SIL won't stop talking DP's ex and insults home. WWYD?

[MintHotChocolate82]

Me and my SIL get on fine, I only see her every few months at family gatherings. We have a similar sense of humour and exchange small talk but she's always left me feeling a little uneasy at passive aggressive comments on some occasions I see her and sometimes a blatant disregard for my feelings.

Me and DP have been together for 6 years and despite this, my SIL will continuously bring up his ex at inappropriate moments. An example of the top of my head was at recent family gathering, I was telling SIL about visiting a butterfly house with DD, to which my sister nudged my DP and said "do you remember how your ex use to love butterflies! It was butterflies here, butterflies there..." My DP wasn't paying attention and didn't hear, I was just left feeling rather awkward and I just smiled and listened as I couldn't think of anything to say back.

She excludes me from family photo's, on nearly all occasions she has made a point to take photographs with my DD, my DP, herself and the rest of the family and make a point for me not to be in it. The worst part of that is, it's normally me hosting the gatherings, I'm normally the one who's been cooking, decorating and playing hostess and I'm still excluded like I'm just an employer, rather then a person who's now apart of their family.

She has another brother who is very disabled and I help care for him such as shopping, making him meals, driving him places. And I feel like I'm just taken for granted. I take him out to parks, animal centres etc every Sunday and I wasn't able to take my BIL out a few weeks ago and my DP was working and he asked if my SIL could and she was very upset. Said she "had plans, doesn't like to 'run around all over the place' and "where is (my name?!) - Like she's forgetting, he's her brother and I'm not obliged to help him, I do it by choice!

These things I understand are not 'crazy SIL of the year' and are mild compared to other stories I've read.

The point of this post was the most recent incident that happened today which has left me upset and stewing on at 3am still.

My SIL messaged my DP saying she was "very concerned" he hadn't been spending enough time with his disabled brother. (Bare in mind, I have. My SIL hasn't. We have a child which keeps my DP busy after work and SIL doesn't). My DP replied outlining this and telling my SIL that she should worry about herself and how much she visits BIL not being so judgemental to him and other bits. My SIL replied something sarcastic like "Mr caring, so caring he cheated on his ex partner who loved him and would do anything for him". And I was just left thinking what the fuck is this?

My SIL was never that close to my DP's ex, I haven't done anything wrong to my SIL. It's wildly inappropriate for her to keep digging up remarks about his ex so often. I don't understand why she does it?!

My DP and SIL had a mini row and the finale of this was my SIL text my partner saying that we were "too tight to buy proper furniture and our house smelt like dog piss". Jesus Christ. Some of our furniture doesn't match and some bits are second hand, not high-end like SIL but what on earth does that matter?! And my house probably does smell like my two dogs (not urine!) and I'm not ashamed! I understand to non-animal people, 'animals' are stinky and dirty. But come on! It's hardly a crime.

I just feel hurt and I feel embarrassed. I don't have a close relationship with MIL and I hate the idea of them discussing how much they miss his ex and my house "smells like dog piss". I just think it's so rude and so unnecessary!

What would you do? How am I suppose to act the next time I see her?!

Simple just don't see her. If you host the events don't invite her. Block her numbers and get your dp to do the same. Life is too short to put up with this shit.

I suspect this is nothing to do with what your SIL really thinks of the ex, or your house/dogs, and a lot to do with her feelings about her disabled brother and family dynamics - a mixture of resentment and guilt perhaps. I say this as someone with siblings with severe disabilities. Perhaps she feels you are showing her up by helping more than her.

The comment about your DH cheating is bizarre (after six years, regardless of her relationship with the ex) and suggests she is projecting some other issue on to this.

This is all 5am armchair psychology of course. Unfortunately I think you just have to ignore and rise above it.

Agree with 6cats. Life is too short to waste on idiots like that. Stop inviting her to your house, if she says anything then tell her straight.

I can never understand why people pussyfoot around others when they've acting like arseholes. I'd say something like - no, I've not invited you because you're always rude to me, you don't appear to enjoy my company and you were extremely rude about my house. Let's stop trying to get along when it's clearly all one sided.

I can never understand why people pussyfoot around others when they've acting like arseholes. I'd say something like - no, I've not invited you because you're always rude to me, you don't appear to enjoy my company and you were extremely rude about my house. Let's stop trying to get along when it's clearly all one sided.

^This

I was talking to a friend of mine who, together with one of her brothers, has been looking after her severely disabled sister for a few years now. There are 8 siblings in all and the others have done little or nothing to help. Yesterday, the two worst offenders saw fit to complain that the sister wasn't being properly looked after.

Your SIL reminds me of them.

I don't know what the solution is but I hope you find one because you deserve it. She needs putting back in her box sharpish frankly.

She sounds jealous tbh! Jealous that you are kind and generous and her brother clearly thinks the world of you. She's trying to rock your 'perfect' world.
Rise above her comments, an eye roll will suffice. Dont invite her to any more gatherings and if she wants to know why? Tell her the dogs don't like her!

She sounds awful. Don't pander to her, she sounds like a total bitch.

Thank you all for the replies, I'm going to do as mentioned and keep my distance from her, as mentioned life is too short to tolerate being treated like that.

It's been really interesting reading other people's interpretation of her behaviour and left me with lots to think about. I love Mumsnet, much better then any therapy session!

Don't host anymore gatherings, or if you do, don't invite her. If she wants to see you let her invite you.

It sounds like she's jealous and guilty and trying to 'bring you down a peg or two' you are obviously kind and it lots of effort into family, which she doesn't.

The statement about the furniture and digs is ridiculous, she literally could not think of any other insult, it is quite pathetic really.

Bringing up the ex and past mistakes of you DH is also her desperately try's by to find fault and having to drag up things from long ago.

It is very clear to me that she feels inferior to you and all that you do for BIL, she isn't a very nice person and her opinion shouldn't mean anything to you she is irrelevant.

Carry on investing your energy where it is appreciated and give this toxic woman a wide berth.

*too many autocorrects to correct

I think that bringing up the past needs some more context though.

You say your dh cheated on his ex. Was it with you? If you were the OW or if the marriage ended because of his previous affairs then tbh it could be understandable that she doesn’t think that much of you/him.

And if the ex was an innocent party in the break-up then why shouldn’t she still have a decent relationship with her?

I have a family member whose ds cheated on his partner. It’s taken them three years to rebuild their relationship with their DS afterwards, and they have maintained a relationship with his ex. They refuse to have anything to do with the OW though.

Stop hosting her and her family.

Definitely don't host her again. If she questions why, tell her it's because she said your house smells of dog piss and you're offended. Full stop.

@Bonnyshide, Thank you for the comments, something to think about and it seems like the best option now, just to keep distance.

@ChaosNeverRains, No, I definitely wasn't the OW, my DP separated from his ex around a year before I met him. He cheated on her early in the relationship, she found out years later and then left him for a coworker of whom I've heard she is still with. My DP tells me that his sister and his ex were friendly but not particularly close during their relationship but they have since found friendship post separation.

Regardless of her friendship with DP's ex, it doesn't justify or even explain her intention to belittle us.

I've had a long day today with little sleep last night feeling anxious about it, I'm just going to try and keep distance. I loved the idea of being apart of DP's family and DD having a close relationship with her aunt, it feels like such a shame to have such unnecessary conflict but I don't see how else I can move forward after seeing such hateful comments from her.