My daughter just told me she doesn't want to be at home any more

[PingPongBat]

DD is 16, she's just told me she 'doesn't want to be at home any more'.

She won't talk about it, all she's said is that she's realised she's happier at school than at home, but doesn't want to talk about it or say any more about it.

Background - yesterday afternoon I was trying to arrange our summer holiday & I'd taken into account DS's plans (he's 18 & planning a holiday with friends), but I'd failed to take into account her plans: she wants to be here when her friends come back from a long trip abroad. I initially said I wasn't sure if I could book it so she could be back in time, but as soon as I said it I could see how much it meant to her as she got really upset. She said that it showed that we care for DS more than her & we take more notice of him, his needs, what he's doing. Basically that we prefer him.

I rearranged the dates so she could be here to meet them, I let her know that I’d done this, & said I was really sorry for not considering her wishes, that it was wrong of me. (She’d mentioned wanting to meet them at the airport the other week, so I really should have had an idea that this would be important to her, & I’m kicking myself about this).

I'm devastated that she feels we prefer DS, as it's just not true at all. She's mentioned this before but I always got the impression it was a passing feeling, and we reassured her that we love them both equally. But now I'm thinking that this feeling has been building up over a long time.

DS & DD are both very different characters, they are 2 years apart in age so at different stages at school etc. She gets just as much attention as he does from me, and I really try to accommodate & I take a step back and don’t fight those little battles that aren’t worth it. DH thinks she gets ‘away with’ a lot more than DS ever did at her age.

She seems generally happy in herself, the usual stress about school and exams, friendships, & she wasn't happy with her mock results, but
we've always said to her that if she does her best we will be happy whatever she achieves at school.

How do I sort this mess out? Does she really mean she hates being at home? How can I convince her that we love her just as much as DS? & do I abandon our holiday plans or book in the hope that she feels differently in the summer?

Shit - I'm shaking, really shocked & terribly sad. I think if I tell DH he's going to get angry with her. I'm not sure who to talk to, how to deal with this.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh I really don't mean it to be. She's 16, a teenager and from what you've described on here that sounds normal to me. Teenagers are, if not anything, known for being dramatic and a statement like "I don't want to be at home any more" sounds like a teenage thing to say (again, this is just from your post, obviously you know the situation better than anyone, if this is in addition to anything else, how long it has been going on for etc). She may not be up for talking about it because realistically what's the alternative? She may like school better but she can't live there unless it's a boarding school.

I don't think you should cancel the holiday. You've already accommodated the dates so she'll get to meet her friends from the airport and if that was the only reason for her to not want to go, then it's resolved.

Most siblings go through feeling like their parents love the other the best. The fact you're posting asking this proves this is not true in your case. You only have to read the amount of threads on here from adults where it is blatantly obvious the parent/s favour siblings over them.

You say she is generally happy so I think you should try to relax and try not to be so sad.

I wouldn't do anything. She's upset and lashing out. Don't make any changes to the holiday. Wait and see how she is for the rest of the week. She's a teenager. She may feel she has to push you away to become independent. She may feel this is the first time you have listened to her saying she prefers her brother and so she's trying to drum that message home. Or it could just as easily be about something unrelated. I wouldn't instigate big conversations about it. Let her come to you.

I'd failed to take into account her plans

In this case, it seems you did give less attention to her wishes than to DS's.
I'm guessing your DD is not actually packing and leaving and I think all you can do is try to stop yourself making similar mistakes in future.

Thank you

Mission that didn't sound harsh at all

I have booked the holiday anyway, after talking to DH, & we return before her friends come back. He was angry with DD (as I suspected he would be). I know he's right when he says she tries to wrap me around her little finger - & she does succeed quite often. My own fault, for being too accommodating - I know I am a lot of the time. I come down on the serious stuff, but I probably let more things go than ideally I should.

Mxyzptlk I already try to take her wishes into account, as much as I can. I may have f**ked up on this occasion, but I guess we're all human . DS's holiday was at the front of my consciousness as he's been discussing it with me a lot in the past 2 or 3 days, but DD's wish to see her friends was mentioned briefly in a fleeting conversation a week or two ago. It's really hard to get it 100% right 100% of the time!

Soo... I had a few glasses of wine with a friend this evening, another parent of a teen girl, and while we were talking it dawned on me that one of the things I think DD's contemplating / concerned about may well be that DS is off to Uni in September. She will miss him a lot - they get on really well & she's been known to end up in his bedroom at 3am to talk/cry if she has a problem she needs to talk through. (She talks to me a lot too - usually when we are in the car driving to or from dancing lessons - moments which I treasure!)

We also talked about how our DDs say things that they know will hurt us, because they are angry with us/someone else/their situation, and that it's not necessarily about the particular issue at hand at that moment. And that they can leave the moment behind and move on, whereas it stays with us for days/weeks afterwards.

Anyway, she gave me a hug & a kiss earlier. I think that was a sorry. Amazing how they can change from one moment to the next. It's exhausting.

TBH she is playing you and she is finding out how far you will bend for her - your dh is right...sorry if it’s nit what you want to hear

You sound like a brilliant parent OP. Trust me, it's her not you! I don't say that meaning she's at fault because teenage years are hard. A teenager attempting to wrap their parent around their little finger? Hold the front page!

Unless it happens all the time I don’t think it’s wrapping you around her little finger. She was upset, you made it right for her as parents do, and so showed her she’s important to you. Seems that that was all that was needed to for her to get over some insecurity/anger/whatever it was at the moment, and she’s ok now.
Don’t overthink it - it sounds like you’ve got a really good relationship

Thank you . I think we do have a good relationship, but she does try to manipulate me on occasion, & I need to make sure I don't give in. DH definitely sees through her more than I do.

It's funny, I dread my DCs growing up and leaving home, but I'm also really looking forward to not parenting them, and enjoying their friendship as adults. I can see glimpses of what it will be like, with both of them. So far it looks alright!