Relationship problems

[Wifeincognito]

I’m here because I need advice and I don’t want to ask friends as don’t feel it’s fair on my husband for them to know our issues.

We have a fairly happy marriage. Been together for ten years now, married for about half of that and with one son together plus one from his previous relationship - who I get on well with.

I am outgoing, he is reserved. I’m more of a you either love me or hate me person, whilst he’s generally quite likeable. I’m admittedly a terrible housewife - I run the finances, do the DIY, tidy up the house daily etc - he cooks, is a great dad and a hard worker (albeit not earning much he does work hard). It’s always been a good mix but we are now having an issue which we can’t get past.

We had a child a couple of years ago and I’ve been the one staying home with him - around us full time nurseries are nearly 2k a month so I’ve had to call it a day at work for the time being and stay home with the little one. I’m not a stay home person by nature and really struggled the first year. Previously I was always on the go - had a full time job and in my spare time ran my own business - have always been independent so it was a big change for me.

However I was also the bigger earner between us. At work I’d have a considerably higher salary, I also have a small house (too small for us) I rent out, as well as some savings.

Since we met for one reason or another I ended up paying our rent as it was fairly equal to what I was receiving for my small rental, with each person paying the rest for themselves. Since I’ve been at home however & no longer having a salary I have been eating through my savings at a very high speed. Child goes to childminder two days a week for me to have a break and I cover that as it’s my ‘job’ to be home with him so can’t put that on husband. However I’ve put together our combined costs and our outgoing outweigh our income by a considerable amount every month. As a result I’ve realised the savings that have been helping me out are going to finish much quicker than I’d hoped for.

As a result I’ve asked husband to start paying half of the rent, bills, car and general costs that affect both of us (not my own expenses, just what we share - I’m still happy to cover holidays, childcare and the extras ) however he’s been brushing this under the carpet and getting angry every time I bring this up. He says all I think about is money - which to some degree at the moment is true, but I wouldn’t if I didn’t have the pressure of covering 90+% of expenses for us. I said to him the pot will run out soon and asked him what’s his plan for then - are we going to live on the street? It’s got so bad the more I bring it up the more we end up arguing and we barely speak on a daily basis. If we don’t find a solution I can see us eventually going our separate ways, which of course would be the very last thing I’d hope for. Am I being completely unreasonable asking him to take responsibility for his half our our daily costs? I can manage myself and son but the three of us is too much for me to handle whilst I’m at home. If he couldn’t afford half I’d have been fine with him saying I can’t do half but i can manage X more - any little bit is something, but to just get angry at me and avoid talking about it, seems like a complete lack of understanding. I just need objective advice.

Thanks in advance. A confused wife

What is he doing with all the money he's not spending on bills??

Your married with a child why isn't everything just equal? Whatever each person earns put it all together and have it as both of your money! Your husbands wages should be your money too! Of course he should be contributing not what the hell is he doing with 'his' money?

Had the same situation here. Husband refused to change no matter what i did, wouldnt engage with issue or plan, and it couldnt go on any longer from a financial pov. We divorced. I had to put our child first.

You stopped working yet are still paying for almost everything? I don't understand. How was that ever going to be sustainable? Why didn't he stop working and stay at home with the child if he earns less? What does he spend "his" money on if not the household costs? Why do you spend your savings on childcare for your shared child?

I’m working through this situation (almost exactly) at the moment. It was a real shock to realise my DH was going to dig his heels in, and bury his head in the sand (simultaneously!) when I presented him my concerns and the numbers.

I truly thought we were a team, and would figure out our financial future as two mature adults. Nope. Instead I was faced with a man-child who acted as though I was taking away his lollipop. Not a sniff of teamwork to be seen.

I have had to seperate from him (using our second house), and I’ve found him a counsellor who specialises in the man-children. I’ve also paid for him to sit and hear it from a financial advisor. I’m hoping the light dawns on DH before I’m forced to corral the remaining assets/cash for my kid’s future. I have seen a lawyer on this, it was very helpful. Regardless of what happens, I’ll be making a Will that puts everything in trust for the kid. And making him sign a Binding Financial Agreement. I made sure to tell a few (very few) key people in our lives, so they could talk to him (they offered) and give his head a wobble.

It’s important these DHs feel a bit of awkwardness, and loneliness, and have a hard look at what their lives will look like without this teamwork that we keep banging on about. That’s my view. I’m giving it 3 months (in my head). Then I’ll be forced to pull the plug. I guess it’s a high-stakes game I’m playing, but I’m out of options.

Hope yours sees the light, before he fucks up all your lives.

We've always kept things separate as he had a bad credit when I met him and having a joint account would have ruined mine as a result. I can't risk that as one of us needs to be able to pass any reference / future mortgage etc

I pay the childcare as he sees it as my job since I'm home, so 'why should he pay for it when it's my choice to send our kid for the two days a week' (my main reason for sending him is that I believe all kids need kids around and it's good for him to socialise with kids). I do understand this point and it's not bothered me paying for it.

He pays out for his other son a fixed amount every month, his travel costs to / from work, and he buys the majority of the food for the house. He says he doesn't have anything left over. To his credit although he's been in his job for years, he is on a 0 hour contract, meaning that every time we go away or there is a bank holiday, he gets less than he usually would so the next month he plays catchup with things.

We have spoken about him changing jobs, but he loves his work and without any experience in a different industry or a degree he won't be able to find something else. I am of course happy to go back to work even just when the little one is at childminders, but that doesn't change this problem.

He's brilliant in everything else - at home, as a dad, he isn't afraid to work extra if there is extra hours available, but when it comes to finances he brushes his head under the carpet (which is the same attitude that got him his CCJ in the past). I generally have a wealthier background so he goes on the assumption that I can always get family to bail me out if I struggle - but I don't think that's fair. I shouldn't have to ask family for help when can and should be able to manage on our own. We're mid 30s not 15.

I look at our friends and realise that no marriage is perfect - on the surface they are all happy go larry but everyone has some issues. I have wondered if I should I accept this situation as my compromise or instead push for what I believe in eg shared costs.

It really really annoys me - but if he doesn't at least try to change is it reason enough for us to go our ways? The more I try talk about it the more I've 'ruined his day'...

@Wifeincognito To his credit although he's been in his job for years, he is on a 0 hour contract, meaning that every time we go away or there is a bank holiday, he gets less than he usually would so the next month he plays catchup with things.

We have spoken about him changing jobs, but he loves his work and without any experience in a different industry or a degree he won't be able to find something else. I am of course happy to go back to work even just when the little one is at childminders, but that doesn't change this problem.

Well isn't that just a nice cushy little life for him.
He needs to get a fucking grip.

He's living the life of a bloody teenager, unwilling to step up to the responsibilities of being an adult and a parent.

@Skittlesandbeer yeah it's definitely a similar situation. I have suggested him or we go to counselling. The suggestion hasn't been met well. I have also seen a solicitor (for completely different reasons), but once there discussed opening a trust for our kid so am in the process of getting that going. I can't move into our rental as if you take those funds away too we'd be completely screwed. Plus I have some brilliant tenants that I hope will stay for many years to come.
We don't go out for dinner or do anything together except for those two holidays a year we take. Yesterday he said if I keep on with this topic maybe we should just cancel the upcoming summer holiday - I was gobsmacked but then again it's not like he'd lose out on any funds if we cancelled. Again, it would be just me losing out. He would lose out on a few days of work but that's it. Feel like I'm just banging my head against a brick wall

This sounds crazy, he obviously does not want to put his hands in his pocket and support his family financially. How did you think this situation was ever going to work financially when you gave up work? Sounds as though neither of you are very good with the finances as you knew your savings would run out. People on here have a name for people like your partner I believe it is cock lodger. I could not stay with a person who was like this with money.

@crimsonlake me staying at home was only meant to be temporary - to my own admission I didn't realise how costly childcare actually was, which is what has stopped me from going back to work as I'd pretty much break even after nursery and travel costs. Had I gone back to work I wouldn't be going through savings at this rate -

I didn't have a massive problem with his contributions (or lack of them) pre - baby but then i realised that even though I'm not working and he knows I'm struggling he hasn't tried to come my way in the slightest. Brushes the whole thing off as me 'thinking just about money' and barely talks to me. Since this problem has risen and he's been avoiding confronting it, I am more and more bothered about it.

Your plan was not sustainable in the long run and now your funds are running out. You could stop the childcare, return to work or leave, give notice to your tenants and live there. Perhaps it is time to stop thinking about 'we ' and think about you and your child as he his only thinking about ' me ' himself.

You are currently using childcare two days a week but not working to cover the cost of it which seems odd to me if finances are stretched. Your dc can get all the socialization they need by taking them to playgroups etc etc for very little cost.

But that doesn't alter that there's something seriously screwed with your dp's attitude to finances. You should not be dipping into savings to fund your existence. So something will have to change and he should be coming to the table to discuss it.
Is there any way he can do the sahp bit or go part time and you go back to work - would make sense if you are the higher earner.

Wow wow wow

I can’t believe this man pays for food and expects you to cover everything else!

You know what I think it’s disgusting. What is the benefit of him? A man works to support his family and it looks like you have been paying for this man for a long time and now he is resentful that you are calling him on it

Have you pointed out that if you leave his living costs will shoot up?

How much does he take home? Does he have savings?

@Melliegrantfirstlady I said that to him last night. He said he was happy living on his own in a little studio before he met me and managed fine to cover his costs and if need be at least he wouldn't have me nagging at him about this all the time and therefore would be happier (!!)

He gets about £1300/1400 a month after tax and to cover living costs (including food) his half would be £1000. Travel is £150 a month and his other son also gets around the same so it would literally take his whole salary out. That said like I mentioned above even if he has said he can't do exactly half but maybe 6/7/800 that would still be something I'd be happy with. But no, nothing.

The way you both handle your finances are a real puzzle to me. You gave up work to be a satm, did you not have any conversations about money before you did this?

I can’t believe his attitude. I guess you might have to think long and hard as to whether you call his bluff

Have you decided what your next step will be

You could offer to buy the food and let him pay for everything else

@crimsonlake the rental is on a BTL mortgage meaning we can no longer live in it as would break terms of mortgage - so that's not an option.
I could stop childcare but to her credit she is very cheap compared to traditional nurseries and he enjoys it so much. He's got a strong bond with the other kids. I was an only child and was always lonely, so have made it one of my priorities for him to have friends from an early age. I was the first of all our friends to have a child and whilst a few of them have now also had a little one, it's between 1-2 hours each way to get to them, so not something we can do often.

we didn't really discuss finances pre baby much - yes in hindsight wasn't the correct move but We've always been comfortable so I didn't realise just what a difference having a child would make in terms of costs (costs if he were to go nursery full time etc). Don't get me wrong I have enough to keep us going for another year and more without issues, but I've got to the point that i guess it's been building up over time and now I am angry and frustrated - why should I have to keep doing this on my own ? Why shouldn't he duly pay his half costs, or at least as close as he can get to it? My savings would go a lot further and we'd be covered for any unforeseen rainy day

@Melliegrantfirstlady

'You could offer to buy the food and let him pay for everything else'

Haha made me chuckle, so true though! Needed it :)

I haven't got a plan. Came on here to see whether I was mad in asking him to pay half, now that we've confirmed I'm not, will need to weigh up the options. I will try talk to him again but not keeping hopes up.

Being a SAHM with someone like this as a partner is very unwise, suggest returning to work asap, whatever you decide to do about the relationship.

Why can't you put your DC in full time with the childminder and go back to work? I'm surprised you can't find any care for less than 2k, as there's plenty here, even in London.

That doesn't change the fact your DH is being a giant knob. Ofc you are right to ask for a proper shared arrangement. This is definitely an issue I'd consider separating over. What happens if either of you became ill or disabled, for example? I just wouldn't want to be in a partnership like that.

@Dozer thank you. I've started applying for part time jobs end of last week even if just when he's at nursery it's a start. Then can gradually move back into full time once I find someone to have the little one the rest of the week (current childminder only works Monday to Wednesday so would need a solution for the other two days - we have been on 2 waiting lists for full time nursery since beg of last year but so far nothing has come out of it).

@Dozer *that should have said when he's at childminders not at nursery

Best of luck with the applications. Always worth phoning round childcare providers regularly: sometimes places do come up and the waiting list systems aren’t always well managed and you might get lucky.