Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Would you go to this leaving do?

17 replies

rickandmorts · 16/04/2018 10:06

Being vague as it is outing. I work in a department that is split across two sites. For the last year or so I have been bullied by a man much older than me, nothing outright just ignoring me, leaving a room when I walk in, telling everyone he hates me etc. He has no basis for this behaviour, my manager has spoke to him and colleague said had no reasons to dislike me, he just did.

Anyway said colleague has just got a new girlfriend (partner?) and the bullying has got worse. Colleague isn't on social media but new gf is, they have been looking up my twitter and colleague has gone to manager about a few of my tweets. There was nothing incriminating in them and my manager/ HR has basically just said colleague is being malicious and I can't get in trouble for them. I put my twitter on private and his gf requested to follow me .

At the other site a member of staff is leaving and colleague is moving over there so in a month I won't have to deal with his shit on a daily basis (yippee!). But this member of staff is having a leaving do. I have already agreed to go when I found out bully colleague is going and taking his gf. Partners aren't even invited so I am certain only reason they are both going together is an attempt to bully/ intimidate me further.

So options are gracefully bow out with an excuse or go to meal and spend the whole time trying to ignore them both. Or possibly speak to my manager and get him to say that only colleagues are invited and no plus ones. I get anxiety and can already feel it and the meal isn't for another few weeks!! I just feel so sad and angry that one person has had such an effect on my life, I was late to work this morning because I just didn't want to go and have to spend the whole day with a smile plastered on my face!!

OP posts:

Theknacktoflying · 16/04/2018 10:11

It is a leaving function for another member of staff - if you like the ‘leaver’ forget who will/won’t be there - go with a smile, enjoy the meal and leave as soon as you can and avoid contact with toxic couple.

If you don’t like the leaver then excuse yourself ... stop making it a drama about you and toxic couple ...

Aprilmightbemynewname · 16/04/2018 10:12

I was actually going to say don't let him keep you from going but I think it would boil him more if you don't go!! Go see you manager if he is still bullying you though, and def don't add pmgf (psycho man's gf) on any social media. She will sus him soon enough I imagine.

ScreamingValenta · 16/04/2018 10:18

Leaving aside the question of the bully, how much do you want to go to the leaving do? If you really want to go, I don't think you should let the bully deter you. If you're not too bothered, I would make an excuse and give it a miss. You shouldn't let this person dictate what you do, but for something unimportant, it wouldn't seem worth the attendant anxiety.

Contacting HR about bringing plus ones doesn't sound a great idea. Is the business paying for this event? Unless they are, I don't see how HR would have any jurisdiction over who was invited. If the business is paying, you could contact them to 'clarify' the position on partners, but then you risk giving the bully more excuses to hassle you.

HR are aware of the malicious allegation about your Twitter - have you raised a formal grievance with them, logging incidents of bullying? That would seem a more appropriate way to involve HR in tackling the problem.

Original poster

rickandmorts · 16/04/2018 10:20

Theknack - I haven't worked with the leaver much but I like him and was looking forward to the meal. I'm really not making this into a drama, I was just asking for opinions because I know that bully colleague is doing this to fuck with me..

April - yeah do you think it would annoy him more if he went to the effort of bringing her to wind me up and then I didn't go? Also let me add, this colleague NEVER goes to any kind of work do and also hates the leaver in question. So I know he is only going for my benefit. No I have just deleted the request and blocked her.

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 16/04/2018 10:23

So sorry you're going through this. I worked with someone who hated me years ago. I knew he was unfriendly but found out he really hated me when some colleagues told me to look on the work system - there was a hidden page and he'd actually written on there that he hated me! He was a very unhappy person.

Given that it sounds like you haven't had much support at work, I would cancel going. You could explain to the person (I probably wouldn't - less is often more) or you could remember a prior engagement and offer to see them for a drink another time.

Original poster

rickandmorts · 16/04/2018 10:24

Screaming - it would have been nice to go but I won't be devastated if I don't IYSWIM. Also I wasn't going to involve HR, just mention it to my manager to say that +1 aren't invited so it is just work lot. In the email sent round about the meal there were no mentions of any +1, nobody else is bringing one. So he is just doing it to get at me.

And with regards to HR, I haven't got them involved before about the bullying as it is a long and drawn out process and my manager said it would cause a lot of shit flinging in the department. I have had a lot going on in the past year and didn't want all the hassle of a grievance procedure/ mediation etc. So I am just biding my time and luckily I won't have to work with him again.. just have to survive these few weeks!!

OP posts:

Aprilmightbemynewname · 16/04/2018 10:25

I think he would be raging tbh!! Make sure you report anything to your manager at work after the do if he approaches you.
Remember to update here!! Like to see a bully brought to his knees.

ScreamingValenta · 16/04/2018 10:33

In your shoes, I probably wouldn't bother going - I wouldn't want to spend the evening avoiding the pair of them, and if it really is true that he's invited her purely to intimidate you, he'll be disappointed if you give it a miss. As SandandSea said, don't make a big thing of withdrawing if that's what you decide to do - just say something else has come up.

If you do decide to go, then try to surround yourself with others for the evening, so if he tries anything, there will be witnesses.

A quiet word with your manager about plus ones would be harmless, but given that your manager has dissuaded you from raising a grievance to avoid 'shit flinging' I wouldn't have high hopes of this achieving anything - sounds like your manager is a 'don't rock the boat' type and might not want the potentially difficult conversation of telling the bully his GF isn't welcome.

Original poster

rickandmorts · 16/04/2018 10:37

I think you might be right Screaming!! The thing is it's only a small group too, about 15 of us so would be hard to avoid her.

And no it's really not my style to make a big thing of not being able to go, I would just say something has come up and apologise. And still put in for the leaving present of course. Colleague isn't putting in for present .

OP posts:

DairyisClosed · 16/04/2018 10:43

I would go and be all over his girlfriend. Laugh at all her jokes keep complimenting her on everything etc. Make eyes at her. Just to screw with his head. But that's just me being me. the right thing to do her is turn up and not let them get to you.

Rudgie47 · 16/04/2018 11:00

I'd give it a miss and spend your money on a better night out. Also I bet the reason he hates you is because he fancies you.

Original poster

rickandmorts · 16/04/2018 11:06

Dairy - I don't have it in me to do that!!

Rudgie - I am really not being big headed and am low on confidence anyway but a few people at work have said it sounds like he has a massive crush on me because he was really nice when he started and then just turned and for the last year or so has just been a complete dickhead. Odd.

OP posts:

LizB62A · 16/04/2018 11:06

Honestly, I think you should report it to HR. Your manager doesn't want to make a fuss, for whatever reasons, but if this toxic colleague starts bullying someone else at his new site, your complaint will make it easier for him to be dealt with. Please don't make it someone else's problem - his next victim will feel as bad as you do, and you might be able to help if you report him now

Original poster

rickandmorts · 16/04/2018 11:18

Liz - He won't bully anyone at the next site. I work with exclusively middle aged men which is his demographic and he's met and gets on with everyone over there. Also everyone at the site over there knows about his hatred for me so they think it's just a 'clash of personalities'. If reporting meant that it would stop him bullying someone else I would in a heartbeat but he definitely won't when he goes over there, it's just me he has the problem with.

OP posts:

Original poster

rickandmorts · 16/04/2018 11:27

Sandandsea - sorry just seen your post. it's really horrible when someone takes a dislike to you when you haven't done anything to them isn't it. I realise not everyone in life will like me but I do find it very difficult on a day to day basis!!

OP posts:

LizB62A · 16/04/2018 13:35

because he was really nice when he started and then just turned

And that's why I'd report him if I was you....

Original poster

rickandmorts · 16/04/2018 14:02

Liz it's okay I've only got another month!! I've spoke to someone over my dinner and feel better, fuck it I'm going to go. I doubt he'll even turn up with his gf because 1.) he dislikes colleague who's leaving so why would he go to his meal 2.) he's tight as a ducks arse so can't see him paying for a meal out for him and his partner just to spite me!! And if they do end up going I shall be polite, say hello to her if the opportunity arises and then spent the evening seated away from him.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread