Love my friend but it's getting too much

[0nTheEdge]

I feel really bad posting about this, like I'm slagging off someone I genuinely like & care about, but I'm really struggling with a friend. We met a year ago and really clicked. Saw each other every week or so but never called/txt etc. Then she started going through a really tough time not long after we met and I've been helping her. The thing is that I'm busy with 3 kids and have had a horrific year myself and she rings or wants to come round all the time. I mean everyday multiple phone calls and/or a visit. I have no time to myself, any time where I would have sat and had time to myself is taken up by her. I feel like I live my life at get beck and call. It's not unusual to have 3 calls a day and be on the phone half an hour to an hour at a time. I even had two calls on my birthday and I told her on the first call I was really busy with birthday stuff and could only talk for a few minutes and she still called again later! I feel like a bitch because I'm starting to resent her so much but at the same time she is really nice so I feel like a traitor. It's damaging my self esteem. What do I do?

I think the best, and most honest, way to deal with it is to sit down with her and explain that you care about her but she needs to take some responsibility for herself and that you cannot be available for her at the drop of a hat. Maybe tell her your relationship with your children is suffering as you keep having to stop what you are doing with them to speak to her? Then outline what you think is a reasonable amount of contact. Once a week for coffee or only texts so that you can respond when you are available. Respond fewer and fewer times until she, hopefully, gets the message.

You need to set up firmer boundaries. Maybe make a plan 'Let's meet up for coffee/chat on Tuesday at 1:30pm' and say something like 'I'm super busy this week with Christmas coming up and the children have a lot on, so I'm not going to be around much but I'll definitely see you on Tuesday at 1:30 and we can catch up then.' Then don't immediately answer calls, reply to odd text with 'Happy Christmas! Really busy, see you Tuesday!'

When you see her, make sure the whole meeting isn't just about her. Tell her what you've been up to since you last met 'DH has been away with work and DC1 did this and that was exhausting and DC2 did this and DC3... and I haven't had a min to myself!' She needs to understand that you are busy, have three children and your own issues at the moment.

Without knowing what her issues are, is it possible that you could help her to find appropriate counselling/support group that could help her through her difficult time? (i.e. encourage her to book appointment with her GP, number to Samaritans, help her find a local support group online, etc)

It's great you're being a good friend, but friendships should be fairly equal give/take.

I have tried to put boundaries in place, for example I usually only answer the phone now when I am willing to sacrifice a chunk of time, even though I feel rude and twitchy ignoring calls. But she will literally hound me, call after call after call. I met a friend I'd not seem for a year recently and in the one hour I ignored 3 calls. It makes me feel forced into answering as otherwise she won't stop. She never txts, even though I know she can as she'll read out very lengthy txt conversations to me from her phone. I've tried telling her all my shit, literally in a kind of plea of please don't dump any more crap on me kind of way, and she just gives a sympathetic look and bit of support, usually 'if there's anything I can do' and then takes it as her cue to dump a ton of crap on me. I once gave myself a weekend off from calls and when I answered on the Monday she did a shocked 'oh' and then said 'i didn't think you were going to answer'awkward chuckle. I was too shocked to react but it still galls me now. You see I feel it's all my fault for not putting in boundaries but I really have tried!

I have also suggested baby groups but she won't go as not her thing, I encouraged her to go to counselling and it seems to have helped but now she can't afford it and NHS waiting list is a joke. I can't stay away as live on same road and have to pass her house to get to mine. I've literally sobbed about this as feel like I'm either weak for not being firmer or a cow for not being sympathetic enough, but I've given so much I am drained!

She's not a friend. She's bleeding you dry and you are crying as a result of being in contact with her. I bet you'll find she'd done this time and again with other women.

You need to be firmer to train her out of it. I would send a quick text when she calls saying, "Sorry, can't speak today, so much on. Will call you tomorrow" or something like that. And then do exactly that. If she hounds you anyway, you're going to have to, briefly, use your angry voice. You need to start making your boundaries clear.

Isn't it odd how we seem to have different types of friends. I have a couple who -although no where near as bad as your friend - are just CONSTANTLY on about themselves. It's exhausting.
I know that an evening spent with one of them is literally just them talking about their own struggles/ woes/disasters. If I steer the convo away from them to something to do with me...it just gets swung round again.
I love those pals but it does make me a tiny bit less keen to see them so often
I hope I'm 'that' friend to someone else tho!

Been there - you literally have to be cruel to be kind.
The reason they insist on calling instead of texting is to put you on the spot and force you into communicating with them.

Ignore phone calls and just send a text arranging to meet/call at a time that's convenient for you.
You can also block and unblock their number as you wish.
Tell her straight that she's pissing you off with the constant calls and/or texts.

When you do speak on the phone, decide beforehand how much time you're going to give her and then end the call when the time is up.
Anytime she repeats the same old line try giving the Grey Rock 'hmm' response and then immediately switch topic.

You need to take back control over yourself and stop allowing her to railroad you.

Thank you for the replies. It's made me feel like my feelings are justified. How do I go about it at this time of year though? I feel if I say anything I will be sticking the boot in as it will genuinely be a horrible and difficult time for her and I hate to think of her feeling so sad. However I cannot bear the thought of sacrificing my Christmas as it's been such a difficult time for us too and I need to focus on my family and myself. I've actually thought of blocking her number for a few days.
Do you think it would be reasonable to tell her I won't be answering calls over Christmas as I need time with my family, that I love her and value our friendship but she's been calling too much all year and I need a rest and recharge? Hopefully she'll realise and respect, and if she doesn't then the friendship isn't worth it? Gosh need to put my big girl pants on and find some courage! I'm honestly not a wimp, it's just situations like this I can't handle.

I met a woman like this earlier this year. Called constantly but it was always about her. We met in unusual circumstances so she was aware that I was having a hard time too but never asked about me. Final straw was spending an hour on the phone while she told me all her woes, I listened, offered advice/support etc, you know like friends do. Then (during a brief break) I told her about a really serious thing that had happened that week - radio silence, to the point where I actually had to check she was still there. She just said "Oh yeah, still here. The kids have been a nightmare this week..." Not one word of sympathy or even acknowledgement of what I just said. It wasn't about her so she wasn't interested.

If you want to still be friends then only answer when you have the time, if you're busy say so. What you've said above should be fine and if she's a real friends she'll understand that you need some family time free from others stresses.

Sorry to hear you've been having a hard time DaisysStew. What a shame you could have had someone to reciprocate the shoulder to lean on up but they weren't interested. I hope things are on the up for you now?

Heebiejeebies, did you manage to salvage the friendship? Did they take it ok?

No.
I called time on it when she started parking up outside my house waiting to 'catch' me coming home from work.
She knew i was ignoring her calls and thought she could force me into the corner/put me on the spot seeing as i was too nice to be 'mean'

She used to call me soon as i finished work expecting me to make conversation with her throughout my hour commute home - on the bus!
I'd be 'allowed' time to have a shit/eat and then she expected me to converse with her on and off all evening.
This was every single day even after I eventually snapped at her and asked her what the hell she expected me to talk about seeing as i wasn't getting the time to actually do anything worth talking about.

Talk about 'thick-skinned' - she knew what she was doing and how i felt about it but obviously didn't care one jot.

Yikes that sounds extreme. How long did it go on for before you snapped?
I know I need to talk to my friend but it's so hard. I'm being a coward at the moment and avoiding all together after a couple of incidents last week that have made me loose the plot with it all. She dropped off some treats for the kids a couple of days ago after I posted and I was half thinking 'do it now' but she had me at the doorstep talking for a while until I said I had to go as was in the middle of something. Wasn't the right time with kids around etc. Also I'm worried I might push her over the edge as Christmas can be such a hard time of year and she genuinely needs me. I feel so awful for letting her down, letting myself down, and now letting everyone else down because I'm so miserable all the time.

This isn’t a friendship, your her unpaid councillor.

I had a friend with a 'friend like this.

It would piss me off no end when we were sitting there having a conversation and her phone would be pinging with text after text which she would 'have to answer because she'll call if I don't reply'. I think on one occasion I went home & said I'd leave them to it.
Unsurprisingly they fell out, the texty friend moved on to someone else & did the same.

Honestly OP, be brave & tell her she's too much. I suspect she will eventually fall out with you & somehow turn it into a tale where you dumped her in a time of need. But the people who matter will know the score & you'll have your life back.

You say she needs you. Does she care about what you 'need'?

Real friendships don't make you miserable.
They might have ups and downs and days when you're fed up with each other but this goes way beyond that.