School meeting with DV ex in the room

[Dogstar78]

Hi everyone. I wonder if you can help. I can't discuss this with close family and friends as they will get upset as they all think I am feeling better in myself after leaving an emotionally and sexually abusive partner five years ago. I am going through a diagnosis of high functioning autism and ADHD for my 7 year old. In the meantime there has been a string of exclusions and meltdowns that I have dealt with. This results in many meetings about my son. Up to now I have dealt with all of this myself as in the past when my ex is involved the meetings are derailed and before I moved county the CAMHS service threatened to discharge my son from the service because of my ex refusing to attend parenting sessions/ take my son to appointments when they (rarely) fell in his time with him. Other professionals were concerned about his controlling nature in meetings and basically it was a bloody nightmare. Hence, my decision to leave him out of the equation. I am now making really good progress with CAMHS and other healthcare professionals.

After my son has now been excluded again today I told my ex to take him as I really needed to work (as he pays nothing towards our son). Now he is feeling the pain of dealing with the exclusions he has decided to get in touch with the school and be present for the next review meeting.

My question is that am already feeling panicky about being in the same room as him for the meeting and I feel it could be derailed again and all my hard work to get things moving in the right direction will be thwarted. I used to have panic attacks and feel like I was going to pass out when I used to have to sit in the same room as him. When I have to be in the room with him I go from being articulate, confident and in control to staring like a dazed lemon unable to speak. I can't stop him from going and I would not want to not be there. I have had counselling previously but it wasn't massively helpful. I wondered if I should go to the GP and ask for help. Should I take an advocate to the meeting? I just feel bad dragging people into it, e.g family and friends as they obviously can't stand the sight of him and I don't want them to see me get in a state. My partner is very supportive but I know he hates the thought that 5 years on he is still getting in my head and making me feel this way.

Any help or advice would be gratefully received.

I’m sorry I can’t write more (screaming small child to deal with) but don’t feel bad, take someone with you for support to act as a buffer between you and him, don’t look at him or directly reply to what he says, you’re there to talk about your son and his needs/situation. Stay calm and arrive and leave with the person you take so that he can’t talk to you.

Sorry you are in that situation.

Personally, I would call social services for advice and then speak to your school safeguarding leader. Schools are very hot on safeguarding and they'll have seen it all before.

Regain your control by knowing you have professionals on your side working for your child.

(And ignore thr inevitable comment 'but why doesn't he pay CM?' question)

How vital is it that you are there? Presumably you are in contact with the professionals regularly and unless you think major decisions could be made then could you ask someone else to represent you? Definitely ask for them to place him away from you.

Speak to someone at the school. They may not be aware of your full history with the ex. If he causes problems during the meeting or if you need to leave early or not attend they will know that it's not just you not being interested but because of him. They will have a heads up if he starts detailing things too.

I worry about what he will say without me present. Although obviously all the professionals have the measure of me and there are copious reports about my ex. I do want to show that I am standing up to him and he doesn't scare me (but he still does). It is bizarre the rising panic and dizziness is involuntary despite me trying really hard not for it to happen. I have worked really hard to pull all this together for my son and these meetings for the EHC plan review are really critical. It has certainly crossed my mind not to attend.

Are the school aware of the situation? If so arrange a catch up meeting for him to attend alone then arrange for you to attend the full review without him present. This should be do-able in the circumstances. If not definitely take someone with you. Adjourn it if you need a break.

Sorry that didn’t post when I wrote it.

You don’t need to prove anything to anybody and you won’t be able to bluff it.

I had a meeting with CAMHS this morning. I put forward your suggestions (obvs passed them off as my own, sorry). She said the best thing would to be to say I don't feel safe and he has a pre-meeting to put his viewpoint across and one after as a follow up. So almost a perfect mix of of all your suggestions. I am considering asking the Head of the Behaviour Support unit that my son attended in my previous county to drop an email to back me up as she was constantly shocked at his behaviour, in general, but particularly in meetings. CAMHS psychologist said I needed to say my piece and not feel silenced by my ex.

Brilliant - well done

Thanks. School have also agreed to this too.

Glad they listened to you OP. Hope the meeting goes well.