Need advice on how to move on from adultery!

[Debdoo]

Hi I’ll be as brief as I can, my husband had some sort of emotional breakdown in 2015 and 2016, he told me he didn’t think he loved me in both occasions and didn’t feel the same about me anymore and he left! He went to his friends the first time in 2015 for 2 weeks and came back saying he knew what the problem was, it was his job and he needed to leave as he was away mom to Friday in London and didn’t feel part of the family anymore! Anyway, he started to feel happier and we moved house to a house we’d been working towards buying for 12 years, then again in 2016 he started becoming distant and leaving to travel to work on Sunday afternoons instead of the usual Monday mornings like he always had! He told me again he didn’t feel like he had any emotion and he felt dead inside and didn’t feel any love for me anymore and he still wasn’t happy and I bored him! I was again devastated but I’m quite old fashioned and I believe in making a marriage work and doing everything you can to make it work! He left a couple of tines just over night and went to his friends and I chucked him out on the last occasion and told him not to come back til he’d sorted himself out! Everything he was doing was totally out of character for he man I’ve loved and known for the past 14 years and I knew he’s wasn’t right emotionally! He kept in contact everyday all day and in a nutshell he begged to come back and said he was depressed and his job was still the reason, he’d never stopped loving me but he’d felt tht low that he’d lost any form of emotion and he thought it was because he didn’t love me anymore but when he left he realised he’d never stopped loving me! Anyway ever since then he’s been great and our marriage Is better than it has been in along time, he’s attentive and shows me all the time in little ways how much I mean to him and he’s proven in his everyday actions how much he regrets leaving! However a couple of weeks ago I found his old note book from work and I just had a look through to see if needed chucking and I found basically a plan of his finances combined with an old female colleagues finances and a to do list for him which involved changing his will, life insurance and isa’s, she’d titled it “our to do list”. Now I knew deep inside last time he left that there was a very good chance he’d been having an affair and I accepted it and dealt with that possibility at the time, I just had a feeling I can’t explain it, however physically seeing this plan of a life with another woman after me has just... I can’t explain it! I spoke to him about it and he denied having the affair and I know why it’s because he regrets it and now he can feel
Emotion he’s at risk of losing everything he loves! I get that and tbh I’ve told him that I know and truth be told I don’t particularly want him to admit it as then it becomes conversation and I won’t beable resist wanting to know the ins and outs and I won’t beable to get through that I don’t think! Innnow it sounds daft but I’d rather not know! If you knew how out of character this is of my husband you’d understand why I forgave him knowing it was a possibility! I don’t want anyone to tell me to leave him as that is not something I want to do, I just want advise on how to deal with it all emotionally! I love my husband with all my heart and I know he loves me, although he hasn’t admitted it, his reactions and actions since we spoke a few weeks ago told me he was sorry and he had and how deeply he regretted it and I don’t believe he’ll ever do it again! I just want advise?!

He regrets getting caught.

You may not want to hear it but it's the start of the end I'm afraid, he's obviously not happy and you deserve better. I remember wanting to fix my marriage cos I wanted the pain to go away but eventually reality sets in and after 4 years it ended for good, there was a lot of Off and On times in between a lot of tears anger resentment, I now have peace and contentment even after 9 years of being single. The route to happiness is to be true to yourself. Good luck with finding happiness x

Hi Debdoo everyone deserves a second chance and if your husband is truly sorry and regrets this affair and you love him you will both have to try and make it work. Perhaps after 14 years you just took each other for granted and the passion went out of your marriage and boredom set in, I expect this other woman seemed exciting and new but then he came to his senses and realised it was you he wanted, but I think you need to talk to him about this not brush it under the carpet.

Emotional breakdown? He wanted to move out and live like a single bloke again.
You bored him? Wow. What a nasty thing to say.
He's had an affair. He isn't sorry. He will likely do it again.
Some marriages aren't worth saving. Whether you're old fashioned or not.

You’ve been played OP, I’m sorry but I really do believe that. And I know you want to fix it more than anything but you need two people to make a relationship. You can’t keep making excuses for what is classic behaviour of a cheater.

Could you even consider getting your heart and mind together and kicking him out? It would be for the best I believe.

I’m grateful for you comments. It’s difficult to explain fully the ins and outs of everything as we’d be here all day! So I get how it’s easy to just say he’s a cheat and get rid... I do get that! I don’t think the previous lady meant I’d bored him into having an affair and I understood what she meant and didn’t take any offence to anything anyone’s said! It’s hard I know to give advise when you don’t personally know the people involved and I’d probably be thinking the same as you all, but the affair is so unbelievably out of character for my husband and I honestly do believe he is sorry and won’t do it again! I didn’t find out about the affair at the time it occurred 2 years ago nearly, however I did wonder and when he left he was in constant contact with me telling me he loved me and missed me etc etc. He basically had some sort of breakdown, be spent a lot of time away from home in a hotel room alone and his worst enemy was his own thoughts and he started remembering incidents that occurred in his childhood which he has serious issues with and he sort of detached himself from reality! He felt rejected by us and said he felt like he was looking in in the family he used to have living their lives without him in it and didn’t feel apart of our family anymore! He blames me as he felt trapped in his job which his income was decreasing as was commission based but hours was increasing and he didn’t feel he had anything to give to use when he came home at weekends as was knackered and sub consciously blamed me for that! We’ve talked and although we’ve not discussed the affair as if it happened as I don’t wanna go down that route, he knows I know and he’s broke down in tears and said he didn’t know what the hell his mind was thinking at that time and he was in a really bad place mentally and he will spend his life regretting that part of his life and he realised when he left as he’d felt no emotion for anything including me so he thought he didn’t love me anymore, that he hadn’t ever stopped loving me and every happy memory he’d ever had I was a part of and he couldn’t live without me! I did believe he’s genuinely sorry and if he was type of person who I thought for a second would do it again he’d be out on his ear! But I believe he deserves a second chance. Hes the father of my children and my family and I don’t wanna split that up! The kids reacted really badly to him leaving and see now left with two suffering with anxiety and insecurity’s and I don’t wanna bring a load of pain on them either! That’s another reason I don’t wanna talk and him verbally admit it as it becomes atopic of convo and they’ll hear us discussing and I don’t want them to know! His actions have told me everything I wanna know! I’m just looking for advise on how to deal with the hurt I’m feeling! Im generally ok day to day, but the odd days I’m tearful and feel low and angry! He knows when I’m like it and gives me a lot of emotional support and affection and our sex life in general is better than it has been in ages! Just sometimes I start to think abit it and it makes me feel down! Just wanted advise from someone whose gone through it and come out other side! I’m generally ok, I wrote my question on a bad day! X

Hi Debdoo I think time is a great healer and eventually you will get over it but not forget. I think talking about it to someone, have you any family or friends you can confide in, or perhaps go to a Councillor on your own just so you can talk about your feelings, perhaps you are a bit depressed and need to see the doctor. You need to forgive him, easier to say than do I know. Hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks love! Xx