WWYD / AIBU - be honest or let it go?

[IrnBruAndTwiglets]

Hi ,

This is my first post on MN, I want honest opinions but please go easy on me, after being a long time lurker I feel a bit safer on WWYD than AIBU!

Nearly a year ago I lost my DM to cancer. It's something I'm finding hard to come to terms with but she was the most incredibly strong, positive person and I'm trying to emulate her as best I can.

DM had a long term partner (let's call him John) they met after my parents divorced. The first few years after John became a part of DM's life were tricky in that I felt really sorry for/loyal to my DF in the aftermath of the breakup and as a shy teenager I struggled to feel comfortable with John being around so much, I felt like I didn't really get time with DM because he invited himself to everything. John had been on his own for a while and from different comments made it felt like he'd found a 'ready made family', and maybe because I had both parents and siblings, I already had my family and it made me uncomfortable.

As time went on I made a real effort to be more polite and laugh at his bad jokes because DM wanted us to get along. For years it's felt like a performance but I did it for her. I guess it has backfired in that he believes we have a close relationship now.

Since I lost my DM, John has been vocal to me and DM's friends about how much I mean to him. I made a promise to DM that I wouldn't lose touch with him because she worried about him being lonely and I feel so conscious of keeping it but over the last year the most I can cope with has been three visits at my house. At the end of the visits, we would hug and he looks intently into my eyes and says 'I love you' and stands looking at me waiting for me to say it back. I feel my stomach knot because I can't say it back and end up awkwardly saying 'I'll see you soon'. I know emotions run high but it just feels too much for me, especially the waiting for me to say it back, it's like putting me on the spot.

As not to drip feed, in the past he has suffered from depression and I worry about upsetting him and affecting his mental health.

So my WWYD/AIBU - I want to let him know gently that while I can hug (in total honestly I would rather not but I would feel like a cow), I don't want to say 'I love you' and I don't want him to say it to me. But any variation I've ran through in my head makes me cringe and I can't imagine saying it out loud as he's grieving too. He also says it a lot through whatsapp but I feel it would be unkind to say something through a message.

Is there a polite and considerate way to say it or should I just let it go? I'm torn between being honest about how I feel and avoiding facing it to avoid hurting him/actually having to say it.

I'm sorry this was so long! I would just really value some impartial, outside opinions and any advice would be much appreciated

How old is he? Is this likely to go on for another twenty years? Sorry to be blunt. If he's delicate and elderly, then I'd be kind....in memory of your Mum.

If he's 60 and hale and hearty....well. I'd let go....

God, this is complicated. Sorry for the loss of your mum.

I know that if this was me, I'd shut up and carry on, for 4 main reasons:

1. I'm a coward.
2. I'd know I was still messy (a year after my mum's death, the grief would still be raw), and not in any place to deal with the emotional fall out of saying anything.
3. Knowing i was messy, I'd be concerned that my decisions were based in grief. Displacement, reinterpreting the past in a negative light because I feel negative, that kind of stuff. I wouldn't want to do anything that I'd regret later, or that mum would would be upset about.
4. I'd hope that the situation would resolve itself in time. I'd become more resilient and able to cope with this, and, hopefully, for his sake, he'll find someone new and move on a bit. At least some emotional distance would occur naturally.

Tbh, he'd be a pretty shitty person if he'd just dumped you after all these years. It sounds as if he wants to support and reassure you. He feels he's been 'like a dad' to you, for a long time, and he'ss trying to be 'there for you', as he feels this is what your mum would have wanted. While this is irritating you because you already have a dad, these could be all those teenager feelings bursting up again, because you miss your mum. You describe feeling that he was taking time with your mum away from you and inserting himself into your family when you were a kid, and this current situation, with your mum gone, might be bringing all that back?

I'd be inclined to hang on and let it all play out. But that's me, obviously!

Thanks a million for replying. I'm running out to a BBQ in case you think I've disappeared, but I will be back in a few hours to reply properly.

Sorry for your loss.

My thoughts are you may feel awkward but he might be heart broken.

I'd just suck it up, let him say it and just smile or say "you mean a lot to us too" it's a white lie but it won't hurt you and you can go on with your happy family life while he goes home alone.

Well as this is WWYD that's what I'll answer - I'd say it back with a light smile or laugh - 'aww love you too' and then wave him good bye for another couple of months!

I lost my dad and I definitely play up my relationship with my now step dad in order to make her feel comfortable, I hope I'd do so after her death too, for both their sakes. It's just words really.

Obviously if it's too upsetting for you then don't say it back and maybe just see him for a quick coffee on neutral ground where you can rush off for an appointment etc, but I don't see who can benefit from a painful picking apart of your actual feelings.

Sorry for your loss, my Mum died just over 2 years ago, so I can sympathise.
I think both you and John are still working out the new dynamic of your own relationship without your Mum being around and from what you say I suspect John is more attached to you than vice versa.
It will probably change over time, it is still early days. But, it would be easy for you to fall into appeasing John out of kindness, which is fine, unless it makes you uncomfortable.

Am I the only one who gets creepy undertones from his behaviour? It doesn't sit right with me but maybe I'm just being suspicious. I would slowly try to distance myself from him if I were you OP.

You clearly have lots of unresolved feelings made worse by your mum now being gone... however John sounds like a lovely man who really cares about you. Even if he doesnt show it how you want or it's unwanted. He obviously misses your mum and being close to you helps with that. He's lost a long term partner so is grieving too.
We can't have too many people who care about us in our lives. You need to find a place where he fits in my opinion. You dont know when you might need him either!
I don't think telling him you don't love him is necessary. A white lie does not hurt.

Thanks for all your condolences, you're really kind.

He's late forties, you're right if he was elderly there's no way I would even consider it.

Your points are all really valid and it's what's stopped me from saying something; he's hurting, it's not been a huge amount of time, I'm a link to mum and he's lost a huge amount already. Without being cheesy I try to be a good person and I don't like the thought of knowingly upsetting him. I'm conscious too that when they met he could have easily not bothered with me but he did make an effort to forge a relationship.

Stinkywink - my DSis's DP said a few years ago 'he fancies you' and I laughed because the thought was so ridiculous. There have been a few occasions were he has made me uncomfortable like over the years if I have dressed up for a night out when I was living with DM he would really lay on the compliments with emphasis on my figure and the fit of the dress or whatever I had on. I would just laugh because I struggle with compliments in general but the tone and not letting it go with one or two comments but keeping going always made me a bit stop it. Please don't read that as I think I'm gorgeous, I'm short and squidgy! And a couple of weeks after meeting him, he told me he'd done lots of drugs when he was a teenager, and if I wanted to he wouldn't tell my DM. If you could see me, especially as a teenager, your brain just wouldn't think drugs, I was surprised. But I don't want to turn this into a John bashing thing, he's not a bad person just a bit unusual.

I feel like DM was our link, John and I are a bit different but I feel I owe it to her to keep something going with him. I think perhaps 'you mean a lot to me' as suggested might be easier for me than 'I love you too'.

you've paid your 'dues' to your mum by faking a good relationship with her dp for her sake whilst she was alive.
it wasn't fair of her to ask this 'favour' as this man is not your responsibility, not related by blood or marriage-and not someone you genuinely like.

he sounds rather creepy and pervy judging by his actions and how he's making you feel.
do you seriously want to keep playing this game for god knows how many more years?

nobody cared/listened to how you really felt about him, you felt obliged to people-please...... you don't have to do that anymore

he's old enough to take care of his own needs and young enough to move on in life/meet a new partner.
you need to be consistent with your boundaries to enable him to move on.
i'd be cutting physical meetings and sticking to txt/email contact only - slowly reducing that to nothing as well.
it's been a year and you've given enough, now you need to put your feelings and future first

Everything that @HeebieJeebies456 said. John is a highly manipulative individual. You may have promised your Mum, but she's gone and you need to think more of yourself. All of your senses are shouting at you and you have been trying to ignore them. It's time to listen.

I'm shocked how many replies are telling you to ignore your feelings of discomfort and abandon your boundaries for this man.

Things that come into the category of being kind to the recently bereaved:
Spending some time with them
Sharing memories of the departed
Helpful household stuff that the bereaved person may not feel they have the energy to tackle.

Things that go way beyond kind and into NO NO THAT IS TOO MUCH:
Allowing hugs and physical contact beyond what is comfortable.
Allowing the bereaved to form an inappropriate emotional attachment to you when it has no chance of being reciprocated.

I think you need to be much more honest - albeit with as much kindness as you can muster. Something like:
"John you will always mean a lot to me and I hope we can always be in touch as we were both so close to mum and talking together about her will help both of us in our grief. But please, I really don't want to hurt you but I need you to back off a little. We are not family to one another and although I appreciate time with you like I appreciate time with other friends of mum, you seem to want more than I am able to give. I hope you understand."

He sounds a bit creepy to me! I would keep him at arms length, and avoid the hugs. Sorry, and I hope I'm wrong, but I think he's making a play for you.

You also have the option just to walk away. You owe him nothing.

Gosh given your updates I would definitely go with a detach, maybe along the lines of what @Imchlibob said.

I've always been a very passive person and although I've gained in confidence in my twenties, I'm not always the most assertive when it comes to me. On the way back from the BBQ I tried to explain to DP how I feel, it's almost like when he's looking at me and waiting after saying it I feel pressured, almost like he's forcing me to say it back.

I adored my DM and I completely understand her worrying about him being lonely, yet I do wish she hadn't asked. I think I'd feel a little less guilty.

The visits have been fine, I would be happy to continue on a every-few-months basis but would feel so much more comfortable if I could relax at the point of goodbye without tensing up knowing he's going to say it again. My DP did say today, is it really hurting you and he's right, it's not. Maybe I'm just nit-picking.

No, don’t blur your comfort levels or boundaries because you feel pressured. No! No! No! You should not be made to feel pressured. In the past I’ve offered a hand shake instead of a kiss on the cheek from a horrible guy that was in my social circle, yes it was socially awkward and I glared at him too, but he didn’t try and kiss my cheek ever again. And tiny amount of embarrassment is ok while you establish boundaries. Honestly don’t hug him if it revolts you or makes you squirm. Just no!

Your mum asked you not to lose touch, so that's all you need to do either by visits, texts or emails. I can sympathise. I have a step-father who means nothing to me. I wouldn't mind if I never saw him again, but for the sake of my mum I've always acted very friendly towards him. They come to ours for all big family occasions inc Christmas, and I ALWAYS end up sat next to him because I don't want to inflict him on anyone else (nobody likes him). He thinks I really like him when in reality he ruins all of our family occasions. He's a user, a bully and a know all. He's selfish and has never done anything for anyone else. He's a fair bit younger than my mum and her health is declining rapidly. He's now pulling out all the stops to be nice to me and DH, inviting us for meals out etc (a new development after 25 years) and I know this is because he will have no one when my mum passes so he wants to set up his support network. Once mum goes I will never see him again, unless mum asks me to keep in touch, but then I don't think she likes him much either.

I have to say that your step-father's interest in you sounds rather more than paternal, so I would advise keeping him at arm's length. Your description of living with him made for uncomfortable reading. Reduce contact, and when he says 'I love you' just say 'look after yourself, mum loved you so much'.

Let it drift to twice a year or less and a christmas card.

I agree with the posters saying that you have no obligation to this man and if I were you I would stop worrying about hurting his feelings and put yourself first for a change by cooling off contact with him.

Absolutely do not say ‘I love you’ or even ‘you mean a lot to me’ if you don’t want to. He is being totally unreasonable and playing on your good nature - surely he must realise it’s making you feel uncomfortable.

I think maybe some of the earlier replies were imagining a white haired old man in his 60s. He sounds more like a pervy middle aged creep!

My spidey senses are tingling - please don’t say it back to him. I think he’d see it as a green light. You could say that you’d prefer it if he didn’t say it to you as it makes you uncomfortable. If he takes offence so be it. Your mum wouldn’t have wanted you to feel as you do, or worse. I’d also say make sure you have someone with you when you’re with him.

Tell him that you can't see him for a while because he reminds you of your mum and that's too hard at the minute.

You don't have to spend time with anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Ultimately he might enter another relationship and you may drift apart.

^ this is an excellent suggestion!

Or only see him at family gatherings including your sister and her partner, who is already suspicious of him, and just avoid any intense relationship with him. Ask your sister and any other siblings to share an appropriate level of bereavement support for him. Maybe also invite other-parents-in-law so people of his 'generation' can chat to him appropriately. He is extended family but not someone you have to have a close relationship with.

Reduce the visits. Don’t allow the physical encroachment. He’s pushing your boundaries and you don’t have to let him. If you decide to see him, ensure your DP is with you.