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Original poster

Ex-FIL funeral - wwyd

23 replies

MrsPepperpot79 · 19/03/2018 23:06

Or perhaps, where would you sit? This would be easy if it was just me - it would be at the back, pay respects and leave so as not to intrude on closer family grief with the inevitable family politics. Except it's not just me. My ex-h and I have 8 yr dd twins. Fairly sheltered 8yr olds too. Who want to go to grandad's funeral. Do I sit with them at front? Do I sit at back and girls sit with dad and his new gf? What happens if they get really upset? It's a hard enough time without dealing with crappy politics due to split, so any advice on how to keep things low key and "non-statement-y" would be good!

OP posts:
Coco2891 · 19/03/2018 23:09

Are you on speaking/amicable terms with ex H?

applesandpears56 · 19/03/2018 23:10

Depends on your relationship with your ex h but I would go to support your girls. Ask your ex h what he’d like you to do

Coco2891 · 19/03/2018 23:10

I ask coz maybe he had an idea of where best to put the girls, would give you somewhere to start anyway

Coco2891 · 19/03/2018 23:12

And relationship with ex -mil? She might want you and the girls up front with her 😬

Jon66 · 19/03/2018 23:12

3rd or fourth row, sitting with your children, immediately behind or parallel to your ex. You are the mother of his grandchildren.

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2018 23:16

Depends on what your ex would prefer, primarily, and what you think girls will cope with.

He may want them sitting with him. But if he has duties/responsibilities (to his mum? coffin bearer?) then best if he can concentrate on his own grief and you can concentrate on supporting your DDs. That’s what I’d be saying.

So I would sit where the DDs sat, but suggest that was in the front with the family but not front-row front. And that you’re sat down with them and they don’t follow the coffin in.

Original poster
MrsPepperpot79 · 19/03/2018 23:20

Ex-h and I are civil but rarely speak - his choice, I think as he gets embarrassed when he falls behind on maintenance. Polite around kids though, but he's not voiced any opinion on this (in fact not spoken for 2 weeks). Dds love their dad, but see him maybe once in every month, often less (again, irregular, but his choice). MIL and I are good, but not over close. She'll also have her other kids and grandkids close (big family!). Dds definitely near front/at front, if I go few rows back near aisle or behind them?

OP posts:
applesandpears56 · 19/03/2018 23:21

I think you should sit with your dds

blueskypink · 19/03/2018 23:21

I'd be wary about taking 8 year olds to a funeral to be honest. But if you do I'd suggest that you sit fairly far back so you can take them out discreetly if they get upset. Also, the people at the front are those most likely to get upset. You may want to shield your dcs a bit from seeing their father, grandma crying?

applesandpears56 · 19/03/2018 23:23

Blue - is it such a bad thing for children to see human emotion? You just explain it’s because daddy loved his dad and will miss him etc. And then reassure everything will be ok?

AdaColeman · 19/03/2018 23:30

You will probably arrive at the venue before MIL & EX, so I'd say, stay with your girls but sit about 3 rows back, then you will be close at hand if they get tearful/upset.

It's a difficult situation, I know.

applesandpears56 · 19/03/2018 23:33

People will probably think positively of you if you can think of anything nice to say about ex fil and say it to ex mil btw

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2018 23:37

Do you get on well enough with any SILs or BILs to ask about sitting with them?

Ime of family funerals, where grandchildren are involved the non-related parent sits with the DC and takes responsibility for them. So front row would go: widow/er, plus offspring, plus siblings of deceased if applicable. Next row, partners & GC, other family.

You really just need to bite the bullet and suggest a plan to ex.

blueskypink · 19/03/2018 23:38

Blue - is it such a bad thing for children to see human emotion? You just explain it’s because daddy loved his dad and will miss him etc. And then reassure everything will be ok?

Not at all. But they probably have seen their father upset over his father's death. Emotions at funerals can run very high and an 8 year old might find it a bit distressing.

I can still remember going to my grandfather's funeral around that age and being very disturbed by the whole thing. (And my mum telling me to stop crying because my dad was already upset and I'd just make him feel worse!)

applesandpears56 · 19/03/2018 23:47

I think I’d be disturbed if I was told to stop crying at a funeral too - seems like your mum has given you issues about expressing grief/emotion?! IMO you have to say it’s ok to cry because it shows how much you loved someone

blueskypink · 19/03/2018 23:51

seems like your mum has given you issues about expressing grief/emotion?

Blimey - that's quite an assumption to make on the basis of one incident!!!!!!!

LolitaLempicka · 20/03/2018 03:10

I would start off at back and if they want to be near dad, or he wants them near they can move. Just ensure they know where you are too.

NoKnownFather · 20/03/2018 04:05

By all means take the girls, at 8yo they are old enough to learn the meaning of life...part of which is death! However I think ExH would need to look after his DM, so best for your girls to be with you...that also means you are not sitting on your own either, which could make you feel uncomfortable. Probably about 4 rows back depending on number of other family members/kids/etc, you might have to play this by ear when you get there.

I would also make a point of talking to ExMil so she knows you thought enough of the family to take the girls to the funeral, as she probably wouldn't notice you in the crowd and (depending on family situation) nobody might tell her and she will continue to think you didn't bother to attend and ignored the family in their time of grief. I'm not saying she would do this intentionally, but when you are the grieving widow you don't see 'anyone' even if there were a hundred people standing in front of you.

It doesn't sound like you can rely on ExH so leave him to do whatever, just be there for your girls, they will appreciate it.

All the best Flowers

namechange2222 · 20/03/2018 06:29

The children sit with ex. You sit as near to them and behind as you can comfortably get a space

applesandpears56 · 20/03/2018 06:44

Blue - I just thought it was really odd that your main concern about op taking them was that they might see some emotion or get upset - emotion is normal and natural

blueskypink · 20/03/2018 07:29

I just thought it was really odd that your main concern about op taking them was that they might see some emotion or get upset - emotion is normal and natural

Of course emotion is natural (and contrary to your bizarre assumption I am very able to express it!). But emotion at a funeral can be extremely raw. I don't think there's anything wrong with considering whether you want to expose an 8 year old to that.

Original poster
MrsPepperpot79 · 20/03/2018 08:25

Thanks for your help, have text xh re his thoughts, so we'll speak in a bit. If it was just down to me I wouldn't take the girls, but they wanted to go and I know mil wants them there. After hearing their preferences, they are old enough that I can't veto it, just to be there as support.

OP posts:
Ilovecamping · 22/03/2018 17:53

I got on very well with my ex in laws, when Fil died I went to funeral and was very glad I did not take DDs age 6 & 12 As it turned out to be a very emotional service, lots of tears. They were at the wake along with the other children.

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