The 12-year non-engagement - Part 2

[fikit]

Previous Thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3250606-No-proposal-for-12-yrs-now-marrying-someone-else

As requested - please find here an extended thread. I've laid out the background in the previous thread, but I'd really appreciate some experienced, or armchair-wisdom advice on how to navigate the present cluster-fig that is my life.

The short: Two daughters and a twelve year relationship - partner walks out and marries his affair within the year. Now trying to navigate dealing with an uncommunicative ex-partner who hasn't said a word to me since, and our shared parenting of our beloved children - one of whom is anxious and kind and very worried about upsetting either of us, and the other who's life mission is to embarrass me in the supermarket by saying/doing something hopelessly inappropriate.

I love them both with all my heart and would like very much not to screw them up too much before they reach double figures. Any advice on this present situation?

Understandably your girls will be unsettled and enact that in different ways
The life they had,their certainties eg mum & dad have been disrupted
Dad is married, new step mum,and a tension between mum & dad

Advice
Be consistent
Tell them you love them
Don’t slag off dad or step mum
Stick to a routine
Try understand they act out because they can because they’re wee girls trying to negotiate and understand cataclysmic change

Make sure that you have a good friend, reliable confidant too

Whatever he does, be the parent you know you can be, do the right thing. Even if he doesn't behave well, make sure you do. Be ready to hear your DDs' feelings and enable them to vocalise and reassure your anxious DD that it isn't her job to make sure you or her dad are happy.

Gosh op I'm all up to date and I'm so sorry for the shit you're going through. You sound amazing.

I'd really recommend the book I bought my anxious daughter - what to do when you worry too much. It's a really nice tool to use.

As hard as it is, I'd recommend 'championing' your x to the children. It hurts like fuck and made me so angry, but honestly it was the best thing I did.

So I'd say how much daddy had missed them, and that he'll want to hear all their news etc etc

I had people say to me that the kids would work out soon enough what a cock my ex is, which might be true but I didn't want that for them. I wanted to shield them from his Behaviour so they didn't feel in any way responsible for the situation, or my happiness.

Gosh what a horrible time you've had and unsurprising DD's are unsettled. Do they have a counselor at their school? or could the school recommend one? DS's school recommended one at the local church who charged a minimal fee.
Good luck - and you sound like a great mum! remember to take care of yourself too.

@detdet- only negative to championing is if the other party is a negative emotional manipulator. By championing someone who puts you down, children will assume there version is the truth- it must be if Mum o my says nice things, and says dads nice, but dad says mums a bitch. Therefore Mum must be a bitch. I believe in being neutral- but I won't be abused out of earshot.

It’s bad enough that their father did this, but then to not speak to you after

If he properly co-parented with you, you would both sit with your DD1 to reassure her, but obviously he is incapable of doing this.

OP,have you had Abu counselling? I think it might help you. What you have been through is horrific.

I think you need to find a way to make peace with the past for your own sake. I just think it will help but that doesn't mean I don't see how guy wrenching it all is.

I would try and get some help for yourself as this might help how you talk to the girls about how they feel.

OP you sound lovely and I’m so sorry that you and your DC have been through this. Separation is one thing, but what your ex DP has done is just, well hard to understand.

What i will firstly say is that you will be fine and if you stay grounded and strong, your DC will be ok too. My advice?

1. I echo the PP advice re counselling. Both for your DC and mist definitely for you. A LOt of schools have partnerships with therapists who can provide this in the school setting. When my ex and I separated under similar conditions this really helped my eldest DC.
2. Do not start messing with contact, randomly inserting conditions around contact as this can backfire. Whilst your concerns around the DC may be genuine, your exP could view this as you being vindictive as a result of his recent nuptials. I would absolutely inform him that the DC are struggling and see if he responds (how can you be arranging contact if you’re not communicating at all?). Support current contact arrangements, reassure your DC and don’t start giving them a choice as to whether they can go or not. As I said on your previous thread, child experts told me to two things whenever my ex and I split. First that the most damaged children are those who become subject to conflict over contact arrangements and whose parents end up in family court fighting it out. Secondly the DC will tell me they don’t want to go and then tell my ex they don’t want to return. We were both told that we had to reassure the DC but also ensure that contact progressed.
3. If our really do find yourself struggling to communicate/ agree contact then find a local family mediator who can help you to hammer out a parenting plan/ contact plan. You can find some, see if the ex agrees to go. He should. A good mediator is worth their weight in gold. Mine kept us out of the courts.
4. document everything. Communicate via email. Keep it minimal and child focussed.

I guess the only advice I want to reiterate is to not mess with contact. That can inflame situations and before you know it lawyers and courts are involved. That’s horrific for the kids. I think the posters who advise you to listen to what the children say and put their needs first have little to no knowledge of how the courts operate. Don’t go there.

As above.

Ah OP I followed your other thread and I really feel for you. I think you dealt fantastically with the wedding scenario. Hope things get easier for you and your girls with time. It's worth remembering that you are entitled to feel angry (even if you choose not to express it in front of the girls).

Re contact weekends I think it's good advice to be neutral/positive about them and approach them as something non-negotiable (like school). And to say while they're away you'll get the boring jobs done then do X nice thing (ie not too exciting but they don't need to worry about you). Good luck xx