Walking alone in the dark

[Mcee]

A couple of nights a week my 15yr old daughter stays at her fathers house.
He has never agreed on certain parenting issues and despite them being important and making my life difficult (daughter behaviour) I've let them go for the sake of my sanity.
One issue that I can't let go of is the fact he his happy for her to go out, alone, after dark, walking the dog, and she was gone at least half an hour, and was not 5 minutes away as he told me.

I personally don't think it's safe for a small young girl to be wandering around, (he lives on the outskirts of a big city) I just don't want understand when he thinks it's ok.
I've tried reasoning with him but he just ignores it now and does what he wants. Other than this and a few other issues we try and be united for the sake of her.

What can I do?

I have a daughter of 21 and she is happy to go out on her own in the dark and has done since a teenager at school
I don't think 15 is a small girl at all
Many 15 year olds have jobs
Im not seeing the issue

Thank you for your opinion.

But with respect I know my daughter and her strengths as well as the neighbourhood he lives in.

She is a very small 15yr old, who has already been a victim of a very serious crime, the details I won't go into.

I was really trying to find a way to work with the ex husband. Not opinions of if you think it's ok or not. I appreciate others won't see a problem and will allow their daughters of that age to go out and respect their views.

How does your daughter feel about it?

How late is it? If it is a school night surely she wouldn't be out later that 8ish to walk the dog? And how does she feel about it? Does she have the confidence to say 'No' to her Dad or to at least ask him to walk with her?

And exactly how 'unsafe' is the neighbourhood?

Lots of factors to take into account, but if she is feeling unhappy about it the best thing is to coach her into being more confident about speaking to her father directly.

I think in this situation if your daughter is happy then it’s not unreasonable for her father to allow it. You can’t control how he parents when you are separated. It’s up to your daughter. I’d concentrate on speaking to her about being aware and having a phone/alarm handy.

How does your daughter feel about it? Did the crime involve being attacked by a stranger or in the dark? Would the dog do anything to defend her?

It feels wrong to me that so many women think that going out by selves or after dark isn't safe. We must be able to change that; avoiding going out won't change it.

Age 15 is not a small girl even if she is physically small. It implies a younger child.

I don't see an issue with her walking the dog in lit streets for 30 minutes. What time are we talking about?

How does she go and meet her friends of an evening? More importantly, how does she feel about this? Is she happy to be out with the dog?

Loads of younger children walk home from after school stuff in the dark.

You shouldn't be making your daughter feel she needs a chaperone.

It's difficult for people to give advice on how to deal with it, though, if they think your position sounds unreasonable. I completely understand that you have reasons we don't know for feeling as you do, but to me, as a complete stranger, your worries about a girl of that age walking a dog after dark seem extreme. So I don't know how I can help you persuade your husband that you're right when, on the face of it, I don't think you are.

What breed of dog?

I'm sorry I'm not sure I agree either. In the winter 'after dark' can be 5pm - where do you draw the line?

How late and where is she walking? Around suburban streets or down isolated country lanes?

Did she not walk anywhere alone at 4/5pm in the depth of winter? To the shops/ friends houses/ home from school?

My tiny 13yo goes out after dark. She has to get home from school in the winter. She also gets vto and from dance classes which finish at 7. We also live on the edge of London. Your DD needs to learn how to keep herself safe in such situations. She can't avoid the dark forever.

What I was implying is there is nothing you can do
I'm sure her dad isn't forcing ghee to go out in the dark
I would be feeling proud of her for having the confidence to carry on with her life despite her previous experience
That takes resilience and should be encouraged
You really don't want her to be a victim all her life

If she’s happy to do it then I can’t see the problem. Surely it’s a good thing that she’s still happy to carry on as normal despite being a victim of crime.

I would worry about my daughter doing it but unfortunately as she is at her Dads at the time I don’t think there’s much you can do

OP, I understand your sentiments completely.
I would worry too.

A female alone in the dark is more vulnerable to danger. I am 46 and I feel vulnerable in dark areas. I've had the pleasure of being dragged into an alley at knife point when I was 19. That has stayed with me. If it weren't for a suspicious passer-by who flagged down police and alerted them to what was going on, maybe I wouldn't be telling you about this. I'll never know.

My point is, there's a reason you're worried and the reason is because we are all aware that there is risk involved in being a lone female in the dark. It would be arrogant to pretend that's not the truth. And your daughter is walking the dog alone at night in a not-so-safe area. Your ex won't play ball and I don't think you'll be able to convince him. I've been in your shoes with my ex. And the reality is, as mothers, we can't dictate what happens on the other parent's turf. All your daughter can do is make a choice that she feels comfortable with and stick to it. She does not have to walk the dog at night if she doesn't want to. Can she not stay on a well-lit, neighbourhood path, close to houses and shops? This will improve her safety.

Talk to her about where she walks and what she can do to protect herself. The type of dog may help her to feel more secure. I've been on towpaths in the dark (which always makes me nervous). I'm always glad I have the dog with me.

She is a very small 15yr old, who has already been a victim of a very serious crime, the details I won't go into.

I wonder why dad isn't on board with your feelings, considering what your DD has been through.

I appreciate your opinions, all of which are interesting but I do have a valid reason and am not being unreasonable in wanting to ensure she is safe.

Maybe if your daughter was threatened by two grown men with a crowbar, has had to under go a year of counselling and has trouble sleeping as a result you may alter you view slightly.

It has taken 6 months of encouragement just to get her to walk home alone after school to an empty house.

Lone females are a target, especially young and alone at night. My police officer friend would not let daughters out alone in the dark in the same neighbourhood... I think that speaks volumes. The dog is not of a size/sort/temperament that would intimidate a stranger.

I didn't allow my daughters to go out alone, with or without our dogs, in the dark, aged 15. Just not worth the risk, however small it is. They had lots of freedom but we've always ferried them around, willingly. I don't drive but never had a problem walking in the dark myself, so I was there for them.

Speak to her like the grown up she nearly is and speak to her Dad. Yes, it should be safe for people to walk alone after dark but sadly, it isn't always, as she unfortunately knows. Better safe than sorry.

So sorry she suffered such a terrible ordeal.

That's just awful, OP.

The thing you must remember is that even though you may not have much of a say where your ex is concerned, your daughter has ALL of the say. She has a choice. And she does not have to go out walking the dog in the dark if she doesn't want to. This is something she should just be able to tell her dad without meeting resistance from him. Why don't they walk the dog together?

If your DD had this issue, then is she happy to go and walk the dog? Or is her father making her?

If she is fine doing it then I don't think you should stop her. If her Dad is making her, that is a different issue.

So sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter.

As asked above, how does SHE feel about walking the dog in the dark? It may be that she sees it as progress after her therapy.

However, if she doesn't like it then of course, she shouldn't have to do it and surely her Dad wouldn't make her do something she is afraid of?