Should I share my experiences or keep my nose out?

[MrsGrindah]

I fear my step daughter might be in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have thought this for sometime. I have been in an EA relationship myself so don’t know whether that affects my judgement or gives me an insight. I have tried talking to DH but he just doesn’t get it ( lovely man, sees the best in everybody) . So far I have resisted the temptation to say anything but now it looks like they are going to move in together ( in his house a 4 hr drive away) . She will be turning her life upside down to be with him. I want to say something, probably just to ease my own conscience . I know she probably won’t listen to me and I’m scared it might damage my relationship with her. But it feels wrong to not even say anything...what should I do?! I can understand it if you all say I should mind my own business..just need a sounding board

If he's abusive, you should definitely say something. The difficulty is knowing whether he is or not! Have any friends or other family said anything?

Nope nobody else seems to have noticed but that’s because he’s a classic charmer. Or..it could be cos I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am.

Also..and I would only admit it on here... sometimes I want to look him in the eye and tell him I’m onto him....

I think you need to say you’re concerned and be very gentle about it sorry maybe talk to her about your experience. But if she doesn’t listen say that you’re always there as a non judgemental ear.

How do you know he is?

Maybe rather than tell her what she is doing wrong, share your experience with her?

Something along the lines of...
When I was with xxxx we used to do .... and he would react like.... and it was the small instances like that that built up and chipped away at me over time. And I’m lucky because I met your dad and I made some bad decisions and then some really good decisions. I wish I had made the good decisions much sooner and I wish someone had shown me what xxx was like in a way I could see. But I was blind with love. Etc etc.

And then tell her you love her, that as much as you know she is an adult and can make her own decisions you want to register with her your deep concerns about her boyfriend and if she ever wants to change her mind or talk about it you’ll always listen with out judgement and help where you can. Then hug her.

That’s how I would do it. Try and leave a way back totally open for her.

This might be of help
all-about-abuse.tumblr.com/post/118963244225/how-to-help-victims-of-domestic-violence

Just be her step Mum, ask her how she is feeling about moving away. Ask her if she has any worries.
Let her know you love her and are just a phone call away if she ever needs you.
Then step back and allow her to live her life.

I think atalunes 'softly softly' approach is the best. Try and talk about your past experiences. Don't ask any probing questions but let her know you've been there and will always support her.

I don’t know absolutely but there are so so many signs. Checking her phone, needs to be with her constantly, constantly “ jokingly” criticising her in front of us, “advising” her which newspapers to read, designing a diet for her, telling her she’d be hopeless without him....bloody hell all those examples came just from the last time we were with them!

I wouldn’t talk about her relationship at all. I would in passing naturally tell her about your previous boyfriends and mention the abusive relationship with no hint of referring to her relationship. She can read into it what she likes

Thanks[Labra] but not sure I can do that. I have never talked to her about my ex so not sure I can casually drop it into conversation. I think I might try something like the next time he says/ does something obnoxious say to her “ You know when Albert did xxxx? Well, that reminded me of my ex...” Might work?