This is a bit long and complicated, so I'll try and keep it short. Basically mum - bad arthritis, takes no medication, has been housebound for years. Dad - 15 years older, getting exponentially more decrepit and emotionally unstable, forgetting things, etc. Their relationship is terrible - they barely talk to one another, he shouts at her, she moans at him, it's horrible for both of them. They moan to me, I suggest things and offer to help etc, they ignore me, it goes on and on.
Recently mum has been unable to use stairlift to go upstairs so is in bed downstairs. There is a toilet downstairs but no shower/bath. She wees into a jug (!) and pretty much is stuck in bed all day. She says she is looking into getting a carer in (but not to tell Dad). Dad says he is also looking into carers, but for some reason has had no luck (oh and 'don't tell your mother'). Mum needs lots of help getting food, tidying up etc. Dad thinks that she should get help for her arthritis and does everything under duress. I'm not sure if she's getting enough food from him? Meantime the house is getting dirtier and dirtier. I haven't visited for a while (very bad I know) because they put me off, and because it is v. tricky at the moment with the kids (ASD daughter very unsettled right now) but I'm planning to go soon.
Meantime, what can I do? I phoned social services but they need either mum or dad to arrange a referral. I wondered if I could report my mum as a vulnerable person? The thing is, I don't want to dob my dad in. He IS abusive to her but that's because he's 87 and -well - losing it a bit. mumsnet WWYD? Any advice appreciated.