Delicate situation, help gratefully recieved.

[Mrscrazybuthappy]

Hi all.
I'm new to this but have a dilemma I really need help with. Essentially, I would like to know how one would approach the subject of "stranger danger" with a 5 year old, when a particular person known to the family may be the danger and is not strictly speaking a stranger. I'm happy to give more info but didn't want to bamboozle people straight off.

If there was someone who I knew could be a danger to my child, my child wouldn't be going near them.

If someone in the family is a danger why not keep your child away from them? Stuff what others think. Or did I read that wrong.

My Mum didn't really "discuss " much with me but she always said "never get into a car with anyone who isn't me driving unless I have agreed ". She said "I mean that even about [named person]." And left it at that. This was the 70s. No idea to this day whether she had additional info about this person.

Can you give more info?

We teach kids about 'stranger danger' because we can't protect them all the time. If there's a known risk, you keep them away surely?

Can you elaborate on who the stranger is?

Keep the person away from your child. What makes you think they’re a danger?

Have you seen the NSPCC "pants" campaign. It's very good and child friendly. That's mostly dealing with potential sexual abuse, which isn't what you have specifically said but it does have some good messages about when it's ok to say no and telling adults they trust if something is worrying them. I think that's the two key massages you want, that could be applied to different situations.

Stranger danger doesn't tend to be taught any more as sadly it's usually someone known to a child who poses a risk

Perhaps look up the PANTS campaign (think it is NSPCC?). But agree with others, I’d be keeping DC away from anyone who might be a danger.

safelyeverafter.com/tips.html

We talk about ‘tricky people’ with my 5yo DD, maybe that concept will help?

How about teaching about no one has the right to touch you ( anywhere) without you permission, no secrets from both parents ( we allow from one for birthday presents) but also stop them being alone with that person

I have conversations little and often with mine - at random times, interspersed with ‘what if’ and ‘what would you do if’ questions. Reinforcing that what’s beneath anyone’s underpants is private and that they must never go off with anyone.

Having said that - if I knew in advance that someone was not to be trusted, there is no way in hell my DC would be in the same area as them, even if I were present. Grooming only takes a second to start.

I have told DC that even if someone says they will hurt me or DC, they must still tell me.
Also they need to know that someone may say "dont tell your mum, because they wont believe you"

I wouldn't let them near DC if I were you.

OP, I recently listened to a podcast on this very issue.

Listen here: www.atomicmoms.com/2018/03/27/how-to-protect-our-children-from-sexual-abuse-live-in-l-a-pattie-fitzgerald-safety-expert/

Lots of specific advice

Don’t teach stranger danger talk tricky people instead.
Do a search for tricky people and lots of info comes up.
Another vote for NSPCC pants campaigne.
Also talking about how no adult should ask a child to keep a secret from their parents.
That you will never be angry or ashamed of them for talking to you about anything.

Give them some ‘what would you do if’ type talks.

I agree with not using stranger danger as that can confuse children about who to talk to to, for example a teacher or police etc could be classed as strangers or going into a shop to ask for help could be seen as danger. I think it should just be teaching them what to do in certain situations and that no-one should make them feel uncomfortable etc.

Thank you all so much for your advice. To elaborate, the person in question is our next door neighbour's son. We need to be delicate as both parents and the elder sibling have ASD's with varying severity, I can't help but wonder if his behaviour may be due to an undiagnosed condition, and I'm being judgemental, or if it would have been picked up already if that was the case? DD has been brought up to treat everyone equally and she just see's a boy that wants to be her friend (albeit a young teen), it's just I don't know how to address this without letting on I am talking about someone specific. At the moment she doesn't play outside unless we go to the park and she is never left alone so there's no issue of her going off with him. Now I just sound crazy.

DS has just done the Kidsafe course at school (he's 5 and in Y1). They learn about 'tricky' grown ups, 'yucky' feelings and how to talk to trusted adults. I'm sure there's info about the scheme online that you could read to inform your discussions with your DD.

Also the PANTS campaign by the NSPCC is an excellent way for your DD to understand the issue more.

What is it about his behaviour that worries you?

I am not sure if it helps in this situation but I have told DD

• that she doesn't go anywhere with anyone unless I have already agreed it with her, not even friends or parents of friends
• that adults never need to ask children for help or to keep secrets (I think that this was from MN...) which you could adapt. So basically if an adult needs help looking for a puppy that is not right etc.

The thing that I have found helpful with my DD is also to make sure she knows that she can talk to me and if she ever does share anything (bullying, feeling uncomfortable with someone) - that I listen and believe her, and she seems me doing something about it.

i think the pants campaign covers this.
there is also no harm at all in being very tenacious in putting your child above the feelings of others.
i had a v diff situation with a friend of dd2. her father was an alcholic (wandering the streets with special brew). i wouldnt let dd sleepover at their home. in the end due to both parents constantly asking i was put in a corner where i said why she wouldnt stay. it went against everything i had done but it had to be said.

and i would also say you dont sound crazy at all. always listen to your instincts as a mother and woman.

The bottom line of this is there's a young teen boy wanting to play with a 5 year old girl.

No. Absolutely not. Not in any circumstances.