My partner is insecure

[hollyindie]

So I don't know if this is the right place to put this but if anyone can offer advice or anything please please please I'm open to anything!!

I've been with my partner for 18 months or so and I love him dearly and he is the father of our soon to be born baby boy (due next week)

The problem is I feel he is extremely insecure and it's bringing me down and I just don't know what to do anymore 😞 is this normal behaviour and if not how can I change it? I'm suffocating and it's making me not want to be with him Anymore. I want us to be happy family and I don't want to be without him but I just can't cope with the constant check ins and overwhelming amount of pressure to be perfect. I know I'm so lucky to have someone there for me but when is it too much?

So for some examples so you can see what I mean:

1. The second he leaves the house he will text me saying he misses me.
2. He won't go out with his mates anymore he says he wants to be with me all the time.
3. He will check up on me at all times we are not together asking what I'm doing, where I'm going, if I'm back home yet.
4. He won't spend a moment apart if it's our day off together he needs to spend it with me and nothing else. If he could he wouldn't leave the house on his day off he would stay indoors on the sofa with me all day everyday!
5. If he has a day off and I'm at work he will come to my work for lunch together, he will tell me all day he is so bored because I'm not there but when I suggest things to him he just says he wants to be with me.
6. He keeps getting in trouble at work for finishing early, when I ask him what he is playing at he says he just wants to be home. (This is his 3rd job since knowing him because the other jobs meant he was up too early so didn't see me or finished too late and I'd be in bed already)
7. Me and my family always have a day in week we meet for a coffee for some family time and now he will ask what day that week we going so he can come.
8. If my phone rings or I get a text he is on it straight away telling me who text me/called me when I don't even care about it. I'm not one to sit on my phone all the time and leave it anywhere but the second someone contacts me he needs to know who, what, why. This is so bad that he feels he has to do this when he gets a message or something he will read them out to me... I don't care who messaged him I trust him a million percent.

I'm 9 months pregnant I'm literally due in 3 days! Surely I should be the insecure one not him?! I am worried that when baby comes and I can't give him all the attention it will become worse

Sounds like he needs a chat with the GP because this sounds deep rooted

Ps another thing he always does is tells me he loves me.
He tells me about 20+ times a day. He will call me and tell me then when he gets off the phone he will text me to tell me again the second he hangs up.

I love him I know he loves me I feel he only says it so I say it to him but I'm getting to point where I don't want to tell him anymore because it's just words now.

I know I'm so lucky to have someone there for me

This isn't lucky, it's controlling. It sounds like he's trying to erode any independence you have, any connection with other friends or family. It's not about insecurity, its about control. You are at an especially vulnerable point, about to have a baby, and you will need as much support as you can get, and he seems determined to make sure you don't have an opportunity to get that away from him.

He sounds as if he has deep issues, but they aren't your problem. This doesn't come from love for you but a need to control you.

This is not about him being insecure, it's him being massively controlling.

Huge red flags everywhere. Sorry OP, I think you need to talk to some people in real life because you will need support once baby has arrived and I very much doubt it will come from him.

Thank you for your quick replies!
I never thought about control issues I only seen it as insecurity but I guess when you look at it as a whole it could be something more controlling.

Do you think this is something I should bring up with him and try and make him aware of his behaviour or talk to my family instead first?

It's up to you but I would talk to family only at this stage (are you close to Mum or female relatives?) and get birth out of the way first and support network established. You have enough going on with first baby! Monitor how he is with baby (and YOU) after birth but don't forget it or put it down to new baby nerves, this really is quite worrying behaviour.

And make sure you keep seeing your family one day a week, don't let him isolate you. Good luck.

Did his ex cheat on him by any chance?

Does he have any friends of his own? I know my DH is fair short of them and he would do anything to spend every day with me please no

Not close to my Mam, my dad brought me up but my sister is my best friend so I think I'll be able to speak to her about things I know she is great to talk to with anything I need and she only lives 5 minutes away so will be great support with baby. Thank you for your support your advice been great :)

He hasn't ever mentioned about being cheated on in the past, he had a serious relationship before me to which he has a daughter from who is a real sweetheart - but now you say about his behaviour I feel it's changed even with her. So Sunday's we have her and this Sunday I can't be there in the afternoon as I have a sweep at a different midwife centre so will have to drive to other side of town. Not an issue for me at all but he is talking about not going to have her for the day because he wants to come to the appointment with me ( I had my first sweep on Tuesday and he was at work so it's not like I need him there)

I said we can have her as normal but I will have to take the car at 1 till half 2ish to have my appointment so he will have to stay indoors and watch a movie or do something local or I can drop them off somewhere for a couple of hours but he wants to cancel the whole day with her??

He sounds suffocating. No wonder you're going mad. Has he always been like this? or has he got worse?

You need to sit him down and tell him how abnormal his behaviour is and how suffocated it makes you feel.

He sounds awful, and a shit parent to boot.

What would happen if you didn’t comply with his control, eg didn’t text him or answer your phone?

Polarbear46
He had loads of friends when we met he was out all the time or round one of his mates. Now he won't even speak to them even tho I know they try and get him out (I've had one call me asking if he can go out to which I said I'm not his mother he is a grown man he can do what he wants)

Saladdays66
He always was very "lovey dovey" but he would be independent and honour and do things. He moved into my house about a year ago and since then he has become more and more like this

Dozer
I never thought he was a shit parent - he loves her to bits and always supports her either financially or emotionally and will drop anything to be with her normally I just don't understand why he would behave that way all of a sudden especially as it will be the last time him and her will be just him and her before baby comes along. I thought it would've been lovely them having daddy daughter day before a big change for her happens too.

If I ignore his message or phone call (I went for a nap this morning and didn't mention it to him as it was accidental nap) I get bombarded with messages and calls. He will ring and ring me until i answer or text me "call me ASAP need to talk" as if it's an emergency and I am too soft to not ring incase it is an emergency

That is totallyunacceptable behaviour: did you tell him never to do that again?

How many nights a week does he have his daughter? Has he consistently paid full maintenance to his ex?

It’s shit parenting to cancel contact time because your DP can’t be there. Perhaps it’s a one off. Am a bit suspicious because a fair few times have heard RL friends dating a divorced man complimenting the man on his parenting, eg “loves the DC soooo much” when the man does bugger all actual parenting, only sees the DC every other weekend (by choice) and tries to minimise maintenance.

Maybe he is overcompensating as his last relationship broke down and he doesn't live with his child anymore so he is trying far too hard to make sure this relationship lasts. I'm trying to be kind here. This is unhealthy and needs to stop. If he is going as far as wanting to sacrifice time with his child to be with you, he may become jealous of the new baby for taking your time and attention away from him.

Dozer
I totally agree with you that it's a shit move to drop time with his daughter and I'm not happy that he even suggested it. I've told him that isn't on and he isn't putting a 10 min appointment above a whole day with his girl. He has always paid for his daughter (granted I can't answer for times before he knew me but ever since we been together he has paid)

And he has always had her every Wednesday night for tea/sleepover and takes her to school Thursday and then Sunday he has her too

Have you talked to him about this? Does he know how much it pisses you off?

Major red flags OP. This is manipulative and controlling behaviour and will only get worse. You need to stamp it out now. Tell him he's suffocating you. (He will probably guilt trip you) just tell him that he either packs this behaviour in or you're leaving. He's acting like a child not a man x

Yes, these are major red flag. He's reducing your world to just him.

If it's based in insecurity, he needs to get counseling, but usually these are signs of a controlling man who will turn to abuse.