Teen son won't stay at dad's

[whatdoidoaboutds]

NC but a regular here

Eldest son is nearly 16.

Been separated/divorced for 8 years. DS (who has ASD and adhd) has a prickly relationship with his dad's girlfriend and they came to blows a few months ago and now he is refusing to stay over any more. I encourage him to continue having a relationship with his dad, but dad is a bit passive (understandably-it's quite hurtful I guess) and hasn't been very forthcoming in ideas to remedy the situation, so the majority of thinking about a resolution is down to me (along with everything else as he only has them once a fortnight on a Saturday/Sunday).

DS is very 'black and white' because of his ASD, and doesn't see why he should stay as the GF refused to apologise for her less than glorious behaviour (shrieking at him that he was fucking selfish etc). He met up with her and was prepared to discuss and deal with it /apologise for his part of the situation, but she said she didn't want to talk about it and he felt nothing was resolved and he therefore doesn't want to stay over any more, but just see his dad on his own.

My younger two still stay over every other weekend (albeit under sufferance )
My partner is now giving me grief saying I should make my son go as I'm pandering to him and not teaching him how to deal with conflict.

I disagree with partner and it's causing me quite a lot of stress but would like to hear opinions.

Sorry for length - didn't want to drip feed

Ps partner doesn't live with us.

You could be describing my situation almost word for word except I only have one child and he is NT, but equally has an extremely volatile relationship with his dad's GF. But he hasn't stayed there for a long time now, has been on holiday with them once, but even that ended up in the GF having a complete temper tantrum in public and saying incredibly unpleasant things about me in front of him and her own children. .

When he was younger I did push it more, however the reality is that these are teenagers who are capable of making their own decisions in life and capable of forming their own relationships. If he had fallen out with the GF in any other circumstances nobody would be saying that he should continue to have dealings with her. Similarly if this was an adult people would be saying they were quite within their rights to distances themselves. So why should this be different purely because he's a child? The gf is his dad's choice not his.

Incidentally, how has his dad reacted to the situation? Initially my ex was incredibly defensive of his partner and very hard on DS, insisting that he should accept her, wanting him to admit that I was the reason for his not liking her (I'm not) but as time has gone on he's made a bit more effort to build a relationship independently with DS although like your ex mine is far too passive.

All you can do at this stage is to encourage him to have a workable relationship with his dad, and the rest may or may not sort itself as time goes on. But if it doesn't then that is his choice to make. Hth.

He's nearly 16. If he doesn't want to go how are you meant to make him? My ds does not see his dad and has not done for well over a year. (He's 14). His dad was historically very hard on him and tried to parent the ASD away. Although his dad has changed a bit now the trust is gone. I used to try and make ds go but it damaged our relationship and started to erode ds trust in me and had a detrimental effect on ds mental health. Our dd still goes and ds knows he can go anytime but he chooses not to.

I would just tell your ex your son doesn't want to go and you will let him know if your son changes his mind. If your ex wants to write to him or email him to keep open communication that might be helpful. This was suggested to us by a professional but ds dad doesn't bother.

Its really hard being the person in the middle. I found just repeating ds doesn't want to come, I will let you know if he does very helpful. I had to put myself in the middle as ds was not able to tell his father himself how he felt but it was a very uncomfortable place to be.

Sorry I thought it was his dad saying you should make him go, not your partner.

@TheRealBiscuitAddict ex has had a pretty similar reaction to yours by the sound of it. DS overheard GF and exMIL discussing me in unpleasant terms. I've talked to ex about it and it's true but he doesn't do confrontation so will take the line if least resistance which means putting his GFs feelings first, it seems.

Tricky. He's adamant he won't stay, but my partner says I'm mollycoddling him. I'm causght between several people who all have an opinion but I'm the only one expected to come up with a solution that suits everyone. It's exhausting

@Holliewantstobehot dad would obv like him to stay but hasn't pushed the issue. They do catchup with the gf it's just that DS insists he won't stay. It's my partner pressuring me to make him stay.

Sorry that should read WITHOUT the GF

I'm fortunate in that ex's mother doesn't think much of the situation either and I believe has given ex a bit of a hard time over it. But then the GF refuses to have any kind of relationship with the ILs so it's possibly easier for her to see that the GF is not particularly a nice person and to see why DS doesn't want to stay there.

As for your partner, does he have children of the same age? Is it possible that the reason he's causing issues over it because this clashes with time he would like to spend alone with you so this is more about him than the actual situation? Either way I would be inclined to ask him to think back to when he was sixteen and how malleable he was at that age and how he thinks his mother could have forced him to do anything.

@TheRealBiscuitAddict partner has 3 kids but doesn't see them much (long story). Yes this is everything to do with him feeling we don't have enough time together. He seems to think that all I have to do is order DS to do something and it will happen because "I underestimate my influence".

I understand he wants us to have some child free time, but is that right if it means DS has to cope with a frosty relationship with dad's GF, when dad won't stick up for him when they clash.

This just isn't your partner's call, is it. He's trying to mess with a relationship between two other men (well almost) so he gets some quiet time. I don't think so.

@GeorgeTheHamster that's my instinct too but then he plays the 'you can't see how stressed you are and I think your mental health is suffering' card.

I do struggle with things and my health is not great right now for various non-life threatening reasons that are part and parcel of getting a bit older. He also throws my childhood at me saying I'm so desperate not to patent like my Mum that I'm creating spoiled monsters.

I don't think I am and he has been harping on at me about it so much it's becoming really stressful.

I agree with George it is not your partner's decision to make.

Your ds does not want to spend time with someone who treated him badly and has shown no remorse for her behaviour. Sounds entirely reasonable to me.

Encourage your ds to maintain his relationship with his dad. Tell your partner to keep his beak out.

How you parent is nothing to do with your partner.

It is nothing to do with your partner. Sounds like he needs to concentrate on his relationship with his own kids. Your son is old enough to decide if he wants to stay over anymore or not.

Thankyou all. You are all saying what I felt instinctively but he has given me such a hard time over this recently telling me I'm burying my head in the sand about a problem that won't go away if I keep ignoring it that's it's made me feel I don't know which way is up!
I've told him he needs to stop projecting his frustration about his own children on to me and that if he doesn't like the arrangements, he knows what he can do but I have felt really conflicted. Maybe that's what cognitive dissonance is??

Your partner appears very misguided. He thinks your are molllycoddling your eldest by respecting his (entirely reasonable) wishes. Why does he not see his kids much and yet feel as though he can influence how you parent?

Perhaps instead of hectoring you to force your children into situations they don’t want to be in, he can learn something from your sensible and committed approach to parenting.

Unless of course he absolved himself of parenting his own kids responsibly and would like you to follow suit so that he can have your attention all to himself. If you are stressed and have health issues, maybe he could help by being more giving in a relationship with you, instead of telling you what to do and expecting you to fall in line so you can fulfil his selfish needs more efficiently.

@OneOrgasmicBirthPlease I think you have nailed it tbh.

So your DP doesn't see his own kids and yet is presuming to dictate to you how you should be parenting yours? I wonder if there's a link here? Does his attitude to parenting have any bearing on why he doesn't see them per chance?

Your partner should mind his own business - not his kids, not his house, not his concern!
Your ex should either get off his arse and put this right or accept that his son doesn't want to see him. You don't need to facilitate their relationship - the upside of being divorced is not having to deal with his shitwork.
Seems to me your son, having heard his dad's gf bitching about you, has made the perfectly legitimate choice not to see her. That's his prerogative. As has been said, gf is his dad's choice, not his. So dad shoulf deal with her inappropriate bitching and the damage it has done, not you!

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds this is how I want things to be. My ex hasn't got much in the way of a backbone (never stood up to his dad either) so not surprised things are like they are, but you are right, I can encourage a good relationship (which I always have) and encourage ex to discuss direct with my son (and other dc as the get older).

He has form for letting me do all the thinking around a problem. I have told my partner that whilst I want to enjoy our relationship I won't do so at the cost of my son's mh. He is about 18 months socially behind his peers and still needs a lot of emotional handholding for quite a few things - I've never left him overnight as he gets anxious quite easily so I have a tendency to take things quite slowly and at his pace.

Sorry that should have read didn't stand up to his dm either

That’s quite sad then - he does not seem too much of a partner. I’m sorry he’s making your life more difficult.

You know this already, but you’re doing exactly the right thing with regards to DS. I have little advice as to how to deal with the pervasive entitlement so many men have to your emotional labour.

Your partner is demanding you put his needs ahead of your son. Be wary of this man.

The issue here is definitely your partner. I think you would be less upset about the situation if he wasn't pushing his opinion on you.

Some men just can't accept that their opinion is not the ultimate and only truth.

My thoughts too I'm afraid. Keeping my distance atm and putting my dc's needs first.