My mother is awful

[Kelwar]

Since having children I have discovered that my mother is actually not that nice... she had an affair while married to our dad (I have one brother.. 2 years older) the marriage broke up when I was 5 and I was sent to boarding school at 6... I would cry a lot as I was so homesick but my pleas fell on deaf ears.. she met a wealthy man, they were both huge drinkers/party animals and often their nights out would descend into a drunken physical fights... they both had affairs but are still together..They would holiday and leave me at school... I was never taken away in the school holidays anywhere.. she never supported my brother or I financially so any hope of uni was dashed and I moved to London at 18... I was really hard up and the one time I asked her to help (once for £20) she huffed and puffed so much I never asked again. I got involved with two much older men as looking back I needed someone to take care of me.
Fast forward to me having my son 11 years ago and I ended up with PND... she moved to France at that time and I had no help or support from her once again.. even though she knew I was ill.
She hasn't been a particularly hands on nan to my two, she will come out for days out but is no help at all and just sits herself down and smokes her fags!
She ruined my 40th birthday (I had invited just immediate family) she turned up at 6.30 hungover and left by 9.30, blaming the fact the children were up and it was too chaotic.. her grandchildren!!
She recently inherited some money and I thought this might be a nice opportunity for us to do something together my auntie had inherited the same amount and has given my cousin £3500 (I would never expect a sum like this... the spa would be enough) and wanted to take her on a spa break.. shes my mum's sister so she asked my mum if she wanted to treat me to a spa break too... she doesn't.. infact she even moaned to me about my auntie going on and on about the spa break.
I've had enough now... I've gone NC for a month, I don't want to speak to her... we do everything for her, lunches, paying for her to go to Spain last year, inviting her to come on out holiday this year (free) and it's so much more than she has ever done for me... I am sick of her lying and blaming everyone for her crappy actions... tonight she hasn't text my husband to ask why I am behaving the way I am and I'm fuming... last time she text me she was clearly drunk and called me nasty for being hurt...she just doesn't get it... I would never treat my children like she treats my brother and I... please help

No advice I'm afraid OP but bumping for you and hopefully someone more useful will come along with some wise words.

Your mum sounds awful and not worth your time. for you.

I don't know if it's much help, but going NC takes some time to get used to and it can hurt for some time, so for you.
Whether you should keep going with the NC is up to you though - I went NC with my mother for three years because of her drunken and controlling behaviour. We're fine now, but the relationship is very different to what it was.

Read JOnice Webb's ''Running on Empty''. It's very helpful. YOu have all of my sympathies btw. I had to give my mother two months of very low contact from April to June. But now, she thinks I was embarrassed and that that's why I avoided her for two months. Wrong.

ps, I see your mother is very similar to my own.

She gets angry that you're hurt by something she did. Cos she has a fictional view of you and if you feel an emotion in response to her that is negative rather than positive it threatens her fictional view of you. Sorry if that sounds really bullshity but my mother is like this, same triggers.

She did something really hurtful and insensitive but when I told her I was baffled and upset she got ANGRY with me about my BEHAVIOUR.

There is just no introspect, no self-awareness, no apology, EVER.

I'm still glad I went low contact for a couple of months though as I could hardly look at her I was so annoyed.

She has left a scar on me and weirdly I forgive her her shit parenting when I was a child but it's when she pulls the same shit; adult to adult that I find it harder to overlook.

Yup. Read all of your post and your mum IS awful and no amount of 'but perhaps she has a personality disorder/ASD/ mental health issues nor a bad childhood can explain, as your mum come accross as a neglectful, selfish and unkind. Even if she has any of those, it still means she is unkind but also "with issues".

Go LC or NC, and don't expose your children to her toxicity.

Unless she apologises for being a douche/poor mum, as we British love a genuine apology.

Your mum sounds a very immature and self absorbed woman, who takes a great deal while giving little in return. You're probably right to go NC. However, if you're going to do it, then getting angry because she isn't trying to find out why is not the way to go. You can't go NC in an attempt to get a reaction from her. You have to giv up the relationship, such as it is.

Where is your dad, btw? Do you have a relationship with him? Your mum seems to be getting a lot of blame, but your dad isn't mentioned at all.

She does sound awful. But you only have one mum. Perhaps you could get away with seeing her twice a year and then not talking to her the rest of the time? If you feel ok with that?

It sounds like she wouldn't be bothered by this, but twice a year is enough to maybe keep her off your back? You can also mentally prepare yourself for those visits then.

Positives.....at least you know how NOT the be a parent! I bet you shower your kids with love xx

Thanks everyone.. I'm not alone it would seem!
I haven't seen my dad for 30 years, he couldn't cope with my mother either so disappeared with his wife and my half brothers to wales... I wrote to him about 6 years ago but he ignored my contact... he's a total tool too.. we got very unlucky with our mum and dad xx

You are absolutely right, my mother always gets angry and defensive when I am upset by something she has done.. she lies so much to cover her tracks it's ridiculous.. I just don't need it anymore, it's exhausting.. I've tried so hard and dreamt of having a wonderful giving parent but sadly we don't all get those so therefore it is something to learn from... I love my children to bits, I am in danger of being too in their faces though because of my own experiences so I need to learn to back off a bit! They def won't get to 40 and say we weren't there for them..

OP read bethany webster, healing the mother wound online.
And cannot recommend the jonice webb books highly enough.

I have been NC with my Mum for over a year now. She is an alcoholic compulsive liar.

I sat and thought about the negativity she had bought to my life and the positive.

I decided it wasn't worth it, she pretends she hasn't done anything wrong, but she knows exactly what she has done. She asks other family members often to try and get me to talk to her. But she's still an alcoholic and will never change.

If she's got a wealthy man, why are you treating her and paying for holidays to Spain?

Mylurcheristhebest your mother sounds just like mine.. it's so awful isn't it? My mother has always been a huge drinker too... she has calmed down on the drinking but still lies and is still a rubbish mother..

Ajandjjmum my step father is a bit on the tight side... she chose to stay with him so I don't have an awful lot of sympathy to the fact he seems to resent sharing with her.. although she has also lead a nice life too.. they had a huge house in the country, flat in Knightsbridge and drove a Bentley... and then moved to France and Spain... we paid for her last year as we had taken my husband's mum on holiday with us, but to be fair she is deserving and is a really lovely supportive mum

I don't know why she wouldn't have shared her inheritance if she is so wealthy, unless your stepfather is very controlling about money. She sounds like Joanna Lumley in Ab Fab!