IL's crashing our holiday

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We're very skint at the minute, so for our hols this year we're going to stay with relatives of DH for 10days, just booked flights and doggy care last week.
DH's dad "kindly" offered to pay for our flights (they're very wealthy and are aware of our financial situation). I wasn't entirely happy about this, as we could have covered it without bankrupting ourselves, but DH was insistent that it was just a kind gesture from them, and of course it's ok for his parents to want to gift it to him.
Last night DH announced that his parents have also booked to go to stay in an apartment round the corner from the relatives we'll be staying with from day 2 to day 7 of our 10 day holiday. They did this "to get the opportunity to see everyone together", but didn't mention beforehand that they were going to do it.

We've been on hols with them several times, which I generally don't enjoy and last year I told DH I wasn't going to go with them again. They are nice people, but MIL talks incessantly, never relaxes; FIL is massively controlling in a really passive aggressive quiet way; and they're extremely stuffy and judgemental about anyone who doesn't live their lives in the same way they do. When we're all together I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in case I'd say or do the wrong thing - for example eyes would be rolling if someone (me) should have a second glass of wine with dinner (ON HOLIDAYS!); MIL farted one time when she had a tummy upset, and FIL told her off (albeit quietly) in front of me as though she was a 3 year old, it was so embarrassing.
I realise the answer to my wwyd is that I'm just going to pull on my big girl pants and get on with it, not an option not to go as my DC are looking forward to seeing the relatives, but there's part of me that feels really controlled and manipulated by them - this is our only holiday this year, I want to relax and kick back a bit, but they've taken that option away from us...

Do they actually say anything or just eye roll and tsk? If the latter ignore and enjoy that second glass. The positive is they will not actually be staying with you so make the most of that space!

I'd be fuming! Did your DH know? What has he said about it?

I would stick to my plans and make sure I only saw the PILs for brief, pre-arranged periods of time - its your holiday, dont let them dictate how you spend it!

Unfortunately because they are paying for your holiday you don't have a leg to stand on, you are going to have to suck it up. Arrange a few days out just your little family while they are there to give yourself a break.

Next year go on a cheaper holiday locally, pay for it yourselves, and you'll be able to enjoy going alone.

DH didn't know in fairness, and he did apologise to me last night (once he'd gotten over his initial defensiveness on their behalf).
I'd love to be able to ignore the eye-rolling. They are far too "polite" to actually say anything, but I find it so difficult- the tension is palpable! I need to practice letting go...

That's the bit that really grates on me - we never asked for them to pay, although things aren't easy for us financially, we could have afforded it, and certainly wouldn't have booked anything we couldn't afford, but they just offered. Clearly there's always a catch/condition.

I'd be fuming too. And I would be trying to get out of it myself as I only get one week a year holiday and it's too precious to be wasted on a crap experience. But I can see that might not work for you. As you have already said you don't want to holiday with them again your DH needs to help you by standing up to his parents and making sure you get plenty of holiday time without them. It's the least he can do. Ignore the eye rolls and do as you please. Next time you know that free flights come at a cost and to just decline them.

I would plan lots of days out on the days they are there. Up and out early before they can join you. I'd be pissed off too.

Actually, you can not go. I'd imagine your DH might be a bit more forthcoming with them with the prospect of looking after the kids by himself looming.
They're manipulative and sound horrible. Shit holiday.

Use the money you saved to book days out maybe even a night away while there. Or even better if you have DC leave them with ils and have a night away the two of you.

I need to practice letting go...

A third or fourth glass of wine should help with this!! 🤪🤪

Can't you just go out on your own during the day and meet up for a meal in the evenings?

Seems like you've been stitched up like a kipper there by your ILs.

I would ensure this never happens again but also avoiding falling into trap of 'Here we go, we'll be having a nightmare time with ILs which I will just have to suck up'. Use this as an opportunity to be assertive and enforce your own boundaries. Do things differently so it's better for you. Limit your time with them, choose not to be bothered by the way they act with each other, have as many glasses as wine as you want etc etc etc.

You say you 'want to relax and kick back but they've taken that option away from us'. Don't let them! They aren't ever going to change their behaviour but you can change yours to make the holiday as good as it can be for you, despite them parachuting into it.

This is why DH and I agreed early on in the marriage not to mix family and money. After our first year together, in which we lived in a flat cheaply rented from my PILs, and bought their used car via monthly payments, and went on a holiday they paid for which sounds a lot like yours, we realised it's too messy to have any financial exchanges with family members. There are always strings attached and more often than not these are unspoken so you don't know them in advance and you have to figure them out yourselves. Probably too late for this year (barring the suggestions above re committing only to short, pre-agreed periods of time with them and spending the rest of the time as you'd planned) but I'd have a chat with your DH to the tune of not accepting any other financial obligations "gifts" from them.
Luckily my parents are dirt poor so we don't have that problem with them

Are you hiring a car OP? If so, I would just go out and explore as much as you can while they're there. You might have to see them for dinner, but be as vague as you can about your plans, say 'Oh we'll decide in the morning' and then bugger off in your car to a beach a couple of miles away, or to explore a hill town or go to a water park. Water parks, IME, are very unpopular with older people, so they're a great way to get a day to yourselves

I guess we'll just have to employ the strategy of getting up early and heading off for day trips without them.
It's so disappointing, as our relatives are so lovely and chilled, and live in a beautiful house - was looking forward to lying on my arse in their gorgeous garden!

The idea of my FIL at a water park he'll stay in the car park if we go to the beach as he can't stand the sand!

can you just detach as much as possible...let dh do all the mix and mingle malarkey with the children and the other relatives, you can sit and coo about "what a fabulous husband he is" so MIL&FIL are beaming with pride and smug AF about how they raised a perfect son, father and husband

and you get to sit in a corner with half a glass of wine....never ever get caught with a full or empty glass keep it topped up but only let them see you with the "same" half glass

and have an IL Bingo game with dh!

Would the children like to stay over with the grandparents and you and dh would get to let it alllll hang out holiday stylee for one or two nights?

Why do you have to practise letting go? Would you put up with any other adult being so rude to you? Say something if they do it. Politely but firmer. Not crossly. If there is a row it will be their choosing. They do it because they see you - by extension - as a child / person they can comment on and not an adult. They can’t anymore than any other adult. Don’t change your holiday plans unless this doesn’t work otherwise you will resent it and not enjoy the holiday. Gifts genuinely meant do not come with strings. Don’t let this gift of the flights change your perfectly reasonable behaviour. Try not to worry about being assertive - difficult I know - just remember they have no problem being rude. Only exception might be re MiL’a talking. Earplugs in your phone even if you don’t actually switch the music on might be your friend! Can you tell I’ve been here too

Are your PILs the same as mine OP? I have learnt to cope over the years by ignoring my MIL when she talks constantly just like all her DH and DSs do. At first I felt really bad but it made such a positive difference to my holiday. My DH knows when my glass needs refilling - or when I need one in the first place - and he doesn't get comments when he refills it. Or sometimes I take a mug of wine upstairs for an early night Good luck and breathe deeply

Well stuff that for manipulation and control.

Send your DC off with your DP as they're all looking froward to seeing the relatives. Then book your self something lovely 1000's of miles away with the money you saved by DFIL paying for your initial holiday.

Just think of the peace, quiet, and relaxation you will have whilst everyone else is being eyerolled into submission.

Thanks for all your comments/ support, it's been very therapeutic to vent, and also reassuring to know that I'm not the only one that sees it as being manipulative. DH is inclined to just go along with it all, the behaviour doesn't seem to annoy him, although he's of course had over 40 years of it, so well used to it by now.
Their side of the fam aren't at all affectionate or demonstrative, and I feel like the financial gifts has been their substitute way of giving/ receiving love. Quite sad really. And not ok if it comes with conditions.

looking forward to lying on my arse in their gorgeous garden

So do! Just make sure you put some earphones in so it least looks like you're not up for any conversation and have a book or magazine ready to pick up and look engrossed with.