Shall I give up work and become a SAHM?

[Cupoftea321]

Help me! I’m struggling to make a big decision.
Background- I’m working currently 4 days per week with the majority from home while my DD (4yrs) and DS (2yrs) are at nursery. My work is over an hour commute away so I go in for one morning per week and the rest of the time am at home. Whilst I appreciate I am very lucky to have this flexibility I’m starting to go insane being on my own all the time and feel like I’m missing on the children growing up. I’m not part of any world or social circle as I don’t have work colleagues with me and can’t reach out to other mums as don’t have any time or the children with me.
Every week I make the decision to become a SAHM but then change my mind when I think about the cut backs in money and am I actually making my life much harder having the children all of the time. Is life too short and shall I give it all in so I can enjoy them when they are young or is it worth sticking at?
Nb I didn’t apply and get offered a more local role where I could be in the office and have that social side but turned it down as it was full time and no flexibility (which I think
Would be typical of any other jobs I applied for in my field)

*did apply

Could you reduce hours instead?

Crucial missing information is: can you afford to be a SAHM? If you'd then have to rely on benefits, then I think you'd be wrong to make that choice, personally.

They’re only young for a short time . It can be be nice and social doing things with preschoolers and other parents, which it sounds like you would like. I really enjoyed the period before mine started school . Back at work now but have good memories and friends from that time. ( I found I got used to living on less money and even liked the challenge of getting through a day without spending )

It’s so hard trying to work out what to do.
I’m currently a SAHM and trying to go back to work as I’m finding it so stressful being at home.
The thing that stops me is I don’t know how my youngest will cope in nursery, he’s such hard work and I couldn’t bare it if he cried when I left him!
Sorry my post isn’t really much help, but just wanted to say- being at home isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Then again your job definitely sounds very lonely, as a SAHM I manage to get out daily to baby groups etc and chat to other mums.

I went back to work 3 days a week wirh DS, (now 21), and became SAHM with DD, (now 13). My only regret is not doing it earlier. Reason: DH wouldn’t agree and that actually caused a long term separation. I wish I’d stood up to him at that time. He has changed, he would have needed to. Its not always been easy, especially when children are pre-school, but it’s always been enjoyable, if that makes sense. If you can make ends meet financially, I would say go for it. I decided I would rather be with my kids and skint, than having to rely on other people for childcare. Hope it works out for you.

I empathise! I also wfh with only one morning pw woh, though fewer hours so I can look after dd f/t. I find it lonely too, and that’s with getting out to groups etc.

I’d second reducing hours but keeping up work if that’s a possibility.

Presumably your older child will be starting school soon. It’s a relatively short time (2 years?) to get through til they’re both at school if it’s something you want to keep up when they’re at school. Is it a job you can easily get back into if you have a break?

By all means give up your financial independence if you are certain your marriage will never fail or your DH never get sick.

Otherwise no, look for an alternative job. You're setting your kids a great example and protecting yourself

Another question is can you get back into your job if you break, and if you can't does the longer term impact on your finances matter? Going back into work can be a challenge in certain sectors / functions.

So, is your existing pension and savings made to date combined with your partners pension provision etc significant enough to clear mortgage and see you through retirement?

I was in a similar position when my children were pre-school and so had 5-6 years part time doing a slightly different role, took a big salary cut, only put bare minimum into pension.

It kept me up to date and I got back into previous role when they went back to school. Long term, those 6 years not putting into pension will have me working at least 8 years longer by my calculation.

Well your eldest will be in school next year. So just one at home and she will be of an age where she enjoys the stimulation of nursery.

You give up more than the immediate loss of salary. You give up pension contributions, salary escalation, if you try to get back into employment later, it becomes harder, you start lower down. If something happens to your husband how you will live, job loss, illness. You suffer an immediate loss of earnings if you given up, how does that impact? Kids get more expensive as they get older. What happens if your marriage ends. Kids are young for a short time, but we are parents forever. Our working life is long.

Personally for me, I wouldn't remotely consider it, but it's your call.

Absolutely not- 4 days a week and the majority at home; that's a dream scenario.

Can you not join a group on your weekday off? What about swimming lessons in early evening? Could you sign up for a course at local adult college?

I wouldn't do it in a million years but then again I work from home and I LOVE it, best of both worlds imo.

Could you find another job, one that lets you interact with others?

can’t reach out to other mums as don’t have any time or the children with me.

Can't you do this on your day off? I have plenty of mum friends because we do groups etc on my day off.

Thank you for the replies. Sorry should have given more info. I was working 3 days until recently but around 10 + hour days as my job is high pressured sales role that is still really a 5 day a week job that I’m trying to do on reduced hours. But that was even more lonely and putting me under a lot of pressure and giving me anxiety so I felt that 4 shorter days may be better - but now
I feel I never see the children and miss them. Financially we would be fine- just have to learn to make cut backs. I think that’s my worry whether it’s still worth it when they go to school. However they have been at holiday clubs the last two weeks over Easter while I have been at home seeing lots of children going for days out near us and that’s made me feel awful too. Summer hols doesn’t look much better with me and my husband having to split our holiday as can’t take more than 2 weeks off each at a time so won’t be having any time as a family. But then it does cross my mind that I might miss some alone time after 6 weeks off with them!!

I wouldn’t leave the flexible setting you already have in a million years.
I was a SAHM until DS was 3. Career wise I never recovered from it (and never will).

Being a SAHM is not for everyone, I did a LOT of stuff with my child when I was a SAHM, that he no longer remembers. But even when I was meeting people and certainly not sitting at home all day while DS watched CBEbies, I found myself often bored, unmotivated and unchallenged. I also missed having interesting conversations with other professional people (sorry to say this but I often thought that most intelligent conversations were taken down to lower levels as soon as I mentioned I was a SAHM). The balance in my relationship also changed, some way and very slowly he stopped seeing me as an equal. As much as he loved me, I was no longer the sort of person he would have fallen in love with.

But the main damage was that when the time came for me to consider leaving my husband, I couldn’t, as I couldn’t support DS and myself on my own. It took me years to get to be in the position to leave. And now that I’m raising my son on my own, I cannot provide for him in the level I could have had if I had not decided to spend 3 years baking cakes, taking him to the park or meeting with other parents (someway he also seemed to have a much better social life when he started nursery ).

Both your kids are tiny, but in a couple of years, things will be very different. If I were you, I would hold in there rather than become a SAHM.

And remember, this is not the only job. You can find another one you enjoy better. It is not between this job and staying at home. You may just need to do something different.

But if your problem is feeling lonely being a sahm isn’t going to sort that.

Your real problem is work expecting you to do a full time role in part time hours - that’s what you need to chip away at. And I sympathise because I’m the same. Allegedly 80% but in reality about 105%, which is still better than the crazy hours I was doing before.

Work out a way to reduce your workload to the proportion of time you have

I never returned to work after having our DS 10 years ago. I was in a highly stressful role and although the salary was good the pressure was horrendous.
BEST thing I have ever done!!!
My DH took early retirement so we live off his pension plus income from various investments.
We downsized to get rid of the mortgage and so bought outright our current home.
Obviously take everything into account but if your finances allow then go for it. I can't ever see myself working again (but then again I am a lazy cow!!!!)

Can you possibly reduce your days?

I really appreciate the honest feedback, thank you. Given me a lot to think about xx

If you can manage financially why would you work? At least for the early years when they are so young and it is so formative. You will have lots of jobs but you won’t get this time back with your babies. It is precious.
I would ruthlessly cut back my hours or stop for a while. Take up toddler classes, meet with friends and enjoy your children whilst you have them.
The space and time will allow you to think about your future career and direction.
I have not regretted a single moment of being with my children and have made life long friends.

As someone who is older and looking around at my contmepories so many relationships failed when people hit their forties. What the outcomes were of the heart were various but the financial side made some of my friends lives a total misery. But I always lived by my Mothers never rely on a man for money, always work ethic.

No. Get a different job. I still think bring a SAHM was great for my kids but it ruined my career/earning potential. Plus it is not the antidote to loneliness; quite the reverse.

I would look for something else personally first. And if that wasn't successful I'd go for the SAHM option. I had 3 years off in total with my children. It set me back work wise but I don't regret that. I'm back to work, a job that's very flexible and fits for us as well as being a role I'm proud of and feel I can use my brain still.

‘I still think bring a SAHM was great for my kids but it ruined my career/earning potential. Plus it is not the antidote to loneliness; quite the reverse.’

Agree entirely.