Nothing's working, where to start? [Long long long]

[suitcasecoveredincathair]

So my life feels like a bit of a mess at the moment. No real problems, but lots of things getting me down.

Relationship not great, have had sex once since DC2 was conceived (6 years ago). Two DCs aged 6 and 8 who are wonderful.

I work full time. DH doesn't work outside the home and hardly works inside it. House always a mess because I work long hours and am knackered. Always stuff lying around everywhere, hoovering not done etc. DH hasn't been in paid employment for years and seems to have no intention of doing so, although this was never discussed/agreed. When I bring it up he just says he doesn't know what to do and it's not nice for him either

I'm very stressed with work which can be high-pressure, emails at all hours sort of thing. We do ok financially but it's not easy on only one fairly small income which is reasonably unpredictable.

DH showers once or twice a week (not envy), blames it on his psoriasis.

DH's good points: supportive (if you ignore the fact that he lets me work myself to the bone and give up all my personal dreams for the family , cooks dinner every night (not very nice dinner but I always thank him nonetheless), very involved father, we're completely on the same line in terms of parenting and treat each other with respect (again, if you ignore the lack of communication bit and the fact that he seems to take my financial support for granted), looks after me in little ways (cups of tea, telling me to go up to bed if I'm really tired while he sorts everything with the children, that sort of thing).

But I feel so stressed, so trapped, and I don't find him at all sexy with his complete lack of responsibility for his own life, slobby ways etc.

What to do? I want someone with whom I can live and grow, someone who'll take the initiative from time to time. He just seems so happy in his rut, with no friends, no driving license for example, no interest in organising anything (I always push for and book holidays etc).

What would you do?

What to do? I want someone with whom I can live and grow, someone who'll take the initiative from time to time. If you stay with him, will he give you what you want? If you don't stay with him, will you have the chance to meet someone who could give you what you want?

I don’t think he’ll give me what I want.

TBH though I don’t think we can afford to split up. I can’t afford to run two households on one income, and there’s a housing shortage in our city anyway. Given that I work and he doesn’t, I suppose I’d be expected to move out and I have nowhere to go and no money to live off, it all goes on supporting out family as it is.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy, he acts like it’s so normal for him to not know what he wants to do with his life and seems to think I should feel sorry for him

And I’m just feeling sorry for myself now bit I’ve given up hope of ever having a partner who wants to learn and grow with me.

We were at BIL’s today and I heard him and SIL discussing potential house plans for the future: garden, kitchen, where they’d like to live. DH would never talk about anything like that with me, because he just doesn’t give a shit.

That sounds pretty grim. Do you have a sense of why he's so passive? Lack of confidence? Expectation that you are there to run his live for him?

Have you discussed with him that the relationship is not really working for you?

Thanks for replying to my self-pitying post

I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve tried to address it with him a number of times but it always ends in an argument. In fact we’ve just had an argument on the way home from BIL’s when I idly asked him if he’d ever thought of getting his license.

No, because of the environment, cars are used far too often, etc etc.

I pointed out that having a licence doesn’t mean driving a car everywhere (or even owning one), just that you have the ability to drive if it’s ever needed.

No, he’s never thought it necessary, except if he wanted to transport something big.

No mention of family holidays or anything, or basically of anyone else except himself (oh and he hates cars but seems to be happy for FIL to give us lifts or for me to pay for taxis )

It was just an idle question but it really sparked off this whole feeling of loneliness and responsibility again. Everything always rests on me. It sounds trivial but I’m the one who defrosted the fucking freezer yesterday despite him being at home all day every day. Either I do it, or it doesn’t get done.

Stop being afraid of the arguments every time you mention him getting a job, or getting a driving license or cleaning the house.
You need to have one almighty row and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are sick of him not working and basically him getting a job or not is a deal breaker and you are ready to break up the marriage unless he does.
Do not back down. Repeat and repeat until he gets a job or leaves!
Imo preferably leaves!

I think you’re right.

The use of the word ‘passive’ above was really helpful and gave me something to Google. I came across an old MN thread that really struck a chord, especially where the OP said that the thought of couples’ counselling didn’t appeal as she knew she’d have to sort it all herself - touche! And in my case budget and pay for it too!

DH said today that he felt attacked. Poor diddums (I didn’t say that to him obvs).

I’m just so low on energy from it all. I feel so lonely and trapped. I wouldn’t swap my DCs for anything in the world, but being forced to give up all my hopes and dreams due to the laziness of another capable adult really is eating away at my soul.

Is he depressed. When did he work last op?

I’ve asked him that in the past in the course of discussions but he says he doesn’t think he is.
He was last in paid employment in, I believe, 2013.

Agree he needs to realise how high the stakes are here.

What does he DO at home all day?

Thanks so much for listening. I’ve been sitting here crying because I don’t feel like this can be fixed. My friend gave me the details of a highly recommended relationship counsellor but I’ve come to realise that it’s hopeless because I’m just not open to hearing his point of view on this. I’m not responsible for his being unemployed and unengaged with me. I generally get the blame for always being tired and uncommunicative which is absolutely true, because I’m fucking exhausted after a day at work and haven’t got anything left.

I think he does hobbies at home. A lot of research. He updates fucking Wikipedia on his niche interest! God I’ve made myself cry again.

We look like such a happy family from the outside, always together and with our children, but I’m dying inside.

It's absolutely disgusting that he is letting you work like a dog and he's been sitting at home for 5 years, 5 years!!!!!!!
Doing sweet fa! Playing on Wikipedia!
The lazy, fucking, bastard!

Your marriage is over. You know this. Your problem is that he bums around at home so it looks like he is the primary care giver even though he isn't therefore you expect him to get the house and children while you lose both and have to fund him.

Your big thing here is that he is not actually the primary carer. Get yourself to a shit hot lawyer asap. Find out what you have to do to prove he is not the primary carer, you are, despite the work situation.

Keep things quiet at home as you start to get your ducks in a row. Maybe you will be keeping a diary of yours vs his childcare. Maybe you will be sending the children to a childminder after school to free him up to work, etc. Whatever the solicitor says you need to do to make your case.

It isn't hopeless, you've just got to deal with the reality that it is over and you've got some work to do to protect yourself and the children.

What would you do?

Leave.

Start a new life for myself.

You say he cooks dinner. Does he clean the house? Maintain the garden? Refresh the decorating? Who turns up to school in an emergency, or stays home with a sick child?

You say that your work is stressful and highly pressured, yet brings in a fairly small and unpredictable income. Have you thought about changing job?

(Just playing devil's advocate!)

Maybe you will be sending the children to a childminder after school to free him up to work, etc.

They already go to one two days a week

(It was either grin or cry!)

I appreciate the reality check, I really do. This is painful but obviously friends don’t want to badmouth my husband or suggest that I leave (we all know what often happens in that situation, the friend gets dumped instead!)

The only thing is that I really do want to keep it amicable. I can’t see myself lawyering up. And if he did he’d need to borrow money from his parents. I could be very wrong, but I’m pretty sure they’d call us both in to find out WTF was going on before they’d ever encourage us to take each other to court.

I’ve been looking at apartments but I think I would definitely need to move at LEAST an hour away, and even then I don’t know if I could afford it. And I wouldn’t be able to take my cats, or have room for the DCs to come and stay.

Fucking hell, how fucking dare he put me in a position where he does fuck all and I can’t afford to leave! I think he’s practically unemployable right now.

The sad thing is that if he even kept the house clean I’d probably be quite happy. But the mess! The dirt!

At least I’ve realised that counselling is hopeless though. It takes the pressure off. There’s no middle to meet in.

@eggysmom good questions.

No garden, I maintain the balcony plants (haha). Maintenance extremely delayed or not done, eg I bought a curtain rail and it was hung after about 3 months and two big fights.

In emergency or sickness he almost always goes - well if I’ve got work and he’s doing SFA then it doesn’t really make sense otherwise! We both do dropoffs, I occasionally do pickups (3 times a week, sometimes more) again because why rush around when he’s doing nothing?

He has recently started ironing after the last big argument. But not that well, the kids frequently have no clean clothes.

Re: my job, well, I fell into it as a way of earning money to support us! If I retrain, we will starve and be evicted. Besides, a lot of the stress comes from being the sole provider. I say that we don’t have a lot of money, but obvs it’s enough to support 4 people + pets in an expensive city, so not too bad! And above all, being self-employed gives me flexibility so I never have to miss school excursions, performances etc.

Excellent questions though. But believe me, if he actually did stuff around the house, we wouldn’t have this problem. It’s the mess and chaos that hurts.

Getting advice from a lawyer is not an aggressive move. It does not preclude mediation later. It does not mean it can't be amicable.

All it means is that you know exactly where you stand legally and you know how to improve your situation should you wish to do so.

You buy a couple of hours of advice. That's all.

You’re right, thank you. I shouldn’t just be assuming all these things without knowing the facts.

Hi op. I still think he sounds depressed, You know what thats not your responsibility. If your on a low income you may be able to claim benefits and support with childcare via tax credits. You would also be instantly better off financially as you would get a single persons discount on your council tax (no matter what your income is). If you did move out could your partner afford the rent and bills on his own? Would you consider asking him to move out? It would be less change for the kids?

I agree, ask him to move out. Are you married?

Have you tried 'while I'm in work today, could you just run through the list I've left, I've tried to start a few jobs but it would be massively helpful if you could finish X, y, z'.

If he says he doesn't know how, refer him to YouTube, there's every lesson known to man on there, I'm pretty sure it could teach how to defrost a freezer!

No you shouldn't have to beg and remind him to bloody do something in the house.
Ask him to leave, tell him you want to seperate, like above poster said you will be better off financially.
He is a bum, no hope. No wonder you are not interested in him, having to remind him to shower just yuck.
Why should you work yourself to death while he sits on his computer or whatever he does.