Originally posted this on AIBU but hoping that someone might have some advice here!
My original post: I'm My DH and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility and are starting our 2nd IVF attempt soon. We have no DC and I have never been pregnant. I am on medication for anxiety and depression – the struggle to conceive has had a huge impact on my self esteem and mental health and I have had suicidal thoughts in my darker moments.
My friend (let's call her Debbie!) lives abroad and for the last week or so has been trying to Skype with me. There is a big time difference and we couldn't find a time when both of us could talk. I thought she wanted to see how I am doing as she knows what we are going through and that my mental health is suffering. I thought that was really nice of Debbie as she hasn't really been overly supportive and on Friday I suggested we talk today. She said texted to say she couldn't wait to talk any longer and said she had something to tell me...then she attached a scan photo and "We're having a baby!!!!!"
I burst into tears but texted back that I was really happy for her. I feel the scan photo was a bit much considering what we are going through and my mental state. Of course she is excited but there was no consideration for my feelings. (A previous friend announced her pregnancy to me by saying "I know this isn't what you want to hear at the moment but I needed to let you know I'm pregnant. I'll tell you as much or as little about it as you want to know." She also did not send a scan photo.)
Debbie is a good friend but I don't think she knows what to say about IVF. I texted her a while ago saying we would be trying again soon and please keep your fingers crossed for us. She read it but said nothing which I found very hurtful. I now know she must have been pregnant when she read that message and feel that should've given her a bit more understanding of how much we want this? I asked her the due date and she started moaning saying it will be really hot in her country by then and how will she cope? That really got to me. 'I don't care! You are pregnant, don't start moaning about it', I thought.
Anyway. We are meant to be having a chat on Skype today and I am really unsure what to do. She is a very enthusiastic, positive person anyway, so this will be magnified by 10 and she will be extremely excited I'm sure. I know the conversation will be mainly about her being pregnant. I am worried I will burst into tears as I am really envious and so sad that yet again it isn't me with the pregnancy news. I am happy for her but very sad for myself. I don't know what to do for the best – I don't want to put off the chat and her think I don't care but at the same time I'm not sure I am ready for a chat about baby clothes etc.
I am due to go to counselling tomorrow and wondered whether it would be better to work through my feelings with her before calling Debbie, but I am aware that she really wants to chat to me today.
Does anyone have any advice as I am very confused. I don't whether saying something like "I am really happy for you but I need you to know that this is really hard for me and I may find it hard to hear lots of details."? If anybody has been in this situation, how did you handle it? And if anyone has been the pregnant friend, would you be offended by a comment like that/what would you want to hear?
After much thought I didn't feel up to our Skype call, so I sent Debbie a text saying something along the lines of : Hi Debbie, I'm so happy for you but as we are struggling and it is so emotional going through IVF, I just need a bit of time. Talking about babies and pregnancies is so tough for me at the moment. Please can we chat when I feel ready? Huge congratulations and lots of love, ohbigdaddio xx
I expected a reply 'sorry to hear this ohbigdaddio' or 'Yes lets chat soon' or something. But I have had no reply at all and don't know what to do. I sent the text 10 days ago on Whats App so can see that she read it. I feel really hurt. Debbie has many friends and family to rejoice in her happy news and I don't understand why she has blanked me. We are now midway through our IVF cycle, the drugs are making me feel low and I can't stop worrying about our friendship.
Most people have told me to just forget it, let her get on with it and focus on me. My counsellor advised getting in touch, saying I hope the pregnancy is going well and that I was disappointed she didn't reply to my message...I don't feel this is the best approach as it seems like it will cause an argument. One friend suggested that I text again and clarify that I didn't mean to offend her but we are at a tricky point in the IVF cycle and I'm finding things hard.
Sorry this is an epic post, I realise my friend may be hurt too but I just can't understand how a woman with the amazing news that she is pregnant cannot put themselves in the place of a woman with infertility who doesn't know if she will ever have a child.
Any advice on WYWD would be much appreciated xx