH to end up being abused too. I’d hope most parents would notice what was going on.

Not a chance would she have my children alone again. I'd visit her with them but that's it. I'm not sure why you'd entertain anything else to be honest.

I'm suspicious about her apparently realising about your DH too. Could she have turned a blind eye then, to avoid the confrontation?

Sorry, that should have been about her NOT realising.

Your MIL has let her own son be abused by this man. What makes you think she won’t also let your DC be abused? I wouldn’t allow her to have unsupervised contact with DC after this. She knows she’s dine went by which is why she sent FIL to face your wrath!

*done wrong

So FIL has agreed - MIL already agreed before and then completely did the opposite. Stop listening to what they say and look at how they behave. If you don't want contact between your dc and this man you cannot let MIL have unsupervised contact with the dc. It's that simple.

Politely but firmly, tell her because of her actions , shes blown it spending any time with your kids , unsupervised. She needs to see you model responsible behaviour, dyarting with her. She doesnt seem to understand otherwise.