fell out with my mom and struggling to grieve. please help

[faye500]

this is quite morbid and extreme so please bare with me and is also my first post as I need advice.

so I was sexually abused by my stepdad when I was younger. basically I told my mom at 15 and she said one day you are going to grow up and leave me and he's not and they got married and I moved out at 15. We had a turbulent relationship after that but I loved her and I had a son and I told her she would not take my child round that monster and she divorced him and now he's out my life for good. Until... 4 years later since she divorced him I met an amazing man and moved away from the west Midlands to the East. I plucked up the courage to close that chapter and report him to the police even though it is 16 years on. I have done my interview etc however when I told my mom I reported him we fell out and no longer talk. apparently I'm selfish etc.
we have not spoken since October and now they have interviewed her I found out she said she knew nothing about it and I had never told her and it's broken my heart. it's making the case harder for me and I can't believe a mother could do that to a child.
I will never ever talk to her again but my child still sees her on weekends and she is good to him.
she's dead to me now but how do I grieve. I'm a mess and alot is getting on top of me. my family are my partner and my son now and that is all I have. no friends because of moving. I'm having councilling but I'm struggling with this issue. any ideas suggestions.

Wow. Your mother has made some really poor choices. I think you have made some good choices.

One of my suggestions would to be to think about what it is that you are grieving. Is it the genuine loss of your mother. Or the loss of what you want from a mother? Both are tough but might have different responses.

Do you really want your child to have contact with someone with such poor judgement?

That all sounds very difficult and I don't have any advice about your relationship with your mother, but don't underestimate the impact of moving and having to make new friends. I was very low after moving and the sense of isolation added a whole extra layer of depression for me. Now I have a few friends and am more connected to the local community the other, more heavy, stuff seems easier to deal with. Practically, I would prioritise meeting people and making connections that could turn in to friendships. I know it's difficult though. for you

Yeah and that worked out for her now she has neither of u and she doesn't want people to know that she was married to a beast and people will know she stayed with him instead of protecting her child she will rot in hell for what she's dine shame on her she's the selfish one Police would have questions why she stayed with him there could be more victim

Hi, sorry to raise a huge red flag here but.....one thing I thought when reading your post is that if your mother loved and stayed with a man that abused you as a child then who is she around and letting into her life when she is with your child?

If you don't see her and don't talk to her then is your son alone with her at weekends? Yes she may be great to him but who is around her, someone else that she might allow to get away with disgusting abuse just because she craves their love?

I would honestly rethink your son being around her. Protect your son in anyway you can and if that means having no contact with his grandma then maybe that is the best for your son. Perhaps your mum will then realise what she has lost and how lying and protecting her ex is now going to seriously affect her. She might then re-evaluate the situation if she knows she will not see her grandchild.

It will also surely cause issues down the line when your son is older and wants to know why you aren't all having nice family days out and when you do tell him the truth he will wonder why you still let him stay with her when she lied to the police about your abuse and married a vile abuser.

Stay away, surround yourself with positive people and do treat it as real grief. Grief from your mother and grief from the fact you never had and never will have that unconditional love and support from her. It's ok to feel like you do and you will come through it. What will be will be, you make good choices, do right by your son and yourself and you will be just fine.

xx