Was this rape?

[AngelInTheSnow]

Name change for this. I can't sleep trying to work this out.

When I was a teenager I was in a relationship with an older man.

Now I'm in my 30s I can see it was an abusive relationship ie : didn't want me going out with friends, checking up on me constantly, tantrums if I tried to advance my career or exercise, daily put downs and name calling and taking all my money... I see that.

What I never saw him as was a rapist. However I've woken up in the middle of the night and this incident has popped into my brain.

I was on the phone to a new friend. He didn't like me having friends in general and I certainly was made to feel bad talking / going out with any. This new friend he approved of however as he had heard of her as a couple of years before she had tried to make it as a singer. Back before I knew her, he had commented on how he found her attractive, so it was funny I ended up getting to know her years later.

Suddenly he starts trying to pull my trousers and knickers off. I slapped his hands away and moved to sit somewhere else. He then follows and carried on trying , grinning like it was a game. I signalled at him to stop being an idiot but he carries on so I'm moving around my flat, still talking and batting him away.

When I realise he actually isn't going to stop, I don't hang up or say anything to my friend. Instead I run out of the front room and try to get into the bathroom where there is a lock. I almost make it and try to shut the door but he pulls me by the hair out .

Again I do not scream with pain or end my phone call. I can't explain why it's almost like it was a safety net. Anyway I go back to the front room and sit down pretending nothing is happening, still listening to my friend.

I remember being shocked he actually manage to get my trousers and knickers off as I was pressing my bum down hard into the sofa and holding on as he tugged them. I tried to stop him but he managed to enter me. Again I just stay on the phone. He's just having sex with me and I'm resigned to it. Eventually my friend says are you ok you sound weird? I said yes and eventually the conversation wraps up.

Nothing is then said and we carry on for years.

So what was that?

That's rape angel. I'm so sorry.

What do you feel you should do next? Have you anyone to talk to?

I really don't know. I'm quite shocked really.

I feel stupid I stayed on the phone. I doubt I will report . I really feel staying on the phone is ridiculous and unbelievable thing to do...

I might talk to my best friend who knew he awful back then but not loads of details as she lived away. I never saw myself as someone who was raped . I really don't know how I feel

Just bumping this as I know there are others who will help you on this.

And no, you weren't ridiculous staying on the phone. Don't doubt yourself or take any blame in any way.

Thank you Polly

Im so sorry but thats definitely rape, you tried to stop him he ignored and carried on. People deal with these situations differently fight ot flight.

You were in noway ridiculous or unbelievable staying on the phone. I urge you to speak to someone, a helpline, friend or relative. It can affect your live in ways youd never of imagined if you keep it bottled it. Whether you decide to report it or not is your decision.

Thank you all.

I called my best friend. She was shocked but just listened. She was very distracted as her dc was screaming the whole time.

I think I will phone the phone line when my visiting guests have left. I really am quite shocked that you all agree. I do want to talk about it just to process. I haven't told my husband. He would want to find him which neither of us need.

We all think we’d fight or scream but in some cases you just freeze and you probably thought ‘just get it over with!’ That does not make what he did less awful.