DD 17 with Aspergers and new BF.

[Jumpingsomebodyelsestrain]

Sorry this is long but it is a complicated picture.

This thread has come about because our nearly 18 year old DD has 'forgotten' she had arranged to spend NYE with us. She has asked to stay on at her BF. She has been there since the 27th so she could go to an early NYE event in his home town last night.

DD and her boyfriend spent Boxing Day at our house then I drove them both to his flat the next morning . He is older than she is but as she Asperger Syndrome she has always got on better with those a bit older. It isn't something I'm altogether comfortable with but my DF was 15 years older than my DM and they met when she was 16.

DD and BF have been seeing each other since September.

DD is only just settled in college after being out of FT ed since she was 11.

DD suffers from depression/ anxiety and self-harms and has recently been diagnosed with disordered eating (mainly anorexic tendencies) but there is little help in our area unless you are very poorly.

DD also has PDA traits (diagnosed by CAHMS) so we are careful to provide structure and to encourage DD to make her own positive choices. 'Putting our foot down' isn't the way to go. We are fairly liberal but do have boundaries.

We have been aware that she is almost an adult and are trying to encourage her independence whilst making sure she looks after herself whilst she is at her BF. Trouble is, she doesn't. Whilst DD is at her BF she forgets to eat, forgets to change her clothing due to poor memory , and doesn't take her medication.

We have spoken to her about it but she still comes home days later in the same socks with no meds taken.

We feel that it isn't good to spend so much time there given that DD can't look after herself. However. given the PDA/Aspergers how to go about this?

This evening she said BF wanted her to stay for NYE. Historically she cannot say what she wants, just goes along with other people.

Previous BF have been EA, one sexually. This one seems ok but is very quiet and doesn't 'do' families as his own seems complicated, including a DF that was abusive.

DD started to get upset this evening so we said she could stay to take the pressure off.

This will be our first NYE without her as we have always spent it as a family and her little DS was upset because she misses her. We also feel like we don't have much of a relationship with her anymore as she is usually at get BF for 4 nights a week plus college. I keep telling myself that DD is just growing up but as we have always been close, given the fact that she wasn't in school, it feels like a big leap. Then there is the not being able to look after herself...

Can anyone who has been through the teenage stage advise please? I feel very tearful this evening as we don't know how to handle this and not duck it up!!!

BF would have been very welcome to spend the evening with us at an event we are going to which DD was excited about.

My daughter is 19 and neurotypocal. Although she is an adult, she is still financially and emotionally quite reliant on me. I wouldn't let her stay with a bf for longer than a couple of nights in a row. It's important that she touches base.

Could you ask her to come home for NYE and offer to accommodate her bf? Can you explain your concerns and reassure her you just want to care for her not control her?

You have my sympathies. It sounds very tricky.

So, she’s only 18, she’s got a child, she’s been sexually and emotionally abused by men already? At 18? She sounds extremely vulnerable to me. I think she needs to be distanced from a man that doesn’t “do” families given that she will need a close relationship with you long term. She cannot move out on her own and she clearly cannot be treated like an adult.

Over time I think you need to try change her focus away from relationships and teach her to be self sufficient. You need to teach her to stay away from men until she has achieved that. Bad men will prey on women like your daughter. I say “women” but she sounds more like a child.

I hope I don’t sound unsupportive because I cannot imagine how hard it is.

Where does it say the dd has a child? Surely the op is talking about ds meaning sister not son?
How old is the boyfriend, it's coming across as though he could be much older?

I'm assuming her little ds is her sister rather than her son. I've got a child who has aspergers syndrome but he is only 11 so we haven't reached that stage yet. If you helped her write a list or wrote one for her, or a visual timetable with reminders to take meds, change clothes etc would she follow it? It must be very difficult.

Oh sorry! Sister.

I haven't been through this, but do have an ASD child who won't eat if we don't present her with food (she's only 9 though)

Your daughter is growing up, and would obviously like to be more independent, which is totally normal. I would worry about her being at BFs if she isn't able to look after herself. Have you asked her BF to remind her to take her meds/change etc?

Or suggested she put reminders/alarms on her phone?

Runningissimple - I will make sure DD understands that BF is welcome to come here. I agree that extra reassurance is needed that we are not just being controlling.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat - you didn't sound unsupportive. I'm all for straight talking . Agree we need to keep teaching self-sufficiency because with Aspies learning about themselves and their emotions can take longer.

Deemail - He's ten years older! I know!!! But if you ban them seeing one another then we all know what is likely to happen.

Differentnameforthis - I will suggest the reminder alarms again. I can but try.

I did try to talk to BF about DD's eating and mentioned needing an out-of-area appointment, but he said absolutely nothing in response.

DD has form for not telling us worrying things until months/years later as she has difficulty processing things. All whilst appearing to cope beautifully. So difficult.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

We will have another chat with DD with lots of reassurance.

No advice, but sounds similar to concerns we have around my DD, 18. Not aspergers (I don't think) but has dyspraxia which seems to overlap a lot.

Teentimestwo It's so hard isn't it? DD comes across as so capable, but we still have to keep reminding ourselves and her that she is still not quite 18.

I suppose all we can do is try and keep the communication and reassurance going knowing we will come out the other side!

Oh thanks for the flowers. for you too. As the parents of teens we deserve them!!!!