I have a huge decision to make and am terrified. Long time lurker, first time poster and unsure if a) the warning is done correctly and b) if this is ok here as I couldn't find anywhere else more suitable (if not, how do I move it or alter the title?).
Also, may be long, but desperately hope someone has some good advice. Please don't be nasty with me, I'm struggling badly with suicidal urges, but don't think I would act on it.
I am extremely lucky (relevant) that I have 4 amazingly caring, happy, hard working adult children, a gorgeous 1 year old grandchild and another due soon. I don't see my children often as they live abroad. I am extremely isolated. I have no friends at all (due to trust issues), I rarely see my only sibling and I do not like my mother, I do not love her and visit only due to duty calling. My father died 6 years ago. This year all 4 children came to stay over Christmas, and they all went home yesterday so missing them terribly.
Here goes anxious as hell.
From my 1st memory my father sexually abused me, physically hurt me every day I lived with him and said plenty of wicked things. He took no interest in me, despite me working hard to please him etc and there was substantial neglect by both parents. All familiar things so far.
When I got to 5 years old my dad started taking me to 'see his friends', I can't spell it out, sorry, but (looking back) this was like a warm up series of events.
At school I was very clever but once I hit 13 (age passed for statutory rape) everything changed.
As I got older I realised these were all professional men and women, but it wasn't until a few years ago that the meaning of all this hit me so hard, it was truly like a switch was flicked and a red hot poker went through my chest every time I think about all this.
It is this next bit causing me utter desperation and unbearable anxiety.
I know, without even 0.001% doubt, that my father and his 'friends' were also sexually abusing other children and teenagers. My father was in a position of trust (did not work with children) but I can't say what his work was as it would easily identify me.
Over the years have suffered with debilitating depression, anxiety and Isolation. I attempted suicide times just after I left my controlling and abusive husband, which I guess reinforced for me that I was worthless.
I started therapy 9 months ago but only spoke about the past very recently. I realised that there must be others who were also affected by this but they may not know who it was who abused them.
I searched online and found The Survivors Trust, an ongoing inquiry into sexual abuse by people in a position of trust.
I contacted them because I may have the names and other information that these other children, now adults, can't remember.
I have an overwhelming sense that I have to tell the inquiry everything I know, to be able to help these other people who were so badly abused in places they should have been safe and cared for. But, an equally overwhelming sense that I can't do this.
I know I NEED to, and need really to give permission for the police to contact me to help with their enquiries too, but I am so alone and isolated (and lost my job this year due to a quickly progressing, terminal neurological disease).
Part of me wants so much to help, but the other part doesn't want my last 1 to 2 years alive being questioned about things I find so hard to think about, let alone talk about, to police and this enquiry. The other thing is, my children all know their grandad was a prize cunt, but they don't know much more and I am worried what these revelations may do to them. I am not bothered about my mother finding out, she did enough damage, she is a nasty judgemental person who has no interest in anyone except herself. My sibling seems to have excused our father so I have no idea how they may react (I don't like them, but they must have gone through the same as me, and I don't want to hurt them as they have sort of accepted it all and clearly forgives our father)
I kept it as brief as possible; what would you do?
1.Work with the survivors trust enquiry for sake of others who may need answers?
- Give full police interviews which could lead to prosecution of any surviving offenders?
3). Live my last year or two with my experiences kept to myself and my children none the wiser that their granddad was such a prolific and violent sexual offender working with others for sexual gratification?
PS . When I was in my early 30s my father raped me again, after a huge violent argument. I went to the police but they would not even take a full statement. I tried at that time to talk to them about my childhood and it was unbelievably obvious that they did not believe me which eroded my confidence and trust further, making making me feel more worthless and still hate myself.