Living with your mum. Yay or nay?

[Reddottys]

We’re in a bit of a pickle with childcare as I’m going back to work and we have the option of moving my Mum in to look after the kids full time. It would mean my family of 4 and my mum in a 3 bed house so the kids would have to share a room (one boy, one girl - both under 4).

There are so many pro’s to doing this - too many to list! The main two are that there is no disruption for my kids, they’ll be in their home with someone they are familiar with and love. The other is the financials. We’re going to be so much better off financially even after paying her a salary to look after the kids. Long story but she would have to live here for this to work. There is no alternative option of her living elsewhere.

My concern is whether we’re making a big mistake by adding another person to an already full house. Will it put strain on my relationship with my hubby (they do get on btw). What if we’re having an argument - will that be awkward with his MIL around? What if we all get sick of each other?? I should also mention that my husband has no problem with her living with us, he just also has some doubts about how it would be long term.

Ideally we’ll only do this for a year or two until we can move.

Looking for some advice from those who have done it.
Thanks!

(P.s. We do also have an option to find a childminder although I would prefer my mum. A nanny isn’t an option financially)

Please no nasty comments. Just looking for advice, not judgement :)

Living with mum - definitely a bonus. It makes life easier for everyone. However, living with mum in a small house - not such a great idea.

I live with my parents but we have two kitchens, two bathrooms, and a large enough house that we don't need to spend time with each other.

Is there anyway you can make a granny flat? Turn one of the larger downstairs rooms into a granny flat and have a smaller living room elsewhere? Loft conversion?

If you only need to do it for a year or two, whats happens to your mum then?

I wouldn't do it, but then I love my space, so I would struggle with so many people in the house, no matter how much I love them all

I definitely think that unless you've got three large bedrooms, you're easily going to get on top of each other, and that can be uncomfortable. Will your mum still keep her own house if she lived with you? That might be an option so you can get some space from each other on weekends etc.

You're thinking about childcare, but what about your social lives? If she wants to invite a friend round for a coffee on Tuesday evening, is that okay? Or woukd you not want any guests if you're knackered and been at work all day? If there is only one living space, I would think it's a recipe for disaster. Could your mum rent a flat nearby temporarily?

Where does she live now? Where would she live when her services were no longer required?

The plan would be to move in a year or two and take Mum with us. She’ll most likely live with us long term but obviously the next house would be bigger with hopefully her own space. So it’s not a case of use and abuse - it’s a forever thing. She’s very much loved and adored! It’s a big sacrifice for her to do this so we are very grateful - we’re just all trying to figure out if it would actually work.

She doesn’t own her own home and it wouldn’t work financially for any of us if she lived elsewhere.

Thanks for the replies so far!

Just replied to your question :)

No I wouldn't, as awesome/handy/cheap as it sounds, just no! I think the lack of space/privacy with my dh would drive a permanent wedge between us and my mum and dh are super laid back

My late father lived with us for a few years and it was a win for all of us.

What I would suggest is that you NEED defined date nights with you and DH. Your mother NEEDS a space. I got Sky multi room and the sports package for father. Your mother also needs social interaction independent from you. Father went to a local jazz club and the local church.

Your mother needs to feel she has a stake in the home, we included tacky decorative plates for father, and I also suggest that she does the absolute bare minimum at night as she will need a break.

It can work, but it does put a strain on things.

I guess that as she doesn't own her own place, there is probably a plan for her to move in with you eventually anyway.
So she might as well move in now while she is still fit enough to help with childcare!
I would give her the biggest room. She could have a single bed and an arm chair in there with a telly etc, so she has her own space in the evenings.
What is your downstairs space like?
Do you have more than one bathroom?

I think this depends on your personalities. You all need to be very easy going and able to laugh off any problems. If one of you including DM is a bit set in their ways I don't think it will work as a long term thing in a normal house. I wouldn't do this with my mum although I am very fond of her.
Another thing is if your Dh is very family orientated and sees your DM as part of the family. I think this would make him a lot more tolerant of any little annoyances that crop up from living together.

Only you know the dynamic of your family, and whether it's likely to work or not.

I was in a similar position although my mother didn't live with us. She was paid to look after DC and was at our home all day every day with a key etc whilst my partner and I worked.

We all thought it was the perfect solution for everyone's situation at the time and for about a year it worked really well. We were all close, enjoyed holidays/weekends away together and the Relationship DC have with their GP is priceless.

Then my mother had an argument with my partner over something trivial, things never recovered and ultimately my relationship ended a couple of months later. The aftermath of it all was awful.

Never would I enter into something like this ever again and I would advise anyone thinking of doing so to not mix business with pleasure. It just complicates things and if things don't work out, it will be a nightmare for all of you.

But like I say, your set up is completely different. And only you know the dynamics within your family. If you were to go ahead, make clear boundaries etc as another poster said have an open and honest approach with matters. Discuss them as/when they arise as letting things build up and niggle you could possibly result in things blowing up and getting messy.

I've done it. It was bloody brilliant. We had ups and downs but in the main everyone won. She died (young) earlier this year and we miss her like mad.

We’ve done it.
It’s had it’s awesome moments and very complicated moments.

It’s so much a personality thing.
In your case, I’d totally go for it.
In my case, we’ve stepped back from Mum because she has a way of becoming quite needy and demanding when she’s with us. She has her own home in beautiful Central California, so she has a base (much nicer than ours!).
She’s a lovely person in many ways but hard to deal with all the time.

The pros, in your case, are obvious.

The cons: you will have very little you time.
You’ll be expected to look after Mum on top of DH and kids.
You may become too immersed in each other’s personal space and lives.
You may have difficulty negotiating your way out of a situation that hasn’t worked out.

We took my mother to live with us, though she did no child care. There were teething troubles and we had to work out reasonable boundaries, have time out on our own etc. She adored my husband.
She went out to Tai Chi, coffee mornings etc at first. She tended to retreat to her room after dinner - we gave her the biggest and she furnished it more as a sitting room, with a bed in the corner. We thought she would help with cooking etc but she didn't, though she would wash up pots and pans. She contributed a small amount to the bills.
After the initial adjustment, we all enjoyed living together.
We kept her at home, installed a stairlift when she became frailer, and nursed her in her room, where she died.
If she'd been younger she'd have loved to do some child care, and she did a lot for my sisters, although even in her 60s she couldn't have managed more than one child full-time.
We're very glad we did it and so is my daughter, who doesn't remember a time before Mum came.

rainydays spot on!

OP are any of you stubborn or set in your ways? You will all need to be very easygoing personalities to make it work.

My DH is a very moody person.
My mum is high maintenance.
Me? I’m just a pain in the arse. Full stop.
So for the most part, it has been lovely. But the hard times were definitely hard times, not easy to shrug off. So you have to be honest with yourself about your personalities and the potential for conflict. One conflict can do a lot of damage.

I could do it but my DH would struggle. It totally depends on personalities. We lived with mil for a few months which I enjoyed but again DH was on edge all the time.
I am rather pro children sharing rooms , I certainly don't see that as a negative and I think as far as DC are concerned having a loving DGM doing childcare in their own hoe would be very nice. In fact , if she is reasonably fit, I think child care wise it should be good.
I would be looking to move to more suitable accommodation ie more privacy for adults sooner rather than later.

Just be aware that as the kids grow, they may not want as much to do with her. My mil moved to help with childcare (not mine) and it was lovely for a while until the kids decided they no longer wanted her still treating them like very young children.