Neighbour dilemma

[stayathomegardener]

Long story as short as I can.

Lived next door to my neighbour for 20 years, our farms adjoin.

Neighbour is 85 and in very poor health, she has no indoor loo, heating or hot water bar a coal Rayburn.

Over the last 10 or so years my support has increased, I bring in her coal buckets and do any physical jobs. I and various other friends have organised a care package and she has twice daily visits from carers which started a few years ago.

So my dilemma is Neighbour recently broke her hip and post hospital has three social services visits daily which will stop in six weeks on top of her usual carers.

I now go in daily and riddle the Rayburn and empty the ash pan. This is akin to stoking the Titanic at times and not a job random carers can do.

I can't always keep the daily visits up, although I have done for the last 8 weeks but it's so hard to not go as she gets in such a mess.

I've tried to get her to swap to an oil fired Rayburn but she doesn't want to based on costs.
If I keep going daily social services won't be able to assess her accurately, I was wondering about trying to gently cut the visits down but think it may finish her off.

You sound lovely OP, if that was my elderly relative I would be eternally grateful for what you have done already. Can you not be there the next time SS visit and explain you can't keep up what you are doing due to commitments?

I don't know if I'm lovely, she is like a Mum to me and I think that's the problem, with my own Mum who has dementia I pull rank and decide what is best for her obviously respecting her wishes but with friends it is different.

I can't really talk to social services privately as that would be a betrayal.

Does she have family? If so you could tell them they need to help her and get her home more liveable as currently it's not fit for anyone really

Failing That Bw there whenSS come and talk to them about the fact she's essentially being taken care of by you which restricts you but also can't go on forever

It must be hard for you all including her

You've told us what you neighbour has in relation to her accommodation set up but you haven't mentioned if there is family around? They should be involved in making the decisions surrounding her care.

I agree with ready in saying that you need to be there when SS visits again and explain that you are doing X, Y and Z and you can no longer do this. Your neighbour (whether she likes it or not) may be in a better condition if she was in a care home rather than at home as she would receive all of the attention necessary to help her recover from her broken hip and in the meantime her house could be improved to have an indoor toilet and better heating throughout, maybe?? Could the costs be covered by the valuation of her house and when necessary it could be sold to recover those costs?

She does have a few family Flumpy but they would like to see her in a care home and she is adamant she wants to stay at home.

I do agree her living conditions are far from ideal but it is what she is used to social services are involved so to me it is (sort of) officially ok'ed.

The fact that SS are involved and she's at home means she has capacity. Are her family looking to get hold of the farm? Are they aware they'll have to pay her care home fees? Horrible.

It's incredibly difficult as a coal raeburn isn't practical at all. Have you talked to her about it? Are you down as her point of contact for SW?

Yes she very definitely has capacity, is as sharp as a pin with a far better than mine- we joke about it but both know it's true.

I'm down as her contact for social services yes.

Glad you agree about the Rayburn, it's a beast very weather dependant, draws fiercely in wind and sulks when it's still and I consider myself pretty good with it.

I have suggested swapping to oil but she wasn't keen and that's where with Mum I would have insisted.

I guess the issue is you are propping up something her family can’t sustain, so if that is unrealistic (and, hats off to you, I wouldn’t have done as much as you have - and you do need to be able to go away yourself) then you need to make your boundaries clear to her and yes to her social care team - they need to see her getting in a muddle when it is just carers going in, not you.

Far better memory than mine!
Should proof read before posting.

That is it exactly brownturkey.

She does understand I have put lots on hold to support her recently and would be understanding and gracious if I withdrew a bit.

I totally get that social services need to see the real picture but worry that withdrawing even in the short term will kill her.

I think in which ignore the fact you aren't blood relatives. You are her de facto kin in the ways that matter. Perhaps she may be more receptive if it's couched in your difficulties rather than hers if you see what I mean.

If she is sharp as you say, you should speak honestly about why you are struggling. Tell her what she means to You, and explain that you want to help her, but that it is too much. I would explain that in order for it to be workable, she needs to switch to oil. If she really doesn't want to, then you need to have a conversation with ss together about what help is really needed.