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WWYD... suspicious husband

24 replies

welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:02

DH comes from a family of liars. You name it, they lie about it. The type of people who would work twice as hard to scam some money (FIL's accident claims were many until he lost a case and then he shut up) that just do a day's work for a day's pay.

DH is not a liar. He is the most honest person I know. But , presumably die to his background, he questions EVERYTHING. Every. Little. Thing.

This morning for example, I had a toasted tea cake. It was too thick to go in the toaster so I sliced it into three and toasted just the bottom and the top. DH wanders in and mentions he wanted a bun and I have had the last two. I say I haven't, I've left one. He says no, I'm eating one and there is half of one on the side. I that I haven't, that the piece he has seen is a third and tell him to go look in the cupboard. He continues to argue. All the time DS is there listening I DON'T WANT HIM GROWING UP THINKING THIS IS NORMAL!

Eventually I get up, show DH the remaining bun. Show him that the piece he saw was the middle third. DH says nothing. He never apologises.

This happens EVERY DAY. Not about buns, but about anything. He was going to a shop yesterday and I knew it closed at 6. He was cutting it fine. I mentioned this. Immediately he gets on his phone to check up on what I had said and then triumphantly announced it was open until . It wasn't. He was looking at the right shop but wrong location. If it were for him I would have said nothing, let him find out the hard way, but it was a purchase for DS. Again I had to get up and show him. Again no apology.

This constant checking up is wearing. He is getting worse as he gets older. If I say "X is on TV tonight" he used to just pick up his phone to check (it's ridiculous) but now he says "no it's not" and then checks and then doesn't apologise when he finds out I'm right.

It's getting to the stage where I daren't talk when DS is around because I don't want him picking up the negativity. I've talked to him, DH, but he just says it isn't true, he doesn't do that!

What do I do?

OP posts:
welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:05

Sorry for typos. Upset.

OP posts:
DriggleDraggle · 27/01/2018 12:05

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DriggleDraggle · 27/01/2018 12:06

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Secretlifeofme · 27/01/2018 12:07

That sounds really irritating and quite soul-destroying to live with, OP. Have you tried picking him up on it immediately as soon as he does it, and explaining how it makes you feel?

restingbemusedface · 27/01/2018 12:07

Have you told him how he makes you feel OP?

welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:07

DriggleDragle I have said that a few times to show DS that you need to apologise. DH sometimes will, begrudgingly, (MIL once told me she had never apologised in her life and wasn't going to start now, so I think DH's reluctance comes from his family also) but sometimes argues that he doesn't have to apologise because blah blah blah. DS will pick this up.

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ElspethFlashman · 27/01/2018 12:08

He will grow up thinking this is normal, and he is being taught this is how men are to women. He is being raised to believe that when a woman asserts something, you double check cos she's not 100% trustworthy.

welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:08

Yes, I've told him. He says it's my fault because "I pick fights". I think I am supposed to just keep quiet.

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ElspethFlashman · 27/01/2018 12:09

And it's time to stop using his family background as context. There comes a time when it just doesn't matter. He is making choices every day, almost every hour, to show you and your son how little he trusts you.

He is dedicated to it. It is his main domestic habit. That takes commitment.

welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:09

ElspethFlashman Exactly. I cut off FIL and MIL when DS was born because I didn't want the bad influence, and now DH is just as bad.

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welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:12

So what can I do? Anything?

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MsHomeSlice · 27/01/2018 12:12

he's not suspicious, he's obnoxious

I wouldn't stand for it tbh, and would have already challenged him every single time, so he'd be so over with this shit he wouldn't dare even think about doubting me.

But now he blames you for this...I think you are done tbh, unless he is prepared to totally change his attitude.

welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:14

He is going away with work for three weeks and I am looking forward to it. DS and I will have no drama.

I was thinking of not contacting him, or, when he rings, not giving him any news because he would only accuse me of something, but then if I say that he will saying I am picking a fight.

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welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:15

MsHomeSlice I don't want to have big rows in front of DS.

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ElspethFlashman · 27/01/2018 12:15

I'm not sure there's much you can do to someone so much in denial.

He doesn't have a problem you see. You do. It's your problem. Too narky, too sensitive.

Other than mind control, there's no way to show or convince him.

This is who he is. This is the behaviour you will live with for the rest of your life. This is his character. And he's getting worse.

So I suppose your only choice is to go to your own personal counselling and unlock your thoughts on it.

welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:15

He's got worse since I cut off his parents. Maybe I'm being punished.

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ElspethFlashman · 27/01/2018 12:16

If you find those 3 weeks are more beneficial for yourself and your son than when he is at home, you have your answer.

welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:18

Right, yes, I suppose so.

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DriggleDraggle · 27/01/2018 12:18

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welcomehome · 27/01/2018 12:22

I've noticed he rarely does it with other people. Just keeps his head down and says nothing or queries it politely (Is it? Oh right) like a normal person. It's as if he is scared of other people.

He once said something about my mum and I screamed at him. I've never known such anger! I shouted that at least my mum was honest unlike his who was a shoplifting old bag who can't open her mouth with telling a lie blah blah and DH was horrified. He never said another word about my mum again.

If DS weren't around all the time I would do this re the checking up and denying, but I can't.

OP posts:
userabcname · 27/01/2018 12:30

I personally think you should challenge him in front of your son. Otherwise surely you are just reinforcing his behaviour?

DriggleDraggle · 27/01/2018 14:32

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iceallmighty · 27/01/2018 14:37

Call him out in it every time in a really calm manner.
Next time he questions you and then does it politely ask him if he meant to be so rude and assume your stupid?
See what he answers to that.
And again the same the next time.
If he carries on I would then say that it's getting tedious now and if he carries on talking to you like it you maybe evaluate your situation.

That should make him think.
Tell him he's not being a very good role model for his son and just because that's how his parents behaved and taught him doesn't mean it's an acceptable way to treat you.

Thinkingofausername1 · 01/02/2018 17:19

I'd tell him to stop being such a prick. You've already got children, you don't need an extra one!!

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