MIL told me today she attempted suicide a few months ago

[UbercornsGoggles]

She has only told one friend (yesterday) and me (today) about this, other than her GP who arranged counselling at the time.

She has a very difficult relationship with FIL, who has mental health issues following a breakdown nearly 20 years ago. They have an unhappy mutually codependent relationship. We (my husband and I) have tried to support them as much as we can, but things are gradually getting worse and they are spiralling into deep unhappiness with their current situation, though neither seems to have the energy to change things (themselves, their behaviour, or their situation). They have had Relate counselling in the past but I don't think it really helped them, and neither have much faith in counselling as a tool to help them individually or as a couple.

MIL told me today that she tried, but failed, to kill herself a few months ago when FIL had left for a few weeks after a particularly bad episode. After she told me she then asked me not to tell my husband (her son) and I assume she would expect this to extend to my SIL (her daughter) with whom I and my husband are close.

I feel awkward about this because I don't keep secrets from my husband, but at the same time he would understand my need not to break the confidence.

Her revelation has taken the wind out of my sails. I knew things were bad but I would never have expected her to attempt suicide. She seems better now, but things are still bad and getting worse for her at home, so she could end up feeling suicidal again.

Our conversation was difficult because we were in a public restaurant and my toddler as with us. I want to do what I can to support her (and FIL) to improve things if possible.

What do I do now?

Can anyone help?

Oh I really wouldn’t know what to do! That’s a massive secret for you to keep and she’s put you in a slightly difficult situation as now you’ll be worrying if she’ll make another attempt and you can’t share this worry with anyone.

Thats such an awful situation to be in. Personally i would tell dh just in case in the future anything did happen and your mil attempted suicide again x

I think you should tell your dh you are concerned about her mental health after chatting to her and think she is more vulnerable than you realised. You don't have to tell him about the suicide attempt if you feel this would breach her confidence, but you could say you think she is struggling a lot more with FiL than you previously were aware and you want to get her some more support.

That must have come as a shock to you, OP. Why do you think she told you? She's told one friend and you, so she may want to tell her children in the near future or she's hoping you'll do it for her

Thank you for your replies. I do feel very conflicted. I probably wasn't very clear in my OP but my dilemma is not whether to break her confidence (I'm still musing on this) but what can I do to get her more support given what I now know. My primary concern is about getting her the help she needs - ideally someone she can open up to who won't be put in an awkward position (she is conscious that she doesn't want me or her children to feel they have to take sides). I suggested that she would benefit from speaking regularly with a private counsellor who she could vent to, and who would be able to help her reflect on her situation and decide what to do about it (if anything). I planted the seed though she didn't seem very keen.

@SassitudeandSparkle I don't think she intended to tell me the detail, it just came out. I suspect she will want to keep it from her children - FIL has been suicidal in the past and she knows how much it worried them then. She wouldn't want them worrying about her too. But at the same time, as you say, she has now suddenly told 2 people. Is it a cry for help?

@Hillstreamloach - I have effectively done what you suggested - hinted to my husband that she was in a far darker, sadder place than we had realised. He feels a little powerless to help though (as do I) because she has some ingrained behaviours that would be very hard for her to change - she demonstrates these towards FIL and both her children, though not towards me - and it makes it hard for him to do anything other than be there for her when she reaches out.

I'm very sorry. What a horrible situation to be in.

I think if I was in this situation I would probably talk to MIL myself first. I kind of feel you have a duty to her and your dh to protect her by breaking that confidence. Privately tell her that you are very worried after what she told you and that you will be telling your dh. If she'd prefer to tell him herself then you will wait until x time.

Well tbh I’d see if she would leave FIL... could you help her set her self up. Tbh I’d tell your husband aswell. It’s too big a secret to keep! It’s good she’s reaching out and good that she’s gone to her GP. Maybe she needs reminding that actually she needs to look after her self and not just FIL.could she come to your house for a small break. Create a degree of separation so that maybe some of the fog lifts

Oh the poor woman. It’s good she could talk to you about it. I’d try to arrange a child free chat and say you’re pleased she felt able to open up to you, and ask how things are now and if there’s anything she would like you to do now?

@chillyegg They already have the opportunity to live apart if they choose to, and do separate for short periods every few months. But she doesn't want to be alone. She told me that all the options open to her (staying, going) would make her unhappy. It's very very difficult to know what to say to her and ultimately she needs to come to her own conclusion, which is why I think counselling would help her. I don't think she would come to stay with us because she and my husband would end up falling out - she's not an easy person to live with though she's lovely in so many other ways.

I think planting the seed of the counsellor was a good idea - even if she's not ready yet, I'd keep gently pushing the idea of talking to a 'neutral' third party who is not involved in the situation.

When you say they separate, is that your FIL leaving more than your MIL leaving IYSWIM? He leaves, not her and she doesn't like that. Has she ever been the one to leave?

@Sassitude - you're right, it's usually him that leaves and it was when he did that last time that she attempted suicide. I guess I know to be extra vigilant when that next happens.

You've said she doesn't want to live alone would she consider living within a community?A shelter or assisted living maybe.

Has her GP been much help and would your MIL consider talking to someone like the samaritans?