Friend after school

[EyepatchOfTravis]

dd is 11 and at secondary school. (We live about 5 mins walk from school) Today she returned home with a friend in tow. I have met this girl before, but have never met her parents or even spoken to them in my life. Apparently, dd randomly asked this friend round without clearing it with me first, the girl called her folks in the middle of the day who said fine and she just turned up. It really wasn’t a good time, but I let her come in for just over an hour. She had 3 phone numbers for her parents with her - a home one, a mobile one and a work one - I’ve basically been ringing them all for the last couple of hours, but no reply from any of them.

I had to send her home an hour ago - the girl said she’d her door key, always walks home on her own and her parents wouldn’t bat an eyelid if she got home earlier than expected. My daughter walked her back to school and then she was going to walk back home on her own from there.

I’ve no idea if I did the right thing, what’s normal - I have never had someone come round without speaking to parents first. It felt really wrong to just send her home like that, but I teach from home on Monday evenings and had a pupil due round so couldn’t walk her home (and not sure whether that would have been OTT anyhow. Still trying to reach her parents to check she’s safely home - have left messages. Still no reply.

Am I being silly? I’m still getting my head around parenting a secondary school child...

Are you sure her parents are ok with it?

I would probable have waited longer before sending her home. She could have hung out with your DD until your pupil had left or you heard from her parents. I would also have a word with my DD, setting up rules for inviting people over.

Have you got her mobile number? I'd try that and see if she got back ok.

I have a son I. His first year of secondary and would not be reacting like this. You've rang all these numbers? It seems totally ott. Most kids are going home independently, my ds let's himself in 2 nights a week. I would never get that involved with another child's plans.

I don't know many parents at my dc's secondary and I quite often get a phone call at lunchtime on a Friday to say they are going to their friends after school (and can I pick them up at 9pm!).

Why couldn't she have stayed for longer than an hour? I would have left them to it as long as they weren't disturbing your teaching.

I finally got hold of her dad. She’s home safe. He seemed pretty blasé - I don’t think I’d be happy for dd to randomly go round to a friend’s house if I’d never even spoken to their parents - not sure if that’s overprotective though.

I suppose I'm saying I'd be like 'hiya pal, do your folks know your here? You're more than welcome to come in but just for a bit as we're busy later' and that's it.

You've been very OTT.
Perfectly normal at secondary for dc to drop in to each others houses. If you live that close, I should imagine it will happen a lot over the years. You should be pleased you've brought up your dd to feel comfortable with her home and knowing that her friends are welcome.

I'd be a bit if any of my dc's friends made several calls to my phone if there were no emergency.

Wow how very over the top. She is in secondary school. I used to go to friends houses, and them to mine, regularly when I was at school. No mobile phones then - it was the 90’s. We were trusted and behaved responsibly. Most of our parents worked and were out of the house too.

Yeah - that’s kind of what I did. I have MH issues that mean I get super anxious about stuff and I don’t know whether my worry is proportionate. I see a couple of reactions saying I was OTT and others that I wasn’t responsible enough, so who knows... My MH makes DD having friends round tough anyhow, but without warning and without being able to check her parent’s expectations made it tougher.

Think you will find this very normal at secondary school.

You're not going to win this one, OP. Can't do right for doing wrong. Some say you're over reacting but others are saying the child should have been permitted to stay longer, even though you work from home.

Personally, I think you were very considerate and did the right thing. You also need to tell your child she can't just decide to bring friends home, because of your work.

Thanks Positively , that was a really kind post. Thanks folks for giving your different takes - Still getting my head round how things are now dd is in secondary - it’s very different!

My dc are still young, so not sure what the norm is at that age. If she comes by again you'll know not to worry so much. Just wanted to say it was nice of you to care enough to check she was home safe.

Thank you

Thank you

She's 11, why were you so worried about her walking home? Don't thousands of schoolkids do that every day? Would you have been so worried if she were a boy?

My DD is 11. She doesn't go to anyone's house unless I've met the parents - even if just quick hello. . I am the opposite of over- protective but these are still early days in Comp so I feel more comfortable with this arrangement at the moment.

I'm on your side OP. I'd have needed to know she got home safely too.

Thank you

I don't think you have over reacted at all. My DS is 10 and in year 5. Some of his friends go home alone after school and let themselves in. They sometimes want to drop in to ours and think I'm mental for wanting to check their parents know where they are. I'd have done the same as you.

It’s very normal. If you’re not already, get Help for your anxiety or talk to your therapist about it

Thisis - there is a MASSIVE difference between a Yr5 child at Primary school and a Yr7 child at secondary school - the change is phenomenal, far more than say between Yr3 and Yr5.
At that age I'd ask the child 'Do your parents know where you are?' as a reminder, and that's it.

I agree Thisis

At secondary school this is perfectly normal.
How much longer do you expect to be able to speak to your DDs' friend's parents before visits?
You have to change the way you parent.