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Original poster

Problem with friend and my partner

43 replies

Susiedirizhor · 13/03/2018 10:09

I have been married for 3 years and with my partner for 5 years before that. Prior to this relationship I shared a flat with a friend for about 15 years. We were absolutely best friends and did everything together. Our relationship was only ever platonic. When I met my wife my flat mate was upset and avoided spending any time with me and my partner - initially not hard as my partner lived about 6 hours drive away. When I moved home my flat mate still wanted to spend time with me on my own and refused to come and spend time with us. This has been the case for 8 years now. In January she did come to visit and I thought it was all great and things were going to get better. Only they haven’t. They have got worse. My friend’s birthday has been a problem date for years and this year was now exception. She wanted me to spend it with her. My wife invited her to spend it with us and even booked a cottage for us all to stay in. Friend refused. She has refused to return any messages from my wife and has now said she understands she will never see me again but continues to want to speak to me at length daily. My wife says she can’t tolerate this and asks me not to speak to my friend. My friend says my wife is controlling me and I should stand up for myself. I can’t bear to hurt anyone and feel really stuck and don’t know what to do. Please give me helpful advice!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Susiedirizhor · 13/03/2018 10:46

I've pandered to her because I feel sorry for her. Also I know she is having major surgery fairly soon and I feel bad about abandoning her right now.

OP posts:

RebootYourEngine · 13/03/2018 10:52

It sounds like your wife has tried to be friendly to your friend but your friend has been a bitch of a cow to your wife. So now your wife has said that your friend is damaging to your relationship so you should rethink your friendship if you want to be with your partner.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 13/03/2018 10:53

Is your friend single? Could she see you as a kind-of substitute girlfriend or something? Not necessarily sexual but she seems to feel she has a claim to your time that is not normal in a friendship

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joystir59 · 13/03/2018 11:04

Where is your loyalty to your wife? I would call your friendship an emotional affair. I would support my close friends through anything BUT my friends totally respect my wife and the support is reciprocated.

joystir59 · 13/03/2018 11:04

You are lucky your wife has been so patient.

Original poster

Susiedirizhor · 13/03/2018 11:10

Ok i feel properly told off now. Sorry for asking.

OP posts:

Thistlebelle · 13/03/2018 11:13

Your friend is manipulative, controlling and desperate to break up your marriage.

Your wife seems incredibly forbearing.

If you are married your primary relationship should be with your wife. Spending large amounts of time messaging someone else doesn’t square with that.

You married your wife, made a lifetime commitment to her. Did you mean your vows?

If so cut ties with this toxic friend.

brewsandbooks · 13/03/2018 11:22

Your wife isn't being controlling , she has made an effort for 8 years and has had enough I would be exactly the same,

Sorry your friend is being very manipulative

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 13/03/2018 11:24

Don't apologise to us!
It sounds like it was useful that you posted.
Have a think, if you are up for it, about why you feel so easily pushed and pulled between people, and whether you find it hard to work out what you want for yourself, and stand up for yourself.
I don't think anyone's intended to tell you off.
We're maybe just thinking how it would feel to be in your wife's shoes. Once you've had a bit of a think you can hopefully talk to your wife about it all and listen to it from her perspective.

Original poster

Susiedirizhor · 13/03/2018 11:47

Thank you all for your opinions/perspectives and advice. I do know that I find it difficult to workout what I actually want for me and make it so. Have always been like that and now I feel I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I love my wife beyond words but I care very deeply about my damaged friend and don't want to abandon her. Will go away and think some more.

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/03/2018 12:02

You're not abandoning your friend though. All you want is to maintain a friendship on terms that are fair to you and your wife. Your friend can't dictate that. She's created this impossible situation herself by being so damn difficult. You are not her possession.

What are her reasons for disliking your wife and refusing to have any communication with her? If you don't know, then find out. I can't help thinking that a good friend would be happy that you'd met a partner, not refusing to speak to you or meet up for 8 years!
Sorry but I think she's being pretty self absorbed and immature.

FlyingMonkeys · 13/03/2018 12:14

Read through your original post OP. It sounds like your wife has been as accommodating to your friend as possible, whilst your friend has stamped her foot like a child to try to manipulate her own way.

Your wife after 8yrs has finally said enough is enough. Your friend has responded by stating you're being controlled... yes, you are by your friend!

Your friend may be damaged as you stated. But is it worth losing your marriage over? I'll be honest your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend to me - she isn't putting you first OP so don't play into it.

fruitlovingmonkey · 13/03/2018 12:36

Your wife has been very patient but it seems to have made the situation worse.
DH had a pseudo relationship with a female friend before we got together. When I arrived on the scene she rejected any attempts to spend time with her but still expected him to be her platonic date on various events and holidays. She didn’t invite me to anything and was busy whenever I invited her but always free when I was out of town.
I pointed this out to DH and he slowly realised what she was doing. It came to a head when he chose to spend time with me instead of her on her birthday. The friendship turned sour but it just showed up what a user she was. There was no sexual motive or love, she just liked having a pseudo boyfriend at her beck and call.
I can’t believe your wife has tolerated this childish behaviour for so long. She deserves a medal.

Branleuse · 13/03/2018 12:56

Your friend is blatantly in love with you and is being very possessive. She is acting like shes been cheated on.

Your wife is more patient than I would be

Thistlebelle · 13/03/2018 23:56

If you don’t want to abandon your friend then you need to be much much more assertive.

Stop letting her control the relationship. Draw your own lines of engagement.

If she refuses to see you with your wife that’s her choice it’s not you abandoning her.

Are you willing to risk you marriage for this person?

EJonesx · 13/03/2018 23:58

Definitely the friend is at fault!! Sounds horrible! Your wife is patient to even be trying. I bloody wouldn't.

windchimesabotage · 14/03/2018 00:01

Your friend is behaving strangely and being controlling not your wife!
Your friend needs to respect your relationship not force you to choose between her and your wife. That is really not the behaviour of someone who cares about you and is really your friend.
Its fair enough to want occasional one on one time with an old friend but it is not fair enough to demand to only ever see a friend without their spouse. That is downright disrespectful and odd.

Ski40 · 16/03/2018 19:51

If that was me I would always put my wife first. Your friend demanding all this alone time with you and being horrible to her really is not Ok. You made vows to her, and your friend needs to accept this. Your wife shouldn't have to stand for this sort of treatment. If my OH dared to put a friend's feelings above mine I'm afraid I wouldn't stick around for long.
Good luck, I do feel for you.

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