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Original poster

Wedding or Birthday?

13 replies

BPG20 · 28/04/2018 10:04

DBro and SIL are getting married abroad later this year, which we are going to at a cost of about £1200 for the week for me, DH, DSS and DS. They are planning a reception back home.

I've just found out through my parents that the reception will be the day of DS's birthday. He will be two, but he is adopted so it's his first birthday with us. DBro hasn't told us the date or sent invitations yet. We were planning a weekend away for DS's birthday (nowhere far, just an airbnb for the night with some fun stuff to do nearby for the boys). But now that we know the date of the reception, I know we will be made to feel guilty if we book something.

The reception is 8 weeks after the wedding. We wouldn't miss the wedding for the world, but should we be expected to prioritise their reception over what we had discussed for our DS's birthday?

We can't really go away a different weekend for DS's birthday as DSS is with us alternate weekends - the fortnight before is my birthday and the fortnight after is DSS's, so that weekend is really the only chance for us to do something as a family of 4 for DS's birthday.

(The weekend of DSS's birthday will be split between us and his mum so we can't do it then as a joint celebration either).

WWYD?

OP posts:
Jeni29 · 28/04/2018 10:12

I really feel your need to celebrate DS’s birthday given the circumstances, can you not book a day off work mid week?
Other than that, given that your family should have known the importance of littlens first birthday and that you have already accommodated for their wedding, I’d put DS first. Afterall, theycould have chosen any weekend after their wedding for the reception

Gazelda · 28/04/2018 10:16

I'd absolutely prioritise the birthday. You're celebrating the wedding with the happy couple, but your DS's first birthday with you is very important and it's understandable that you want to mark it in a special way.

Original poster
BPG20 · 28/04/2018 10:19

We could celebrate DS's birthday midweek without DSS as he will be at school, or on his actual birthday (reception won't start until 6pm). But DS would be exhausted by the evening so wouldn't be able to go to the reception, we would need a babysitter (family and friends will all be at the reception and as he's adopted we can't just leave him with anyone).

I want to put DS first given that we are already making a big effort for the actual wedding, but I know we will be made to feel guilty. And I would be very surprised if DBro even knows it's DS's birthday that day.

OP posts:

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Original poster
BPG20 · 28/04/2018 10:21

I think the issue would be that we could do both - day time with DS and then evening reception, but we specifically wanted to get away for the weekend for a particular thing we wanted to take the boys to. So we are choosing going away over doing both, we are not being expected to not celebrate with DS at all.

OP posts:
EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 28/04/2018 10:29

I always thought that the point of the reception back home, is to be able to celebrate with those who couldn't make the actual wedding?

I would stick with your plans for DS's birthday.

Original poster
BPG20 · 28/04/2018 10:44

You are right Einstein but I think there's still an expectation that close family will attend both.

This has also been a bit of a pattern for DBro and SIL overshadowing other events - they decided to get married/announced this to family the day of our matching panel with DS, announced their pregnancy when DH and I had just (24 hours before) learnt of our infertility, planned their sons Christening for DSS's birthday. I've always put it down to them being a bit clueless but I don't want to have to change our plans for DS just because of them (I do love them both very much!).

OP posts:
Jeni29 · 28/04/2018 10:45

Don’t feel guilty, you’ve done your part, your priorities are right, Birthday all the way

PleaseAndThanks · 28/04/2018 10:46

I think that’s really poor form from them.

I would prioritise your DS bday.

EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 28/04/2018 11:43

Wtaf?! I'm sorry OP, but they're coming across as far from clueless, more like insensitive and self absorbed. Hmm

I would ask DB the date, probably something along the lines of, "DM seems to think that the reception has been planned for X date. As you know, it is DS's birthday on that date, so wanted to check that DM hasn't got her dates muddled? We have already booked to go away for DS's birthday weekend so wouldn't be able to attend. We'll be so disappointed to miss the reception, but fortunately for us, we'll get to celebrate the actual ceremony with you at ."

Orchidflower1 · 28/04/2018 11:49

Agree with einstein that’s a great comment to say to them. Your dm should have said to your dB “ oh it’s dgs 1st birthday that day so if you have party then xxx may not come” I know it’s not ds actual first birthday but it kind of is iyswim.

TeenTimesTwo · 28/04/2018 20:32

Adopter here.

Prioritise the birthday over the reception. No question.

emmyrose2000 · 24/05/2018 04:40

Definitely prioritse your son's birthday. Stick to your original plan.

CatRen27 · 24/05/2018 05:22

Birthday. You're already going to the wedding. They should know their nephew's birthday so shouldn't mind. You've already booked the birthday holiday, right? 😉

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