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Mother in law issues

8 replies

Hey219 · 30/04/2018 20:25

These issues with my mother in law started when I had my first baby 17 months ago. This is also my mother in laws first grandchild. To let you understand, before I had my baby, me and my mother in laws relationship was fine. We enjoyed many nights out, dinners etc and when she was drunk would also tell me that she wants a grandchild and this was a common topic she would bring up. When I finally fell pregnant after a missed miscarriage everyone was excited. Me and my partner bought a new house however, this wouldn’t be ready until my baby was 3 months old so me and my partner stayed with my mum until such times. When I went into labour I chose to have my mum and partner there. My mother in law did however turn up at the hospital when I was in labour but was turned away. After labour I had never felt more ill in my life but was delighted with my new bundle of joy! I left the hospital after one night and was completely exhausted. Me and my partner took baby home to my mums which was our home for the time being. Each morning my mother in law would arrive at 8am and stay the whole day thinking she was helping. By which she was inviting her big family around to my mums everyday and I felt completely overwhelmed to say the least! Here I was sitting there exhausted, had an infection and a burst stitch. I just wanted to bond with my baby and be left however was overwhelmed with it all! My midwife also advised I was showing signs of exhaustion and should cut all visitors to rest or will end up back in hospital. My partner told his mum this but she egnored and continued turning up and arranging visitors. I also have memories of her turning up and grabbing the baby out my arms awkwardly of which I was a taken a back! My partner witnessed this and told her to calm down. U could tell she egnored his comment. As soon as my baby was born I was told my partner that I should be giving my baby to his mum and for over night stays. There was no way I would even consider this as I did not want to be parted from my newborn baby, this caused numerous arguments! When I wasn’t agreeing and the pressure was reducing me to tears he told me I had postnatal depression and they both continued to push it. I resisted.
We finally moved into our new house and I had to attend a friends all day wedding. I was very anxious at leaving my baby all day with my over powering mother in law in charge but I reassured myself everything will be fine. While I was away she invited her family around to my house for a take away which was news to me. I found this out from someone at the wedding. I therefore text my mother in law saying please don’t view people around my house if u don’t mind as I have been in a rush getting ready for the wedding and have left the place in a bit of a mess plus I am quite a private person and would like to show people around myself. My text was completely egnored! When I returned she had been in my drawers in an attempt to tidy and had just show people around anyway. She also advised me that she had decided to give my baby calpol and that the baby fell asleep early. My baby never did that! Plus she had given my 3 month baby half a tube of teething gel which she had previously called us wimps for not using. After this experience and the thought of her wining and dining her guests in my house while I was out, giving my baby medicine when unnecessary and ignoring my wishes, I began not to trust her. Every time she phoned me it seemed was to put me on the spot. For example, she called me numerous times one morning demanding to bring her sister over to see my baby. I explained that I was getting ready for a baby class and that it wasn’t a good time. She egnored this and came over anyway. I nearly missed the class! My partner had finally convinced me that I needed a wee break and that his mum had the right to take her grandchild once a week. I agreed to this but before I knew it was turning into more and again I was overwhelmed with her manipulation to take my child as much as she could and getting my partner on her side. I had to put a stop to it as it was getting out of hand. Who was my babies mother here?? My partner told me his mum was angry one day and was coming around to talk to me about why she doesn’t get my child as often as she wants and over night stays. She did arrive but obviously bottled it as she didn’t mention any of this just acted strange and quiet which is not her character. My partner and mother in law began making plans without me aswel such as agreeing that my mother in law was to take my baby a day when I go back to work and had even picked my child’s godparents. I was told that none of my family could be godparents as they are not catholic and my partners family are. Again, this was out my control so I felt no option but to cancel the christening. At my babies first birthday party my mother in law went round my guests advising them that me and my partner had not been getting on recently. I later found this out by word of mouth. She also went in a big huff at the end of my child’s birthday party. She told my partner that I was taking too long clearing up the hall. She wanted people to get into my house for the after party so wanted my partner to hand over his house keys so people could let themselves in. When my partner refused she started stomping around in a huff saying that she’s not coming back to my house. She made a bit of a scene. I later found out that my mum convinced her to come back to mine as she arrived at my house and made me squirm in my chair. She made a speech to all my guests telling them that me and my partner weren’t getting on recently and that they don’t know how lucky that are to have this house. She also went on ranting that her son is perfect but not me and continued to take pops at me and act out of order when my baby was sleeping upstairs. I told her to leave my house and my partner shouted from through in the kitchen that I should leave my house and not her! Needless to say I was angry that she has tried to ruin my babies first birthday party and make it all about herself! She egnored my comment and changed the subject. The next again morning she arrived at 9am while me and my partner where watching my baby open presents. She did not apologise or even mention anything don’t know wot was more awkward. Ok, I won’t go on anymore although there is plenty other things I’m skipping lol. The latest is I was working Sunday and had put my child in the care of my mother as my partner was hungover. I had numerous missed calls on my phone at work from my mother in law and there is a no phone policy like most work places so I obviously couldn’t answer. I received a text from my mum saying sorry but ur mother in law has phoned me and is coming to collect the child. I was confused and stumped at this as this had not been arranged. I text to ask her wot was going on and she did not reply. I had to waste time at my work phoning my partner advising his that the plans have changed and that our child could no longer be collected from my mums like he was going to do. I text her and said that when I leave my child somewhere I expect her to still be there unless I know otherwise. She egnored this aswel. Is this normal to everyone?? I don’t understand this woman she’s not on my planet 🌍

OP posts:
Asteria36 · 30/04/2018 20:37

In a word: no.

You know this is not normal. You need to set clear boundaries with Her, and her son. It is difficult for mothers of sons, when their boy goes off and has his own family they are just as excited as the maternal grandmother but often get sidelined.
The more you shut her out the more she will push. Find a reasonable weekly visiting routine for her that you are comfortable with and stick to it. Make sure that your OH supports you on this, he is married to you so you need to come first.

LeafyLainey · 30/04/2018 20:39

Omg! I don't even know where to start!
If that was my MIL I wouldn't be having any of this!
You need to put your foot down and tell your partner enough is enough! He either needs to tell her to back off or you will! This is your child and if you leave them with your mother then she has no right to go round and collect them without your say so, also your mother should have told her she wasn't coming to collect the child unless you told her it was ok.
Your partner clearly doesn't like to say no to his mother by the sounds of things she's a very controlling woman but you need to start saying enough is enough! No longer will she dictate what is happening with your child!
Next time she turns up unannounced politely tell her you are busy and she can't come round but you will happily arrange another time that suits you both, don't let her in the door.
I would be pulling my hair out if I was you, how you have managed to stay calm and not lose it by now is beyond me I would have flipped my lid at her and my partner by now so well done to you!

Strawberry2017 · 30/04/2018 20:44

In simple terms you need to tell her where to go. You are going to have to stand up for yourself otherwise she will just continue to bully you. This is your child. This is not her child.
Your DH needs to man up and stop pandering to his mother and support you as the mother of his child.
If he's not prepared to then you need to seriously consider if this is the life you want to have because people like her don't change.
Good luck you can do this. Unleash your inner mummy bear and kick her arse! (In the nicest possible way lol)

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SandAndSea · 13/05/2018 00:16

No, this is not normal at all. It sounds like hell.

You're going to have to find a way to put your foot down. You're the mum here, not her.

I wonder if you could get this thread moved to Relationships? I think you'll get more help there.

LongtimeLurker29 · 13/05/2018 00:37

This sounds exactly like my MIL. We are now no contact. She tried to put a rift between me and DH. Inventing problems and arguments. Pretending to side with me and then pretending to side with him. Watched kids when I was in work 1 day a week. I decided to sit back and go silent and wait for her reactions. Because she wasn't getting her way she completely lost it. When we went NC she went to a solicitor and tried to get a court order and lied saying the kids lived with her 4 days a week and 3 days a week with my mother. And basically saying neither parent looked after them so she wanted a child arrangement order. Safe to say after nursery registers, doctors appts and health visitor appts proving her lies wrong my solicitor ripped her lies to shreds and we haven't heard a word in over 2 years. I tried my best to please everyone when DCs came along but I feel like I should have put my foot down a long time ago and saved my kids love for someone who deserved it! Now living a stress free happy life without her in it and me & DH and happier than ever Smile

LongtimeLurker29 · 13/05/2018 00:40

And I had a very good relationship with MIL before kids came along. Used to visit her on my own once or twice a week before her true colours shone through. Haven't even crossed paths in the last 2 years so I hope she is too ashamed to even leave the house for being a complete and utter arse wipe lol

Hey219 · 13/05/2018 09:28

Thanks for your comments guys. Mother in law told my partner she had a nasty text from me and I have not heard from her since. The text was not nasty it just said look when I leave my child somewhere for childcare I expect her to still be there when I get back and don’t appreciate u making plans without my know and taking her from my mum. Because I told her straight she has took the huff. My partner has been lashing out at the stress of being in the middle of it which has made us close to splitting. She phones him everyday so must be getting pressure there too to see her grandchild etc (although she sees her grandchild every Sunday it’s not enough). I can’t believe she hasn’t made any contact appologising although she apologised to my mum. Just got a new job with more days so I’m expecting the shit to hit the fan. My partner has already said he wants his Mum to drop day at her work to look after my child. I would rather put her in nursery tbh as that woman will continue to cause rifts and will have full access to my house when I’m not there which also freaks me out. She will have all her family around behind my back and be in all my rooms and drawers touching things ahhh. This woman does not do rules or even take any notice if u tell her not to do something so would be a constant head ache!

OP posts:
woodenstag · 13/05/2018 09:34

God she sounds an absolute nightmare. I do feel for you.

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