Husband wasting money

[Stupidwife]

First time posting so please be gentle with me. I will try not to drip feed.

My husband I have been together for 10 years now. I have a teenage son from a pervious relationship and we have a toddler daughter together.

I always knew my husband liked to gamble a little and didn't see an issue with this until I learnt the full extent of it 3-4 years ago after he had gambled away £3,000 in savings and leaving us (him) in £10,000 worth of debt. He had started getting payday loans without my knowledge. It ended up being over 100 payday loans in one year before he finally got an IVA to sort the issue out. I was completely unaware of this until I opened a letter of his by mistake. God I sound and feel so stupid writing this! He doesn't have any family, literally just me and my family. My mum talked me around to giving the marriage another go on this basis. He handed over all finances to me, bank cards the lot. Deleted all gambling apps etc. I would give him cash as when required. Was horrible having to treat him like a child. He never got professional help but this worked well. I gave him his bank card back after 8 months on the understanding that I would do random checks of his internet banking.

Over the course of our relationship we had three miscarriages and fertility issues, so when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I had to continue the pregnancy without a second thought. The last IVA payment was a month after she was born and I haven't felt the need to check his account for the last year.

Fast forward to tonight.. I have just found out after sorting through accounts to budget for a holiday that he had spent £315 on bloody in app purchases of an iPhone game over the course of around 7/8months. I'm to angry to talk to him about it right and need an outsiders thoughts.

We both work, I'm part time (well 28 hours) I get that its his money, but that's nearly two months car payments or a years worth of nappies or a months worth of food shopping!

It's the fact that he's been secretive about it. I can't believe he could be so stupid again.

It's not stupidity, it's a addiction. Which he needs professional help with. Did he get any support last time? GA or anything?

No professional help. I did ask him to seek help but because it was managing the way we worked he never followed it up and I didn't either.

We aren't well off but thankfully not struggling either.

From what I have seen, it's been smaller payments up until a couple of weeks so I'm really hoping that I have caught it in time before it escalates further.

I did tell him the last time, that if he done it again, I would take the kids and leave. I wasn't prepared to go through this again but he doesn't see it the same as gambling.

My pervious relationship ended with me being left holding the baby with a shit load of debt to my name, which I'm still paying off now. I don't want to end up in the same situation again but with two children.

You husband has an addiction for which he needs professional help.He should have sought help the first time you discovered the problem. If neccesary you will have to take over the finances again.
Do not give up on the relationship help your husband to get the help he needs.

I would personally ask him to leave until he gets quantifiable help that curbs his addiction. Make him prove his willingness to fix this and when he has, he can return to the marital home. He also needs to pay off any debts he has mounted up as a result.

This is a relapse and unless it's handled properly, it won't stop.

He has nowhere to go though that's the problem

Agree that he needs professional help. If he refuses the fact that he has no where to go is not your problem. He needs to feel the consequences of the gambling or it won't stop. Do ye get on well otherwise?

@junebirthdaygirl no other issues except this

I have messaged him to tell him to leave our home before I get home. I think he needs to realise what he's done. I can deal with anything but being secretive is one thing I can't and won't tolerate.

I don't want to have to worry about our bills not getting paid and don't want to have to police his spending indefinitely. I have two children, I don't want a third.

This isn't me turning my back on him, I will make sure he gets the help he needs. I just think he needs a shock to realise what exactly he's done/ doing.

I wasn't prepared to go through this again but he doesn't see it the same as gambling.

Which is why he needs to seek help. Denial is a wonderful thing and addicts need help to understand ALL the things they have to avoid in order not to relapse. When I worked in a rehab I heard every combination of "it's only..." "it's not the same as..." "I can handle THIS" you can think of. It's all bollocks and needs to be addressed.

Sorry for the late update, the last week has been tough.

My husband is leaving the family home next Friday. That's when we both get paid and we can't afford to do it any sooner.

He went to stay with some friends for three nights last week before coming home. During this time, we had no contact that was initiated by him. I ended up telling him to come home because it wasn't fair on our friends when it was meant to be just one night. It seems like it was just a place for him to bury his head in the sand.

We spoke when he came home and he agreed that he needed professional help. I told him that he should definitely try it even just go once or twice and if it wasn't for him at least he had tried. I asked him when he would look into it and he said on his day off which was Monday and Tuesday just gone.

Fast forward to last night, I asked him about the counselling he said he would look into. He had apparently looked into it Monday and Tuesday but wasn't sure which to go with/ who would be best etc. I asked him to prove this, he had apparently deleted his search history. This isn't uncommon as it's out of habit but I'm not sure if I believe him or not. Why didn't he just tell me when he had looked.. his response.. I didn't think.

Tuesday afternoon, I had to pop into our GP Surgey, no prebookable appointments were available. I asked him if hasn't sure why not just call for an appointment. His response, because I couldn't get an appointment.. he's using my experience as an excuse. If he had called first thing on either days, he would have got a same day appointment.

I just feel like he doesn't want to make the effort to fix his mess if I'm not the one doing all the ground work. I thought kicking him out to a friends house would have given him a shock but it clearly hasn't.

I asked him to leave last night and said he had until next Friday. I got the usual "I'm trying to be better" "I love you" and "I can't help being rubbish at talking" but it's just not enough anymore. I made him sleep on the sofa and we have barely spoken this morning before I left for work.

I don't know what else to do.

He's just admitted that he never even had a proper look

Are you doing anything to look after yourself? It sounds like you've poured so much energy into trying to help him and he hasn't made the effort.
If you look after yourself it might help you get through this tough time.
Do you have time to go for a walk or re-read a book that makes you smile?

@SuperLoudPoppingAction I literally don't have the time or energy to do anything. I work around him so we don't have to pay out child care of rely on people for help which I'm now going to have to sort out.

I literally work and look after the youngest and play taxi driver to the oldest. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally.

Currently sat in the toilets at work crying.. this isn't who I am!

To give you an idea of how easy it is to search for help. I just searched Gamblers Anonymous UK, put in Plymouth (random choice), asked for a Monday meeting and found one at 7pm. It took me about 3 minutes. That is the most cursory of cursory looks.

He could not only looked but also attended during his two days off.

@MrsTerryPratchett I done exactly the same thing last night and found three all within 10miles of us on the first website I clicked on. I didn't tell him this until I had gone it.

Your right, he could have got the ball rolling and attending within his 2 days off