Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Friend keeps sleeping over without asking

23 replies

Shauna44 · 26/06/2018 18:30

Me and my husband of 11 years having be arguing about a relationship I find inappropriate. We were planning on making up today but unfortunately not happening. We have a friend of 10 years who lives far but works locally. Every time she does an early shift she just stays over. She doesn't ask anymoreshe justs turns up. It really puts me off sex knowing she's next door. I was really looking forward to trying to rekindling our marriage after three days of blazing rows.I have told another friend about how it's annoying but I can't tell my friend as I don't want to make her upset. It's really difficult to get in the mood with my mental health, work and kids so when I am and she just turns up two or three times a week with little notice or unannounced it drives me mad. She is a lovely person always helping us but she doesn't seem to know boundaries.

OP posts:

sundaynamechange1 · 26/06/2018 18:33

shauna text her and say ‘ we have to put a stop to the stay overs. Really sorry but we can’t do it any more as it’s not working for us*

Jeez some people take the piss if you let turn

SmartyPants0 · 26/06/2018 18:38

Yes definitely as SNC1 says...
Does she have a key to get in?

NotANaturalBlonde · 26/06/2018 18:49

"Hi friend, to warn you me and my husband have put aside spending a bit of time together to rekindle things so we aren't having people over this week. Just thought I'd let you know. See you soon".

If she still turns up just don't answer the locked door. Or if you're feeling really brave answer it and say sorry but it's really not a very good time".

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2018 18:53

So how did this start? Did she just turn up one day with a carry bag?? She's clearly got the impression she's welcome so I wonder what was said at the start?

How do you know she'll come tonight if she doesn't give you warning?

spudlet7 · 26/06/2018 19:04

Two or three times a week?! She must be oblivious if she thinks this is ok!

Original poster

Shauna44 · 26/06/2018 19:08

She asked once and then asked again and then just sort of kept going. I mentioned in the post little notice or unannounced. She messaged about 30mins ago saying she's on her way.

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 26/06/2018 19:10

Haven't you got friends staying over tonight?!!!

MoveOnTheCards · 26/06/2018 19:13

Is she your friend or your DH’s friend first?

You really need to be direct with her, if she’s a faniliar enough friend to happily stay with you so frequently then surely she’d understand.

InNeedOfALieInNow · 26/06/2018 19:13

I’d text back saying “see you soon. From next week we can only accommodate you once a week so can we agree which night is best for us all?”

cloudtree · 26/06/2018 19:16

You need to call her now and tell her that unfortunately it isn't convenient for her to stay tonight. You will be in touch in a couple of weeks to arrange to see her for a catch up.

ijustwannadance · 26/06/2018 19:19

Ffs just bloody tell her!!

Foodylicious · 26/06/2018 19:22

Just speak to this eve, or before she leaves for work in the morning, and say that you like/loving seeing her but you and your DH need more time just the two of you.

I would suggest that you say once a fortnight/month might be ok.

Inviting people round is one thing.
Feeling like you have to play 'host' 2-3 times a week is something else and hard work. You both (you and DH) need to be able to relax and just talk about whatever you need to without being on best behaviour.

ApolloandDaphne · 26/06/2018 19:26

She is a CF no doubt. You need to set some boundaries and be clear about them. Can you tell her that her continued presence is having a negative effect on your relationship with your adH and she just cannot stay any more?

Sprinklesplease · 26/06/2018 19:26

People like this rely on you not being able to say no.

Was this the inappropriate relationship you argued about?

Redglitter · 26/06/2018 19:29

I'd text her back and say sorry tonight doesn't suit. Don't want you having a wasted journey.

You need to learn to say no or this arrangement will go on for ever

LML83 · 26/06/2018 19:31

If she is close enough to stay 2-3 times a week, you can have an honest conversation with her. Just talk to her. It's hard but it's the only way to resolve it.
Good luck.

Original poster

Shauna44 · 26/06/2018 19:32

That's my problem saying no. I'm having a lot of counselling to help me not feel so guilty but can't seem to put it into practice. No it was the inappropriate relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shauna44 · 26/06/2018 19:34

It was not the inappropriate relationship. That I posted on netmums but not sure if I over reacted about that.

OP posts:

LML83 · 26/06/2018 19:55

It is hard making changes, but I think you will feel better. Your feelings and your husbands feelings are important too.

What is the alternative? Live the next few years like this?

Maelstrop · 26/06/2018 20:24

Is your dh happy with the situation? If he is more assertive, get h8m to tell her. Definitely tell her tonight that she can’t stay anymore.

MoveOnTheCards · 27/06/2018 21:36

Did you say anything to her Shauna?

RebootYourEngine · 27/06/2018 21:44

I just wouldn't answer the door if you aren't brave enough to say something tonight. If she mentions if say that you and dh were having a night together.

Original poster

Shauna44 · 27/06/2018 22:03

Not yet but I'm planning to use your suggestions.

OP posts:

Flip