Friend not strapping kids in properly

[brexitschmexit]

A friend of mine frequently posts video clips on social media of her kids in the back of the car as they are driving somewhere, and the kids aren’t properly secured in their child seats. One is aged 6 and doesn’t even have a booster cushion, let alone a high backed booster. One is aged 3 and in a car seat with harness but always has their arms out of the straps. The other is 1 and also in a car seat with harness and also with arms out of the straps or if arms are in the straps, the straps are clearly very loose so that the child is not secure in the event of a crash, or can easily remove their arms.

I am always horrified when I see these clips as I could never compromise my child’s safety like this. I try not to judge other people’s parenting styles and choices but for me safety in the car is non-negotiable and something I’m afraid I do judge others on. My friend is otherwise a loving, caring, attentive parent and an intelligent person so I really don’t understand why she doesn’t realise her kids are totally unsafe in the car. She must think it’s totally fine if she is happy to post so many pics/videos of it. I have been very close to commenting but can’t think of any way to do so without sounding like a judgy twat!

What would you do? Would you say something? Perhaps she genuinely doesn’t realise the problem, but perhaps she would be really offended at me commenting. Her kids her business I guess, and maybe I should just mind my own!

Maybe private message her with a video about the importance of straps being tight, say something like 'I didn't realise the straps needed to be tight until I saw this, thought you might be interested too?'

I did wonder something like that marcine.... would definitely do it via private message anyway. Just so tricky to know how to phrase it if I did say something.

Anyone else any thoughts? I can’t decide if I should just put it out of my mind (hard to when I see it so frequently on her social media though - the video clips are very frequent) or say something for the sake of the children. I do genuinely feel sorry for them not being safe, when the situation could so easily be remedied. But if I did say something, would she even act on it or be offended/patronised and ignore me, plus would she ditch me as a friend for speaking out of turn?

I’d have to say something. The above suggestion is good.
Also, is she driving and filming?

Definitely say something, it worth her getting pissed off at you if it saved her kid’s lives one day.

Is she driving and filming them?!

I was worried I would get told to butt out! Honestly if she was giving her 1 year old coke I would raise an eyebrow to myself but never say anything, her choice. But with car safety it’s different for me. Maybe she hasn’t seen that clip/info about fastening the harness so you could turn the car seat upside down and the child stays intact in the seat? Maybe she has no idea how tight the straps need to be? But surely anyone knows that if their kid’s arms are OUTSIDE the straps they are not safe?! If it was just slightly loose straps I might be more forgiving but this just seems madness to me, and to post it on social media so frequently?! I think her DH is always driving whilst she films as he also features in the clips! (Usually them boogying to some tunes).

I guess what it comes down to is my reason for saying something would be to protect/help the kids, not to shame/belittle/have a dig at her. I would hate to make her feel bad, and would have to choose my words really carefully, but my overwhelming feeling is I can’t just turn a blind eye....
Up till now I’ve been hoping that the next time she posts one of these clips the kids will all be strapped in properly because someone else has said something! She is not a really close friend, so it’s hard to know how she might take it from me....

Well I am in a similar position with my sister and when I asked something like "oh, is that as tight as the straps go?" she blatantly lied to my face and told me she of course would tighten the straps once babyseat was in the car (on the front seat no less).

Not much more I can do - clearly they would prefer to chance it than have the baby cry for more than five minutes.

Maybe you could share the video on FB and tag her and a load of other mum mates with an "omg, have you seen this!!!" kind of thing?!

She’s driving and filming?

I would've posted under her video that she might want to consider strapping her kids in properly and that by law 6 yo should be in a high back seat.

But then i'm hard faced and the safety of those kids would bother me much more than some stupid woman's feelings.

Good grief all this angst when you should be commenting - if the worst happens what will you wish you had done?

I don't think 6 year olds have to be in hbb by law.

It goes by height not age but most 6 year olds wouldn’t be tall enough. A booster though I don’t think hb is (yet) law.

mommyofanagel51313.wordpress.com/2014/11/23/why-didnt-anyone-tell-me-i-was-wrong/

My friends hate me going anywhere near their car seats. I can see a badly fitted harness or seat a mile off. I'm regularly telling them they need adjusting, coat off, not ready for adult seat belt.... Quizzing them on whether they've checked weight of child recently as reckon close to limits. I'm not an interfering cow. It's because I care and because I have the knowledge.

And what dust posted is hard to read but share it for Cameron's mummy. She wants you too.

So this is what you have to say.

Dear x

I thought long and hard about whether to send you this message. I decided on balance that it was worth potentially offending you because I could bear the potential consequences what would happen to the children if you would have a car accident.

I've noticed from the images that you share on social media and children aren't correctly restrained in the car.

X is three and is a harnessed seat which is great. However she regularly has the arms pictured as out of the harness. In an accident she is likely to suffer serious injuries either from the pressure that the incorrect position puts on her organs or she will be thrown from the seat - which is likely to be fatal.

I also noticed that x who is 6 is not in any kind of seat. The legal minimum to not use a booster seat is 135cm. However the majority of the experts agree that the adult seatbelt does not sufficiently fit them until a child is at least 150 cm ( approx age 11).
Ideally she should be in a high back booster as this will give her the best protection for her age.

I'm passing this on to you as I care for you and the children. The legal side of it is is that if you were stopped by the police you would likely to receive a fine and they may possibly refer to social care if they had safeguarding concerns.

However the concern to me is if you were in an accident at best the children will likely to be hospitalised with significant injuries and the worst case doesn't bear thinking about.

What about:
“Hi Friend, Hope you’re all ok and having a great New Year. I love seeing how quickly your kids are growing up in the car videos! I hope you don’t mind me mentioning but I didn’t realise this until a good friend told me a couple years/months ago when they saw me buckling ** (your child) in just how important it is to get those straps really tight.” Include video or just a few sentences describing the key things.

even if she does take the advice the wrong way at least you’ve done what you can and even if she is annoyed (wrongly) perhaps it will make her think a little. Good luck!

Makingahome ‘s response is much better and more informative!

Here's a link to ERF mission post on incorrectly harnessed children including a crash test.
erfmission.com/child-seat-harness-escape-solution/

I have been in the position of having to have some pretty Direct conversations with strangers about their child safety. One mum was putting a 12 week old baby in a forward facing car seat. Fortunately it came up in conversation with me in a hospital waiting room..... I really do attract these conversations.

I have to be quite blunt with her that the outcome for her baby was not going to be a good one even in a low impact collision. She went home and got the infant carrier out of the loft and I talked to her through how to adjust it on Facebook. Phew

Sorry I did mean to add something to my post, not just the link. Got distracted and must have posted by accident. Makingahome has said what I would though. Just say something, I think it is too important not to.

Thanks for all the helpful replies and links. I may use them to send across to her, I can say I’d seen someone had shared them on fb or something and that when I saw her videos it was fresh in my mind. I obviously don’t want to upset her or make her think I am a judgy know it all, but you are right this is too important not to say something about. Thanks so much!