Unexpectedly pregnant again and need advice

[Anonymoussue]

Hi everyone, I'm posting here because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this (apart from my husband but we are both stuck) can I please ask for no judgement or insulting comments, I am really in need of some advice.

I have a daughter who has just turned 1 and I'm going back to work next month. I have just found out I'm pregnant again. We have no help around and my daughter will be in full time childcare as we both work full time. We can not afford another baby, daughter would be 1y9m when it was born, I'd be off for a year and then both babies would need full time child care which obviously we can't afford. We'd be so skint I'd have to have both babies at home with me full time and I just don't think I could cope with that. In fact I know I couldn't. Short of giving up my job, which I don't want to do, I don't see a way we can keep this baby, but if there was any way we could (that didn't mean me looking after them both 24/7), I would. Has anyone been in a similar position? What advice can you offer? Sorry this is so long

There is always a way. We were in a similar situation, the baby was planned but we couldn't really afford it.

Shift work was our answer. Whilst the DC's were very young we had to do basically opposite shifts (a bit of overlap) family time was limited, but you have to remember that in the preschool years, everything is reasonably temporary, it's not like it's going to be that way for the next 10 years, it's just rough in the short term.

Ours are 4 & 6 now, both at school and things are great. It's short-term pain for long-term gain - you can do it!

If you can't afford full time childcare and can do it yourself I see your options are:

• can anyone else help with child care? Grandparents?

-will your partner go pt or SAH? -can you work shift/flexibly around one another to minimise childcare need?

• carry on with plan a and terminate this pregnancy.

In your position I woukd go for the last option. I'm a SAHM with a small age gap and I love it but it is absolutely not something I would want to do under sufferance. If you and your partner both want and need to keep your jobs, you have no family help and can't afford ft childcare for two dc then there can't be two dc.

Thank you @SnowiestMountain @InDubiousBattle I am pretty much in the exact situation you describe, InDubiousBattle. I can't see a way other than termination, but I am really struggling to accept that and go through with it. The nature of our jobs isn't shift work. Neither of us would want to be SAH and even if we did, living off the one wage would be a struggle too.

So sorry to hear this op , it must be such a difficult time for you . How far along are you?

Would you be able to talk to a family planning advisory service like Marie stopes? They don't try to swing you one way or the other

When you go back to work after your 2nd mat leave, your oldest will be almost 3, which is when the 30 hours free childcare kicks in. So you might have a few months when you have to tighten your belts but hopefully 30 hours free may help a lot

In your situation I would advice you to terminate. It would put a great deal of additional stress, both mentally and financially, to have another child at this point. From what you write it sounds like the risks of having a another child within less than a year are not worth the happiness and wellbeing of you and your family.

Okay, that last sentence came out weird. I meant to say the risks to the happiness and wellbeing of you all.

We had a nanny share with a friend with one child, so we paid for 2/3 of a nanny. It was much cheaper than two sets of nursery fees, although we are in London where nurseries are more expensive than other places often (but nannies are too).

Have a look at wherever nannies advertise in your area and see what the average hourly rate is. Also look at childminders.

I would personally terminate in your situation, but I know it’s a very difficult decision to make and not right for everyone. I’ve had one in the past when I was much younger and all I felt was relief. My sister had one and became incredibly depressed afterwards and still regrets it to this day. If you don’t feel 100% certain about a termination then think very carefully as it could affect your mental health further down the line. But so could having a child in very difficult circumstances. Sorry my post probably isn’t being very helpful at all. Could you write a list of all the pros and cons for each scenario? It might help you to see the situation in a clearer light

Thanks everyone. @chewiecat the free hours kicks in the term after, so it would be around 6 months with me back at work we'd need to cover (I'd also not be getting paid for 3 months of mat leave).

I will look into childminders and nannies but ultimately I do think the whole situation would be very stressful and put a strain on our family and should I priorities someone who isn't even a person yet ahead of my daughter now. I'm about 5 weeks along, the termination is booked in just under 2 weeks so I'm sat here thinking about what to do during that time! :(

I think that there is absolutely no shame in saying "we cannot do this". Sometimes where there's a will there's a way but in this case there is also a way out.

The awful thing is we have planned when to start trying for the next one, this time next year when the free childcare kicks in and it'll be so much easier on everyone. I just feel really bad about having to make this decision

I believe that some families are eligible for help with childcare costs for 2 year olds. Could you look at those? You may be eligible.

If not, remember that when she turns 3 you'd get 30 hours free childcare, so your costs would decline massively. It might be just 1 expensive year, which you could fund if you knew how much it would be and when it would end. When does she turn 4? My DS is a October birthday so we essentially ended up with an extra year of expensive childcare to pay for. His peers who are August born will start school a year before him, which clearly makes things cheaper.

What about working part time, is that an option? Could your DH drop down to 4 days a week, and you do 3? That could mean you'd only have to pay for 2 days childcare.

Also bear in mind you wouldn't have to be off work for a year - though that may not affect any affordability. I'm only taking 7 months off with my second.

Are you eligible for any benefits?

I do feel for you. My DH and I have just had no2 and we had to wait till ds1 turned 3 (and getting the free 30 hours of childcare) to enable us to afford it, otherwise I'd have been in the same situation as you.

If a termination is the best thing for your family, then there is no shame in it at all. It's a horrible situation for you both and I sympathise.

Really thank you for all the replies, it's been so helpful just to talk things through. There's a few options I could look into that have been mentioned and I will. And I really appreciate the support

Agree with others. If you really want to make it work then it's worth having a really good discussion with your partner - for example can he go part time, do you have family support? If not, termination can be a parenting decision too, about prioritising your existing family over a potential one - I was in a similar position with an unplanned third and found Marie Stopes counsellors really unbiased and helpful.

Fwiw my DS is 11 months now and if I found out I was pregnant now, I will probably do the same.

Also a bit selfishly I am just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as DS is just starting to sleep better, and I've got my old body back etc. I don't think I am ready to go through it all again

So.. no judgment, just a handhold and lots of hugs xx

You’ve gotten great advice here so far and I agree with all of it. There is no shame in terminating if that’s the best thing for your family and you shouldn’t feel weird about trying again in a year either. How old are you? Obviously the older you are the more more difficult it might be to get pregnant again, although you haven’t had a problem thus far. There’s no specific date when your fertility declines but if you’re much over 30 it’s something to consider.

The other thing that struck me in your post was saying that you would be prioritizing a non-person (I’m paraphrasing) over your daughter. I totally agree that it’s not yet a person but I’m not sure having another baby would disadvantage your daughter. Little kids don’t know when you’re skint and as long as you can continue to clothe, feed, and house her she may well enjoy having a sibling close in age. At the very least she would adjust quickly and never remember a time before the child was born. Is she a fairly easy child? Does she sleep well, have a reasonably happy/cooperative disposition? All toddlers are difficult in some ways of course, but if she’s one of the ones that keeps you up at night and tries your patience a lot, it might be very hard for you to add a baby into the mix right now. In another year your daughter will be much more independent.

Sorry, I know this wasn’t helpful but just some things to think about. Take your time — at 5 weeks you have plenty of it. If you’re not ready for the termination you have scheduled, it’s ok to give it a few more weeks to think about it. Make sure you’re comfortable with your decision and then don’t look back. From reading your ousts it sounds like you’re leaning toward termination, but if your heart is telling you something else that’s ok too. You will find a way to make it work either way. Good luck.