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Original poster

Refusing to attend partner’s gran’s funeral

14 replies

84teacher · 03/03/2018 12:17

When my partner’s grandfather passed away before Christmas I supported him by taking a day off work and attending the funeral.

His ex also attended which I initially had no issue with - they were together 10 years and had separated 3 years before. However, how she dressed and behaved at the funeral really annoyed me: plastered in make-up, hair done (she spent the majority of the time flicking her long hair in a vain manner), designer coat, boots, gloves and bag (flashing Gucci and Michael Kors labels to everyone). During the burial I stood back to allow close family members a view - more respectful I thought- but she moved forward and stood next to my boyfriend, placing her arm around him and head on his shoulder! At the wake she appeared to be flirting with my boyfriend and his other family members, I was completely ignored by my boyfriend, his family and friends and instead sat talking to a couple I didn’t know for the entire afternoon.

I decided not to make a fuss of this, and had to bite my tongue as compliments were paid to my boyfriend regarding how stunning she looked later on in the evening when a small party of family members suggested we go out for a meal.

I’m not going to lie, I felt threatened, jealous and pushed out. I know I shouldn’t have taken it to heart, it was a funeral after all.

The dilemma now is that his Grandmother has just passed away, I’m thinking of making an excuse such as “I can’t get the day off work” because I really do not want to attend. I don’t plan to tell my partner that the reason I won’t attend is because I’m jealous of his ex-girlfriend, but I feel that if she tries this again I may lose my temper.

So in essence, I have refused to attend a family funeral. What would you do?

OP posts:

RoseAndRose · 03/03/2018 12:20

I would still go. Your DP still needs your support.

Don't hang back out of misplaced ideas of respect. You are there to support your DP and you stand with him, wherever he wants to stand.

MrsJayy · 03/03/2018 12:21

She sounds a total drama queen but she is his ex for a reason she is just showing herself up you have nothing to worry about, go to the funeral and if she starts her nonsense just sigh and roll your eyes.

Saz1995 · 03/03/2018 12:22

I would still go personally

MrsJayy · 03/03/2018 12:22

Don't hang back out of misplaced ideas of respect. You are there to support your DP and you stand with him, wherever he wants to stand

^^ this

HonkyWonkWoman · 03/03/2018 13:18

Just go! Bite your tongue! It sounds as though she is trying to annoy you and "get at" your boyfriend in a "look at what your missing" way.
Just think: Well, yeah, love, he pissed you off and he's with me now!!!!!!!!!!

AnnaMagnani · 03/03/2018 13:24

You have to go. But remind your DP that he can't ignore you and start flirting with her if she turns up - agree some sort of signal between you like kicking him in the shins to remind him of your existance and to introduce you to people.

Also, no-one flashes Michael Kors

Confusedbeetle · 03/03/2018 13:32

You absolutely must go. I might gently mention to DP that you want to be with him and support him , which was a little difficult with the ex taking centre stage. Most people will see through her behaviour. If she does it again ignore her. Be super supportive, people are grieving. You do need to contain your hurt, other family members will be angry if you make a fuss, and hurt if you dont go

Catinthecorner · 03/03/2018 13:56

Your post paints someone in an unflattering light, and it’s not the ex.

You do know it’s not about you right? It’s a family funeral. It’s not the job of the grieving family to fuss over you. Your job in this is to support your DP and his family. If you can’t do that, you are right to stay away.

And please stop being such a judgmental cow about the ex. As far as I can tell from your post she made an effort to look groomed and appropriately dressed for the funeral (most people would do this), she stepped up and supported your DP when you didn’t (aren’t you pleased he had someone supporting him?) and socialised with the family at the wake (again normal).

It sounds like you were invited to the family meal (dispite vanishing off and sulking) and she wasn’t. He’s with you not her. I don’t understand why you seem so jealous and rude.

Butterymuffin · 03/03/2018 14:00

aren’t you pleased he had someone supporting him?

Oh come on. Attending the funeral and saying nice things, yes, but the draping herself over him during the burial bit was not good. I wouldn't do this with an ex, and especially not if I knew their new partner was there.

How did he react to this OP? Because she could do whatever she wanted but if he ignored it, it doesn't much matter. Did you feel he responded to it or encouraged her attention?

Ginger1982 · 03/03/2018 14:07

Catinthecorner are you the ex??? 🙄

OP, I think you should still go but don't hang back in the shadows. Be up there with your DP and give him the support. The fact they were together 10 years does mean, I suppose, that she knows his family well, perhaps better than you. How long have you been together?

AnnieOH1 · 03/03/2018 14:08

I might be playing devils advocate here and I'm only thinking from my own experience with ex's but if I were in her shoes and saw my ex stood alone and his now partner nowhere near, at a graveside, I'm not sorry to say I would do exactly the same as she did. She knew the deceased for a long time and may have been very close to him, she may also have been in need of some support over his death.

blaaake · 03/03/2018 14:11

If she's flashing Michael Kors labels she's not really doing herself any favours tbh

Sarsparella · 03/03/2018 14:11

Would you prefer she’d turned up looking like something the cat dragged in, dirty clothes, messy unbrushed hair, stinking of stale cigs?

Most people do make an effort to look smart and well presented for a funeral, I think you’re reaction says more about you than her

Original poster

84teacher · 03/03/2018 20:25

Just to add a little bit of history here: they had been together for 10 years, since their early 20s, so yes they have history, and yes she knows his family and knew the deceased much better. We have been together for almost 3 years, they separated shortly before. I think she hoped for a reconciliation but we met a few months after they separated. Since we got together she has tried to split us up a few times; once by contacting me to fill me with lies about him and try to put me off (when we first started dating), another time because she spread lies about us to mutual friends (accused me of cheating on him, because she’d seen me out in a car with another man - my brother), she has also stalked me on social media and slashed the tyres of my car (we had it on cctv, he wouldn’t let me report it to the police).

Yes, I am jealous of her to some extent, she is visually stunning albeit vain and high maintenance. And no, I don’t expect her to turn up looking a mess - but she looked like she had turned up for a night out on the town, that is the issue... there’s a difference between looking smartly presented and overdoing it.

As for not standing by him during the burial: his sister’s husband was stood beside me, as was his uncle’s girlfriend. When the space around the coffin is limited during the burial I think it is polite to give priority to direct family; when she moved to stand with him, she stood IN FRONT OF his dead grandfather’s brother and sister... in their wheelchairs! That is inappropriate, would you not agree catinthecorner? It sounds like I have really angered you with this, are you his ex stalking me again?

OP posts:

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