Hello, I'm looking for some advice please as I really don't know what to do...
3 years ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, which resulted in having a trachelectomy (removal of cervix).
As the way the abnormal cells were growing was a very rare case and the doctors wouldn't know until I was in surgery exactly how far the cells were, I didn't know if I would wake up from surgery with or without my womb.
The thought of losing my fertility was devastating and I knew if that happened it would break me...fortunately the cells were 1mm away from my womb and the surgery was a success! I felt like the luckiest person in the world!
I've (touching wood) had all clear results since!
I was in an 8 year relationship at the time, which unfortunately went downhill at the same time as the diagnosis...we broke up just over 2 years ago and now I've moved on.
I'm now 32 and really really want children...I've been with my new partner (who's 26) for around 18 months.
Our relationship is a little unconventional...he's just bought a house alone an hour away, closer to work and I'm house hunting to buy a house on my own for the time being...I'm happy with this as want my own security and to be independent, a lesson learned after the last relationship breakdown.
My problem is, I was hoping to start trying for a baby in around a year...I love my partner so much and can see a great future together and everything just feels different with him compared any previous relationships.
I'm panicking about my age and fertility and know that there's a risk the cancer could come back and also with no cervix it's more difficult to conceive and risk of miscarriage is higher.
I know that after 35 fertility becomes more difficult too...I've talked to my partner about this...unfortunately he's not great with voicing emotions and finds it tough talking about feelings, which makes it more difficult.
He's not ready for a baby and at this stage thinks to start trying in a year or 2 is too soon for him.
The last thing I want to do is pressure him to having a baby when he's not ready and understand his concerns...
He talks about the idea of me moving into his house in the future and I know sees a future together, we love each other a lot. He's scared of the idea of kids but does want them, he just doesn't know when.
I'm scared if I stay with him and wait for him to be ready that then we won't be able to conceive and that would be devastating. Or worse that in 3-5 years it won't work out and I'll be childless.
The last thing we want is to break up...he said he does see a future together but has commitment issues, he sympathises with my situation but doesn't want to rush into having children when he's not ready (which I totally understand).
I'm having a dilemma about whether I should stay with him and potentially miss out on having children if he's not ready in a few years or if I should leave, although I really don't want to leave as I love him so much! I don't want to be with anyone else!
I wish we could just relax and let things run the natural course without any pressure but due to my past health issues, I feel a huge weight hanging over me.
He's a really good guy and we want the best for each other, he said he will try to be ready in a year or 2 but can't promise he will be and the last thing he wants is to hurt me or leave me childless but just simply isn't ready...which I do understand.
Should I stay with him and wait, hope and pray? Or should we finish things now, as heartbreaking as that would be?
Or is all this panic completely unreasonable?