Hi,
This is my first time writing a blog about my feelings. It’s the only way I can talk about what my life is about.
I’m grateful for the child I have and I love being a mum however, I did not know i’d lose sleep every night for 2.5years- not a single night off.
I work long hours, I try to spend time with my growing child and I try to be whatever memory my family have of me before I had a child but here’s the truth. I’m a shadow of what I once was and I know everyone can see it. My family are concerned about my tiredness, I have to explain over and over again that I’m still breastfeeding and my child won’t wean no matter what I’ve tried. Bedtime, night feeds and morning nursing are impossible to just stop. I know, I’ve tried.
My life is beautiful from the onlookers view, I have it all. A beautiful toddler, a family that loves me, a respectable job and apparently I’m a mum that looks glamorous. My toddler acts out with me because I spend so much time away, refuses food and goes hungry and I’ve been trying to wean off the night feeds so I can sleep and my child can grow. My family are fed up, feel I’ve neglected the relationships thst mattered leaving me with this deep sadness and I always feel like a failure. My job, well I’m not very good at it, have no enjoyment there so I’m practically mute and have lost my voice in the workplace even if it isn’t the job I did before maternity leave I should be better, my weight is impossible to manage because I can’t gain any and don’t look like I once did.
I might be a shadow now but when things improve and I can sleep I know I’ll be okay. The question is, will it be too late to make amends to everyone that I have failed?
I’m not complaining, I do feel stuck and ready to come undone. All I want is to be happy but I’m sinking in this haze of sleep deprivation and mental fatigue.
Always looking for the light at the end of the tunnel!