What would you do - 9yr old DD comes to our bed every night

[marriotmum]

This is an ongoing issue for a while now. DD is coming to our bed every single night without fail. She did not used to do this when little and up until age 6ish. It feels like a habit and as if her biological clock is tuned to waking up at more or less the same time every night. (between 1-3am)

We talked about this loads - I am constantly asking her why does she think it is happening and what needs to change so that she does not wake up or come to our room. All she say is that she can not control waking up (fair enough) and when she does, she feels so scared alone in her room.

We are very patient about this, don't make a big deal and have never been strict about kids coming to our bed, luckily we also have a huge bed so up until recently it was not always noticeable or interfering with our sleep. However she does always go to DH side and snug up with him but his sleep is deeper than mine. if it was my side, I would have not lasted a week.

When we try to take her back in the middle of the night, she does not willingly go and asks us to stay and stay and almost keeps herself awake just not to let go. Then we end up spending long minutes (sometime an hour!) and mostly fail as she does not go back to sleep. Rarely it works. The is tough on us as we are a busy parents with full time work and must get a decent night sleep.

Now we are at a point when enough is enough and we need to crack this. Mostly I am concerned there are underlying psychological issues to this behaviour. I have no clue why though as DD is a delightful child, top of her class, popular and have good friendships at school and a very talented gymnast with an intense training programme. I don't notice any particular anxieties or behaviour issues during the day that raises any concerns.

Not sure if this is relevant, we have a DS as well age 13. He is fine although he used to do the same for a few years but only when he was very little and then just grow out of the habit by himself, which is partly why we let this go on for so long as we hoped the same will happen with DD. And maybe one day it will.. but at the monet, 3 years is, we feel this needs to be addressed.

I would welcome any advice you may have or specific child therapy that you think might help. We are simply desperate.

Many thanks

This was me when I was that age. It was anxiety and an overactive imagination. My parents put a mattress on the floor and o grew out of it. A strict approach would not have worked in my case - I just couldn't shut down again once awake.

As a child I used to wake in the night. I knew it was futile waking / going into my parents so I learnt not to make a fuss.
I felt lonely and isolated - but learnt to cope. I was/am loved and not neglected but i ended up feeling quite detached from my parents. I don't know if that's why.