Wife's phone is killing me

[GreyJude]

Newcomer so go easy on me?

My wife is never off the phone, messaging, etc, and I know she's up to stuff. She's being nice enough to me but I'm being eaten up inside as I don't know what else she's up to, either actually or else thinking of or planning to do. My trust is battered and bruised but I really want things to work. Geez, talk about Pandora's Box - but I can't 'un-know' stuff, so how,do know what I should do?

I think all mnetters must look like they are up to stuff

I don't agree. There's no way DH could possible think I was "up to stuff". He sees me on MN and other websites, I don't hide the screen. He even looks over my shoulder once in a blue moon, not to check up on me cos I'm ROFL at some MNer's post but he has an interest in what I like, most of the time we're just hanging out on sites, but always openly.

If either of us started hiding our screen or not wanting to talk about what we're doing, or going into the other room to do PMing, it would create suspicion. But we don't.

OP your DP doesn't sound committed or invested in your relationship if she's sexting and obsessively texting, it says a lot about her mindset towards you. Have an honest conversation, that's not controlling it should be a normal part of any relationship to want that person's commitment.

Trouble is, technology is nowadays so expected it gets in the way of RW communication (oh the irony!)

I wouldn't put up with this OP

a few months ago after a night out she sent flirting messages to a coworker then desperately asked her friends how to delete them, but added how much she wanted the bloke

Get rid. Let her have the bloke.

Ugh I had not read your second post, OP. That's a bit different. Flirting and sexting are not OK obviously. It sounds like quite juvenile behaviour to me. Is she very young? It might just be a silly game to her- you need to tell her it's hurtful and ask her how would she feel if you were fooling around like that. Best wishes x

Sorry, not sure how to reply to individual posts. Bear with me?

You can't reply to individual posts. If you want to refer to a specific poster put an At symbol in front of their name (copy and paste their name if complicated!), like this @GreyJude.

Passmethecrisps 11:10. I just want my wife to be loyal and straight with me.

Penfold 11:14. Walk away when things don't end up as you want? Pretty gloomy outlook on life isn't it? Now my way of thinking.

user
Your oh sending flirty txts to men, telling your friends you 'want him' and sexting online men = not dramatic just overly controlling/jealous of op?
Really?
Not in my book.

@Adversecamber22 we're in our 50, kids all flown the coop now.

@bluebeck I'm wary of broaching the subject. I can be soooo clumsy and what I try to say gets all twisted and a million miles from what I intend. Looking to minimise any stupidity before I do.

Grey
Thing is if she doesnt acknowledge what she is doing is wrong and wont stop what she is doing you might have to walk away for your own good. Her actions show she really doesnt care about your feelings at all.

But if she wakes up and wants to save your marriage she has to prove herself to you big time.
Only you can decide if you trust her enough to do so.

@willow2017 & @PoliticalBiscuit this is what I think I'd be saying to any friend of mine in this position, but my head is wrecked with it all. And I can't figure a friend to speak to about it. In particular the one I would is her BFF's husband but also the one she was sexting, so I'd be more likely to snap his neck. It's the lack of respect for him too that has me like a startled rabbit. I need to put him in isolation so he stays away and doesn't tip her the wink that I know until I'm good and ready.

@username7979 I'm accused of being controlling and I realise my trying to figure out what's happening looks like that, but when the alternative is to do nothing I really don't know where the right line is.

@GreyJude I would suspect that @username7979 posted before reading your subsequent updates.

You really need to have a conversation where you challenge her about the sexting, and how that doesn't fit with your marriage vows. If she understands that and wants to stop then maybe marriage counselling is appropriate.

I'm accused of being controlling and I realise my trying to figure out what's happening looks like that

It's not controlling to tell your wife you don't want her messaging and flirting with other men, not at all. Of course your wife will say that it is just to deflect it all back on you and excuse her awful behaviour.

She's out of order and you should tell her if she doesn't change you'll leave her.

Grey how long have you been together? Has she just recently started behaving so badly. I could understand it a bit more if you were both in your teens or 20s but honestly the way you describe her is incongruous with someone in their 50s with grown up children! She seems very immature from your description of her behaviour.