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Original poster

To love bf greatly but be frustrated the relationship isn’t progressing

14 replies

lovescarbs · 07/01/2018 12:52

Hi mumsnetters,

Feel like I’m a little prolific at the moment (second post in two days).

Just struggling to know what to do and how to move forwards. I love my bf lots, we have been together 5 years and own a house and cat together. Both these steps he was initiallly very reluctant about and it took a lot of difficult to conversations to progress. But he loves the cat and house dearly now.

Essentially, I’ve been hoping for a proposal for a couple of years now and we have discussed this in length. He feels that he loves me but it is too soon/ we are too young (26) and need to have more money before we progress. For context we both work in reasonably well paid professional jobs, though he still has 6 months before he finishes his training. I’m also starting to really want to start a family and he wants to wait 5-10 years.

I feel he loves me but...am I being taken for a ride? What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

lovescarbs · 07/01/2018 13:15

Bump

OP posts:

Trills · 07/01/2018 13:18

I don't think that a 26 year old wanting to wait til they are 31 or older to have children is taking anyone for a ride.

PipGirl404 · 07/01/2018 13:20

Can't imagine I'm the best person to comment here but I was with my bf for 4 years. House, cat, dog, kid together and whenever I mentioned marriage it was all "yeah we will, one day" or some other excuse similar to that.

He left me 7 months ago out the blue, he never had intentions of marrying me just was comfortable and put it off as long as he could before leaving for a better offer.

I'm with a lovely man now who is taking it slow with me but has said previously if he could marry me tomorrow he would.

I dunno OP, his reasons could be genuine but from my experience I'm dubious!

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Alwayscommuting · 07/01/2018 13:23

I get where you’re coming from here. I kind of dragged my now husband along. Suggested getting married, suggested getting cat(s) suggested buying a house and while none of these things were his idea he is perfectly happy to go along. Been married 3 years now. What are his objections? There is no perfect time to get married or have kids in my opinion you just have to do what feels right.

RandomMess · 07/01/2018 13:26

You need to have the discussion, you want to married and start trying for DC in x years.

If he isn't prepared to compromise I'd walk away. Don't waste your future fertile years with someone to end up being strung along as he's too scared to commit.

Original poster

lovescarbs · 07/01/2018 14:58

Always: that’s exactly it- I feel like I’m dragging him through it (when he finally agrees).

No concrete objections, just we are young, a wedding costs money (we have approx £30,000 in savings), let’s wait 2-3 years. It’s for me to decide when we get engaged, I’m the man etc. The timescales just always seem to stay the same, even though time moves.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/01/2018 15:19

Then you need to decide when your ultimatum is.

He's the man??? So that is his top trump every time you don't agree?

I would separate out your savings in case you split in the future and it gets messy.

Seriously if he won't commit to marriage (weddings can be v cheap) then he's not going to commit to parenthood.

Catmum26 · 07/01/2018 20:31

I dont Think he’s being unreasonable in wanting to wait before progressing further. You are already living together so getting married isn’t going to really change anything apart from make you poorer. (Trust me I’ve been there). As previous poster has said, you need to sit and really think how important marriage and kids sooner than he wants them are to you. If he absolutely wants to wait 5-10 more years and you don’t then there’s not much more you can do other than move on and find someone who does want kids. (Although by the time you have found someone else and got stable enough to be in the position to have kids it’s likely to be near enough 5 years anyway) I’ve been in your position but eventually my husband came round. We got married in 2016 and started ttc spring last year. Although i wish We had done it sooner it was so much nicer knowing it was something we both genuinely wanted.

girlwithadragontattoo · 09/01/2018 16:36

Why put so much pressure on him? Your only 26. Maybe he just wants to be a little more stable after his training has finished and establish himself a bit better to be able to provide in the future.
I think you need to chill a little bit and enjoy the time you have together before you do have kids.

Want2bSupermum · 09/01/2018 17:34

I was married to DH for three years before we unexpectedly found ourselves expecting our first DC. Marriage for me was about making a commitment to your significant other.

You own a home together and it's silly that you guys aren't married to take advantage of the tax rules should one of you unexpectedly pass.

Also a wedding is as expensive as you make it. Get married now and then have the big wedding later if it's still important to you.

Poshindevon · 10/01/2018 06:27

RandomMess is right seperate your savings.
I hate this "because I am the man" I get to decide. So being the male makes him the controller of your life. So many posters on here have commitment phobic partners.
Your only 26 now but time moves quickly. I think you need to give your other half a kick up the back side by giving him an ultimatum. Good luck

FinallyHere · 10/01/2018 08:37

Not wanting to rush into the next stage, being happy to enjoy your life etc, all good.

It’s for me to decide when we get engaged, I’m the man etc

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Sorry, OP but do you really want to live like this, or find someone who really values you for yourself, not as an adjunct to his 'being a man'

whattoweartomorrow · 10/01/2018 08:59

I don't see anywhere in the OP that he's said 'he's the man, he gets to decide'- rather that he has decided he doesn't want to get married/start a family at 26. Which is fair as I would have felt the same way. Everyone gets to decide that for themselves, and the OP gets to decide if she's happy with it.

The only people I knew who got married that young had been together ten years, I don't think saying he wants to wait till you're both 30 is crazy. The only issue is does he mean five years, or does he mean'i cant imagine wanting that, so I'll say five years because I'm happy now and then decide.'

I told my now DH that I wanted to know whether he wanted children by my 30th birthday- when we first got together he was undecided. He respected that, I'm currently 34 and TTC- I didn't want to start trying at 30, I just wanted to know that if we weren't having children I'd have time to find someone else because our relationship wouldnt have survived that.

I think you should think through your options- why is he dragging his heels? Is it a general fear of commitment, or is he unsure about you? If the former, at what point are you prepared to cut your losses? I personally would not have wanted to get married before age 30, and married someone who felt similarly. It's not necessarily a sign he doesn't love you. But if it's a sign he isn't sure, you do need to think about your various options and at what point you'll be prepared to make a decision to end it.

whattoweartomorrow · 10/01/2018 09:01

Oh sorry- I missed the follow up 'in the man' post. I would be really reluctant to marry someone who feels like that full stop. Why does he get to have more of a say about your future based on his sex?

If he really means that, is start pushing back now- either partner gets to decide when they're ready to take that step, he doesn't get massive extra deciding points because he's male.
And if he thinks he does about this, what does that say about his attitude to childcare/financial decisions/etc etc?

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