Buy friend food

[Neoflex]

Old friend did some despicable and unforgivable things this year, and most people have turned their backs on her. And she also has become very poor as a consequence of her actions.
Thing is she is now starving. Not spending the money she does have on food. She's turning into skin and bones and the other day I caught her picking leftovers from the dirty pots in our sink. I of course cooked so she could have a decent meal.
Want to send her a food shop for Christmas but first I don't know how to do this without offending her. I also don't want to enable her destructive behaviour. But I can't let someone starve can I? She will probably be alone and hungry over Christmas.

Yes, send her a food shop you are way overthinking the situation.

Any tips for making it less awkward and embarrassing for her?

maybe have food sent to you and make into into a hamper first. That way it's more of a Christmas gift, than just "I think you can't afford food."

Give her an m and s voucher... which SEEMS Like it's for clothes/Home but can actually be used for food!

If I gave her a voucher she wouldn't spend it on food.
The hamper is a good idea. I just need to find stuff that's practical but still looks like a gift. There's no point getting one with fancy jams and cooking oils. She needs stuff she can actually make meals with. So I will have to buy real food and then make it look like a gift

Bloody hell. Just send an anonymous food shop. No need for her to know who it's off.

That's very kind of you to think of her and support her.

Hamper with necessities and a bow, anonymously dropped off at her door. Or an anonymous food shop would make it less offensive?

Yes an anonymous food order full of practical stuff is the best idea.

It would freak me out if an anonymous food shop arrived at my door - I would be, hey, I didn't order this etc etc

The anonymous shop i agree is a bit creepy especially when she is feeling a bit paranoid right now so I will stick a bow on it. Here are some foods I thought that don't scream "hey we saw you scavenging" but can also be put to good use.
Some fancy pasta and a sauce
A baguette
Selection of cheeses and cold meats
Muesli
Big bar of chocolate obviously
A bottle of juice

Add soup, beans, bread, tuna, mayo, tinned tomatoes etc.

Get the baguettes that are pre cooked as they last. Tin of salmon maybe?

Jar of pesto?

If she was picking leftovers from your pots can I assume you live together? House share?
If this is the case then just stock the cupboards for her and tell her that the foods there for her.

Nice jars and tins will do... worried about things like beans and soup cause I don't want it to look like I'm dropping at a food Bank.
We don't live together. I invited her round for a brew and when I popped to the loo she started picking from the leftovers. There was like literally the last strands of spaghetti stuck to the bowl.
She has flatmates and a dh who used to support her a lot but now they are withdrawing the support.
That's actually another good reason it needs to look like a gift. So that she has something to eat over Christmas. It shouldnt send a message of "hey I'm neo and I'm here to do your food shop from now on" because I don't think that will help her in the long run.

So her husband is leaving her to starve ??

What on earth has she done that's so bad ?? It sounds like this lady needs practical support, id be dragging her to CAB in the new year to see if any help is available.

Some of the 'fancier' tins of soup like Baxters if you have them or other more 'upmarket' or local brands will look less foodbanky in the hamper. I guess that goes for lots of basic items now I think about it.

Biscuits
Crackers
Super noodles type thing
Fancy baked beans??

I'm guessing she's an addict, probably an alcoholic. This would explain why the voucher idea wouldn't work (gin) and her abhorrent behaviour.

I don't know what you can't do, tbh. Alcoholism is difficult

Old fashioned hamper - fruit cocktail, tin of ham, biscuits etc. tell her you won it in a raffle but nothing in it is big enough for a family, so she can have it.

She's received a mh diagnosis but refuses medication or therapy so there's not a lot you can do to intervene. The dh has been a saint for the past few years but he had to distance himself for his own sanity. He is still paying her rent and checking in but a lot of support has stopped. I don't blame him, he's put up with everything you can imagine, cheating, fighting, her going missing, drug and alcohol abuse.

We've tried sitting her down for a chat. When things are bad the response is that we are being controlling, we don't understand the situation, and to stay out of it. When things get better we are asked why we didn't do more to intervene.

We've all been lashed out at, some time or other past couple of years. I've distanced myself too, but my door is always open if she needs to come for a chat. And whatever someone has done, they don't deserve to be sat hungry with no gifts over Christmas unless it's a mumsnet mil

Thanks for all the hamper ideas! Going to sort it out today. To be honest the more I think about it, I'm just going to buy what she needs. Tins that look nice (no supermarket brands etc.) But if she insists asking why tins as a present i might just be honest and say "look you are starving" and maybe it will sink in rather than tiptoeing around the problem.

Good for you, sounds like a plan. And well done sticking by her all this time. I know I would struggle with this too.

Having lived with an alcoholic who couldn't handle too much at times I'd recommend 'no cook' items with high calorie value for the hamper; oat cakes, muesli bars, nut butters, chocolate raisins, vegetable crisps, dried fruits and nuts etc. There are plenty of 'fancy' versions of those kind of things so it can look like a hamper more than an emergency food parcel. Little snacky things that are mostly healthy and provide vitamins but don't need preparing like a meal, especially if your friend is still drinking it might be a safer option than cooking. It sounds like she does have some money but isn't prioritising food and sadly there isn't much you can do about that until she decides otherwise.

my scrawny undernourished alcoholic friend liked stuff like cheese and crackers and tinned soup

I think you are doing a lovely thing. Speaking from experience, it is not nice watching someone hell bent on the path of self-destruction with no way of making them see sense.
Hope you have a lovely Christmas.