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Original poster

Son in law stag do

25 replies

MallyBanusBeach · 24/07/2018 19:38

Dh's daughter is getting married in three weeks and he has been invited to the stag do. He declined because he thought it would be inappropriate (he's 61 and most of the stag group are in their 30's). Unfortunately, due to the initial invitation he has been included in the group chat with all of the group while they discuss the details, and the group includes two of his brothers in law (late 40's) and another son in law. They are discussing which strip club/lap-dancing clubs to visit. Dh is horrified as he is absolutely certain that this is a deal breaker for both of his daughters. Does he tell them? He thinks they will be very upset with him if it transpires that he knew, and did/said nothing about it. If he says something will he also be in the wrong?

What would you do?

*Please don't try and persuade him or us that strip clubs are fine, we're honestly not interested in that view.

OP posts:

LML83 · 24/07/2018 19:45

I would tell my DD what I knew. But I would guess DD is ok with it or they wouldn't discuss it so openly.

augustboymummy17 · 24/07/2018 19:46

As a daughter point of you if I found out my oh was doing a strip club on his stag do and my dad knew and didn't tell me I would be cross and upset I think should be upfront and tell her. Xx

Thedutchwife · 24/07/2018 19:48

He should tell his DD. Why wouldn’t he?

MissBartlettsconscience · 24/07/2018 19:50

He should tell his DD. If it's a deal breaker for her, she should have the chance to tell her fiancé before he goes, in a 'just so you know' kind of way.

letsdolunch321 · 24/07/2018 19:57

I wouldn’t waste money going to a strip/lap dancing club. Interesting from reading the post it appears the older 40 men want the strip/lap dancing entertainment.

I wouldn’t worry my dd with the detsils as it may not happen. My dp want to a lad dancing club for his ss stag night, he said it was all money making and you were not allowed near the dancer

user1493413286 · 24/07/2018 20:02

I wouldn’t tell DD, I think your DH should speak to son in law to be and suggest that he tells his wife to be as now he’s been included in the chat he feels uncomfortable about knowing and his DD not knowing.
That will protect your DHs relationship with his son in law and DD far more than going straight to her.
You may find a lot of it is jokes or that he’s already discussed with her.

hiddeneverything · 24/07/2018 20:16

I think he should speak to the men about it and then his daughters x

Original poster

MallyBanusBeach · 24/07/2018 20:17

Thank you for your responses, some food for thought.

I should've said that the groom is not part of the group chat (it's being organised for him) so we don't know if he would even want a strip club as part of it. Tbh I would be really surprised if he would want that. It's definitely the older members of the group pushing for the strip clubs to be included, the younger guys are all about the activities earlier (e.g. paintballing).

I don't know the bride's opinion but dh thinks she'd be very upset. His other dd has said in front of us that if she ever found out that her dh had set foot in one of those places that their relationship would be done. Yet that's what they're planning. I can't believe that their uncles think this would be a good idea, they're all very close.

OP posts:

Ploppymoodypants · 24/07/2018 20:26

I was in this position as the bride. DH wasn’t included in the chat but people who I considered very good friends of mine (rather than people I l know through DH) were. And FIL knew too. They didn’t tell me. DH called me from the stag do and was honest about what was happening and removed himself from situation. (I am sure he did as he got a lot of grief about it and other evidence shows this too). My relationship with the ones who arranged it has not recovered. I no longer view them as friends or people I can trust. It’s also affected my friendships with their DW’s as they share my feelings about this sort of thing, and I am stuck between telling them what went on or not. If it was my dad who had treated me like that I would have been devastated, seeing as he is someone who is supposed to look out for me and put my first and protect me. Not collude with them in my deception.

Racecardriver · 24/07/2018 20:41

I think your DH should have a word with the groom. If he indeed doesn't want this then he can put a stop to it if however he is happy with it then your DH should tell your dd exactly what kind of jam she is marrying. Tbh I wouldn't make assumptions though. It us likely that a few attendees will leave before the party gets to the strip clubs.

DamsonPie · 24/07/2018 20:45

I’d expect my father to tell me. Would be devastated and angry to discover he knew and didn’t tell me. My father is supposed to be on my side.

Original poster

MallyBanusBeach · 24/07/2018 21:01

Thank you everyone for replying, this has really helped. Poor dh has been worrying about it for a few days as the group chat has developed.

We've made some notes/pointers from your replies and dh is going to ring his son in law and the groom tomorrow.

Ploppymoodypants I really feel for you and how disappointed you must've been in your 'friends' and family - it's exactly how I would feel.
Thank you for posting.

Gah...why do some men think that other men in a relationship happy enough to embark on marriage need this? Idiots!

Dh has a couple of awkward conversations to have tomorrow! But at least he has a plan.

Thank you

OP posts:

hiddeneverything · 25/07/2018 19:26

How did the chat go?

brainepson · 25/07/2018 19:27

He should tell them. Twats.

Original poster

MallyBanusBeach · 25/07/2018 19:48

Hi, the chat went well. He only phoned groom-to-be, who was also miffed that strip clubs were being organised on his behalf (groom is not part of group chat). He assured dh that he wouldn't partake in any of that malarky, and agreed that the bride-to-be would be devastated. He thanked dh and understood his concern and made it clear he'll speak to the main organisers to take it off the agenda. Dh was happy and didn't think he needed to phone his other son in law (not one of the organisers but in group chat).

Unfortunately, a couple of hours later (before the groom has had a chance to limit damage/send warning?) another message came through with a more detailed agenda from the groom's best friend asking for recommendations for clubs and specifying how the groom likes his strippers. Could it have been a joke? It's hard to tell when things are written rather than said?

Dh doesn't know what to do now. Group chat has gone quiet.

OP posts:

Thedutchwife · 25/07/2018 19:57

I would see that last message as a piss take. The groom has obviously said some thing

LML83 · 25/07/2018 20:07

Take the groom at his word.

Maybe the friend are assuming he likes strippers

Maybe they are deliberately causing trouble as they have been told it's not happening

Maybe he did like strippers/went along with the crowd at one stage in his life but has come to realise it is not acceptable.

Original poster

MallyBanusBeach · 25/07/2018 20:08

I hope so - we might have lost our sense of humour over this .

OP posts:

Awrite · 25/07/2018 20:08

Well done to your dh. He definitely did the right thing.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 25/07/2018 20:28

I think you've done what you can.

Any further involvement could be construed as "meddling".

I don't think it is, but I think you get one chance to intervene on an issue like this.

Truth is they'll do it anyway if that's the plan - just use another WA group.

Or the groom will put a stop to it.

FWIW my DH was "under pressure" to accept a similar type of event. He got wind of it (not through me - I found out about a year later via another friend then confirmed by him) and he'd basically issued an ultimatum that if anyone wanted to do this type of event they were not welcome. If they all did - they could do it without the stag.

As I said - at the time I had no idea about it. However do know DH and I share similar views on the objectification of women and prostitution.

Haggisfish · 25/07/2018 20:36

I think piss take as well. Others are pissed ofc and trying to take it out on groom to be. Fucks sake!!

Haggisfish · 25/07/2018 20:37

That is directed at the best man and party, not any other posters, to be clear!

SandyY2K · 27/07/2018 02:00

It's definitely the older members of the group pushing for the strip clubs to be included

That's the really horrible bit. The older men...like perves.

That last message was a wind up.

Pinkprincess1978 · 28/07/2018 00:34

Well done to your DH. He did the right thing. Lap dances are a deal breaker for me - I'm less worried about strippers from a far - my DH was put in a similar position on his stag do, he left just before they planned to leave the pub to go it's a bit of a funny story but very outing if anyone I know is on here 😂

One of the lads who did go on to the club spent £500 that night on lap dances 😱

MoodyMumOfOne · 30/07/2018 18:01

Your DH has done the right thing. Perhaps he should just leave the group chat now.

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