MIL!!!

[Firsttimer1234]

We had issues with my MIL and FIl turning up Everyday since I've had DS. Literally every single day since I've been out of hosipital and never texting or phoning to say/ask they were coming. We'd be dishing tea up and they'd turn up. Really got to me, he's our first and we were trying to get into a routine and adjust to our new life and they were here all the time. My husband had a word with them and ask if they would text before turning up. They said if shouldn't be like that yarda yarda. They did for maybe two days. On Sunday morning at 9.00am I was sat feeding in the lounge, husband in bed after being up most of the night and low and behold..MIL is stood at the French windows in the back garden staring in and waving! These doors are in our lounge, so there i am in my knickers and vest while she stood there! She had come down the drive, unlocked the back gate and come through the garden because she didn't want to knock incase we were asleep! I was fuming!
I tried to sit down and talk to my husband about it last night. I have also found out that she phoned my husband upset because we went shopping to the supermarket and took DS with us and in her words, 'we should have left him with them!'
I've made it clear to everyone that visits, no one is picking him up when he's asleep. You don't wake a sleeping baby right?! Even me and DH wouldn't pick him up when he's asleep. And again she complained to DH saying she feels like she's not allowed to hold him up.
They are miffed because they fully expected to be babysitting within a week and for us to be on the phone asking for help and inviting them round. He has 8 weeks prem, we were both in hospital for two weeks, day one of being home and they invited us to a bbq, just stupid. This is our first baby and even if I do say so myself we are coping and managing really well and I feel that MIL is disappointed that we are doing well. She has lots of friends that have their grandkids constantly and she clearly expected this too. Husband is very conflicted. He is extremely close to them and doesn't want 'everyone falling out!'.
I feel constantly on edge like I can't relax in my own home for fear of them turning up.
And they keep coming in wearing shoes on my light grey carpets even though for two years, everyone, including them, have taken them off at the door. Wtf
It's getting me down that much that I have been looking at houses to move away from the area so they aren't on our doorstep...
Also, me and MIL work at the same place, I'm on maternity and whenever she's here all she does it talk about work, what's happened, who's done what etc I don't know how many time I've told her I'm not interested and don't want to think or talk about work

Hi OP, my otherwise lovely mil sprang this on me by surprise after my baby as well. Are you breastfeeding? That helped as I couldn’t possibly let them babysit for at least 6 months!

Mine werent as bad but I felt suffocated and they lived 4 hours away (still drove down the second we told him I'd had the baby without asking if it was ok, and then turned up every weekend after for a few weeks, DH had to tell them they weren't staying in our house).

I would just be clear with them (although get your DH to be the one telling them) that everything is overwhelming and you want a few weeks to bond as a family. That means no unexpected visitors.

Or speak to MIL and say something like 'I'm planning to do as much skin to skin time in bed with baby over the next couple of weeks as that's what is recommended for babies but especially premature ones. We'd love to see you next weekend for an hour, why don't you pop in at 3 for a cup of tea?'

Get your keys back!

I had similar with my pil's. I wish i'd stood up to them sooner, 'cos it's bloody horrible to feel bullied by their complete lack of respect over my boundaries. Really, the only advice i can offer is to work on your boundaries and insist upon them being respected. It may well cause them bad feeling, but remember your feelings are just as valid as theirs. Their wishes do not get to trump yours!

Another thing that might work is to arrange a mutually agreeable time for them to visit, so maybe twice a week (or whatever you feel you can cope with). It might even be better for you to visit them, 'cos then you can leave when you want, rather then them outstaying their welcome at yours.

Or if they do insist if calling round uninvited, just say, oh my and the baby were just going for a bath and either leave them there alone for hours, (after the bath, the baby needs a naptime with you doing skin to skin/breastfeeding), or tell them to call back at the agreed time,

Also, deal with this sooner rather than later otherwise it will be overhadowing your precious memories of your time with your newborn. I’m still simmering with resentment three years later, don’t be like me!

Tell your h that there is going to be some serious falling out unless he gets his parents to back off. Tell him he can either do it himself, tactfully, or you will do a lot less tactfully!
It's all very well saying he doesn't want people to fall out, but this sort of shit is what tips women into post natal depression and ruins the early days when you need to bond and settle as a family.

My ILs were like this too and their inability to give me any personal space in the early weeks with ds1 affected our relationship long term. They were good people, but they drove me nuts. Luckily I had a dh who was willing to tell them to back off a bit.

Put a lock on the garden gate and a lock on the front door, and dont answer it when they come round unannounced. When they moan to DH, he needs to say that you wont be answering the door to any unannounced visitors for the next month, and if they dont respect his requests then he will see it as disrespect and there will be further consequences.

They must be very excited to be GPs, but they need to rein it in. They are not the primary people in your DH’s life anymore

Neonatal is so stressful. That is very disrespectful.

You could always use the fact that he was early to your advantage, ie you need time just the three of you to bond as you didn't get that in hospital. My prem is a year now but when he was little I didn't let anyone with any illness even a cold in the house. Breathing issues are common with early babies and it's not worth the risk imo.

I did all that although my in laws are good, MIL gave us space and now DS is older and there's no medical equipment she has him one night a week.

This is your DH's problem. He needs to tell them that he is not happy with them turning up unannounced and won't tolerate it. Otherwise you become the evil DIL who isn't letting them see their DGC.

Your dh should be doing all he can to support you. Tell him to bloody well man up and sort it out.

I really feel for you Firstimer1234

I was in the EXACT same position as you when DD was born. It started before the birth with the constant tummy rubs, questions re breastfeeding or bottle so she could know if she could babysit, I breastfed and she was NOT happy. The week up to the birth every day the same message...."anything yet? is my baby here yet?"

This was her 7th Grandchild......

It was so bad that we didnt tell them when we went in to be induced, in fact we 'checked in' somewhere random on Facebook so she was thrown off scent! When DD arrived we called the families and we insisted that DH other children meet their DS first. Well this was NOT on for MIL. She demanded that they are 'just kids' they dont need to meet her so soon/...well this made me defo not let her in to see DD first!

Anyway once home she was there ALL.THE.TIME she never would say when she was coming prior to the birth anyway so DH had a word and said no unexpected visitors will be tolerated. I had a terrible infection from stitches and the first 10 days were written off for me anyway but MIL being there offering her advice and trying to take DD off me whilst I was feeding did not help my mental state. Everything is such a blur of emotions those first precious days isn't it?!

Stand your ground OP! we are all behind you and totally sympathise!

You need DH to put his foot down hard and tell them to piss off and give you respect. Get the keys back and have visits on your terms only. It's the only way, trust me. Bitter experience speaking.

I really sympathise. I was regularly in tears the first few weeks because my MIL would turn up unannounced at the most inconvenient times. I lost so much weight because she insisted that she would visit when I’d got the baby to sleep and was dishing up my evening meal (hubby working away Mon-Fri) so it usually ended up in the bin. My husband tried and tried to get through to her but she wouldn’t listen. I ended up closing all of the blinds and locking the doors. I just didn’t answer unless she’s text beforehand. I also did a good few supermarket shops just at the moment I guessed she might pop over. After not catching us in for 2 weeks, she got the message.

I had this from my mum, I knew she would be like it the minute she starting spouting off about Grandparents rights when I was pregnant, and warning me that if she wasn’t the first to know when DD was born she would be devastated.
It’s so stressful and I really feel for you, please get your dh to say something, I regret not having the courage to speak up and wasted so many of those first weeks hiding in my own home!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could bring yourself to say you were thinking of moving because you find their constant presence suffocating? One can only dream...

It sounds awful OP. Your husband needs to step up and parent his parents.

Ha, I remember mentioning that we might move to Canada just to freak my MIL out Sadly, I lacked the balls to add, "To get away from you!"

What is it with so many mothers and MILs becoming total psychos when a new baby comes on the scene? I think you may have to move house OP, and change jobs. Your MIL's behaviour is unsettling to say the least. Good luck.

Your DH needs to keep telling them to not just turn up. Like a broken record. They don’t need to fall out “I love you, it’s lovely to see you, but right now we need the time/space to settle/bond with our baby^

And put a cheap bolt on the gate, out of reach from the outside.

When she starts talking about work tell her - I’m on maternity leave, I don’t need to know about X.